Anecdote from my own life

anecdote from my own life:

sometimes letting go of beloved belongings can release the greatest gifts.

the betrayal was like a looming river underground. feeling it's power, but never seeing it. I looked for signs. I asked many questions. I dug with my bloodied hands in place after space for a touch of water, but it was so deep in caverns below, weaving in and out of the darkness. I planted seeds in the soil of our life above this faithless river. my tears filled with the deep cries of restoration, with faith, with love. I pulled down the promises of heaven to bury them deep around these seeds like fertilizer. i yanked weeds out anytime I would see them, pulling precious new plants with them as well. within my desperate hunt for any trace of danger and deception, I made mess after mess. the fear and pain from the hunt spread out noxiously around me, wrapping around my loved ones. my focus would tandem from nourishing roots, to planting seeds, to unwrapping weeds, to the weeping knees, to listening quietly for that still, small, ever powerful knowing voice to show me what the eyes who sees all sees and answer and fulfill my completely. desperate. pleas.

through the tangled mess, a moment of darkness was illuminated by a ray of light and the things that I felt and saw and knew and were fighting against, came smacking me in the face. I ran to the bathroom, looking in the mirror, not seeing woman nor man, but this being who needed to carry the shame that was not being carried. my long hair, full of glory, felt displaced and uncomfortable. it was defining me in a way that rose against everything I was feeling. it was beautiful. it was cared for my whole life. it was pure. it was loved. it was woman. it was me. it held memories from my entire life and each strand had in it the power to remember, to speak, to bring freedom, feel pain, reveal the secrets of a lifetime. I asked, "can I please release this hair from my head. can it go, and I carry instead the shame, the blame, the reality of the insane." there was so much tension surrounding this decision. I was carrying the weight of my world and his world on my shoulders and I wanted it to go. i wanted to catch it, release it, and let it consume me.

the answer was, "yes".

I grabbed the scissors, and bent down over a small, meaningless plastic trash can and went straight to my roots and cut and cut and cut. each snap of the scissors I felt the pain and release of letting go. the gentleness of the scissors were a balm to the tearing in my soul. I didn't know who I was in those moments. I was losing myself and grasping for me all at the same time. as the long strands dropped into the waste, I heard a voice so familiar, so strong, so soft as a cool breeze in the hot sun, my face blinded and cared for. the words I heard are still nestled in my head this day. I have seen the fruit of these words. the power of these words has become manifest in my life. it was from the place of losing it all, of my breaking in two, of not recognizing or making sense of anything. a seed from heaven was planted in my most unrelenting fertile soil, and cleared a new path.

"You will only grow from here, my beloved.”