April 10th, 2014

April 10th, 2014, your 25th birthday. You stood on the opposite side of the room and I, in a tarnished and sickening system sat put out in the cut off by the pane. I did not see you yet.

I called the man in to a meek and fragile world, requesting a 7th drink, loathing, seated next to strangers. He handed me the bottle, I noticed the opening slightly chipped. No difference.

A tin clashing continuously reverberated, now and again through the murmur an unimportant prevalence ricocheted from the wall and, looking for it’s way out, found only me - fading into another thin crease between the clinking of glass and clipping of coaster on splintered wood.

Halfway through the 7th imported, how quickly I became mentally nauseated, I panned the room revolted, but in hindsight only repulsed by my jealousy for the happy and lighthearted.

Infuriated by an unintentional siege on my own humility, two feet crossed at the ankles and hung on the lowest rung attached to a deteriorating throne of self-pity I imagined bolted to thin and spiraled air, I endured. As per usual.

Then, through the disorder, I caught the window they made for me, a space between three men and two women perfectly positioned within a line of sight too frequently pointed downward - I simply looked up at a moment decided for me.

Slipping the bond of beauty as we continue to evolve in to a more rigid and inflexible form, we lose the majesty of the soul and the magic in our lives - a moment spent in wonder becomes a moment spent in time; never seeing it coming and incapable of feeling it’s inevitable transition, we all wake ourselves in to sleep a little too soon. Much too fast.

And what we wouldn’t give to have a piece of it again. What it would be like to gaze deeply into a blue sky, and lose yourself completely in the gloriousness of “how?” - to stare upon the leaves changing color with the seasons, and find yourself consumed by an elegance of “why?”

Asking questions that you will never find the answers to, but being enthralled enough with the examination not to care. This is the gift.

And I had often wondered where that world went, where my childlike sense of wonder escaped to when he insidiously slipped away unannounced in the middle of the night.

If on the morning of April 10th, 2014, somebody had told me that I would stumble upon that sense of wonder again in a bar later that evening; the same sense of wonder that consistently continues to elude every human being, life’s only source of sincere and truthful majesty, I surely would not have believed them.

Yet, all of the beautiful things in the world that had escaped my life so long ago, every one of them did, in fact, somehow make their way back to me on that night.

There, through that window and between the spaces, as if they were all in on fates judicious plan, was all that ever was and ever will be - a more formidable type of grace. Scintillating.

Tremulous waves of alleviation embodied me, an unyielding force of complete and total awe seemed to stir itself with an amatory adamancy, that to this day and as long I shall live will be undoubtedly unparalleled.

Effulgent and benevolently limpid, utterly entrancing with such ease - how quickly my vulnerability led the rest of me to embellish the undiscovered parts of the atmosphere.

More alluring than any person or anything could ever hope to be - a compressed wonder, condensed beauty; the answer to the questions that I hadn’t even asked yet - I saw the solution to my sleepless nights and the cure to my disease.

I’d lived, mindlessly walking upon a blue sphere rotating endlessly within the void, and not once had I ever felt more illuminated than the stars that surrounded it, melting and pathetically lachrymose with one glance that lived an entire lifetime between two heart beats.

You surpassed the darkness that I was living within, and allowed me to tap into what I had lost so long ago; that inner sense of wonder, my ability to fire on all cylinders again - in seconds, “months of misery” became “minutes without you.”

Through the magnetizing progression of an increasing tranquil calm, we came face to face, those feelings amplified and vibrating through me at deafening frequencies - and then there was a moment when I noticed something more.

Those beautiful things that I had lost so long ago, that child-like sense of wonder, my happiness, they exposed themselves to me. They conveyed where they had gone - they flew away and landed behind painfully hazel eyes, and when I noticed them inside of there, they immediately recognized me.

And they were so happy to see me again that they started dancing around - glimmering pulsations in tempo to my souls uninterrupted weeping for its other half.

An altruistic part of you that filled me with excitement matched only by a friable side to you that left me intrigued; from the moment that I realized there existed such dimension, the only thing that I wanted to do was ease the discomfort brought on by the transitions between them - to continuously free you at all times.

Happily sleepless, every moment that we spent together reinforced its auspicious tone, and every second that I was lucky enough to look into your eyes, and see the beauty in the world again was matched by nothing. You fixed me by existing.

You triumphed over what couldn’t be beaten, not even by me; the version of me that I had convinced myself I had become. You exposed to me the man that I was underneath, and the man that I had the potential to be. You single-handedly stopped the corruption, and delivered the light.

You took away my pain, and replaced it with vision. You gave my sense of wonder back to me, you let in a newfound sense of faith and embedded hope. You concluded me.

We spent years together.

You were the one who told me that I mattered, and then spent all of your time trying to convince me that it was true. You helped me to see the world in a different light. You made me whole again, eradicating the depression and erasing the incorrect forms, you gave me a clean slate.

You saved my life.

You allowed my heart to love to its full potential.

I love you.