An honest letter

So I need to ask you something

But before I ask you

I want to tell you something

I want to tell you why I really went to bed so early last night.

***

I do that when there is something happening

That is affecting me negatively,

And I'm giving myself time to rehearse

how I want to talk to you

About what you just did that hurt me.

So that way in the morning

I can bring it up to you in the best way possible,

That is, if I'm brave enough.

***

Because how you receive what I say is important to me

Because I'm not just bringing it up to bitch and rant

But because I am trying to grow as a person

And so I need you to too.

Please remember that.

***

So this is my question,

Is there something I should know?

Because you're not you lately

So I'm not me.

You're acting different,

Distant

Which is new for you

And that tells me there is a problem,

Is there something I should know?

***

You're on your phone all the time now

You say you're watching motivational speeches

And reading about self growth

But if that's true

Why do you feel so cold?

***

I warned you early on I was broken

So the thoughts now invading my mind are ruthless

Implanting fears and doubts

False scenarios

Triggering my PTSD

I'm only saying this because I don't know

If I'm strong enough to keep sleeping with this stranger.

***

I've been through this enough in the past

Too much

I told myself never again

So why am I still here?

I'm writing this because I'm needing you

To give me a reason to stay.