Anxty Scribbles Pt.1

It happened like they always say it can’t,

your lips moved and I couldn’t help but dance.

As I began to sway I felt alive again,

Your melody coaxing air into my lungs.

One thousand little owls all tied to my heartstrings,

Playing back to you the beating so you might understand.

I was hoping you would notice

In a desperation words could never capture

I have searched the galaxies in your eyes,

And in their depths I found a place I fear to part from.

In the darkest hours, I lay awake and think of you

and I wonder if you ever do the same.

But I'll think of all the reasons,

as I dream through all the seasons,

of why you’d even be awake to think of me.

I even dream about our eyes sometimes

and how they paint a slice of paradise,

Of where the earth meets with the trees that meet the sky.

Think about it for a moment, does it all just fall in place?

Or have I cut up all the shapes to fit forever?

And even if I have does that not just make it better,

that the ocean and the Forrest blend together.

As phantom hands wrap themselves around my neck,

cutting my air into staggering gasps,

fingers stray to tie my organs into knots

and twist so tight the blood is wrung from them.

Even now when I ask myself was it all worth the risk

the answer falls silent on stitched lips.

It was never a risk, because there was never a choice,

once I saw you my eyes thought only to search for you in everything.

My hands clutched tight around these phantoms

and pulled them even closer,

Fuck breathing air if it isn't tainted with at least a hint if what I long for.

My skin is riddled with ant hills and I can feel them marching through my veins.

I can't believe you didn't notice;

You didn't notice ... that I was about to fall.

And I've been here for days,

writing out a notice, sending out a warning, I'm lighting all the flares...

Cuz I was about to fall... But I let go.

You see, I saw what you had,

saw what you were and I wanted it all.

I wanted to fly through this meadow and bask in its glory,

I wanted it storms and all.

I wanted to risk a lightning strike to taste this electricity,

needed that shock to awaken a reality I'd happily call home.

But I got scared and sought that feeling every other way,

I pulled toast free with a fork,

lowed the hairdryer into the bath with me,

ignored all the warning labels

and tore the exposed wires in my chest clean out so I could learn to rewire it.

I don't deserve to steal someone else's dream because I'd lost my own.

I know you noticed, I was dancing from the first words you spoke

and from there I fed you fantasies so you would find me,

but I let go because holding onto something means it can never make its own choices.

And I know despite everything,

that choice is the most valuable.

I think I fell for you before I even knew your name. There were so many things I expected to be the sharp and dazzling of something new, but it all just seemed worn in and comfortable. Like the way the light was gentle instead of blinding, and your smell already felt safe. You were a candle softly burning through my veins instead of one that would surely burn out. I never felt breakable around you, not for a moment; I mean sure I felt the butterflies and the rush of heat but it felt familiar still. That’s why I feel it more when you’re not here; I feel like its natural. That you should be poring over documents next to me whilst I write out these little thoughts, and then we’d curl up into each other and drift away. That’s why I have to stop myself from thinking something’s wrong, when it’s really just me forgetting that it’s not been all that long. So I’m sorry if I test you and act like it’s my right, it’s just me forgetting that its nothing unusual for sleep alone at night.

I think I fell for the idea of you before I even knew myself. I have always lived for other people, not always in a selfless way, but in a desperate way. I learnt early how to walk in the shadows of others if only to please them more and it has grown into a power to sacrifice my true desires so I might have at least a shadow of them. This means that when someone is generous enough to offer a cup of what I long for I drain the entire ocean for fear I’ll forget that feeling.

You see all I have ever wanted was to be someone’s everything; for a while I believed I deserved that; But if I choose this, if I choose you, I’d be giving that up. More than that I would be signing myself up for a daily subscription to little reminders that I was an afterthought; an addition to fill the cracks in concrete long set. I fall for anything that makes me feel like more than spontaneity and skin until I remember that, even now, that is what I am.