Am I part of the problem

Am I part of the problem?

Growing up I learned they fear me.

No one wants to be friends with a loud black guy.

“if they fear you” you won’t get the job.

“If they fear you” she’ll never date you.

“If they fear you” you might get shot.

Am I part of the problem?

I learned from a young age how to speak softly.

I learned from a young age to listen to what they want.

I learned from a young age to talk to them with respect.

Am I part of the problem?

Growing up I knew they feared me.

Since I knew I’m scary, I began fearing them.

They fear me so I need to calm them.

They fear me, So I’ll prove I am different.

They fear me, So I need to stay away.

Am I part of the problem?

I learned to fear their unease.

I learned to fear her fear.

I learned to fear his reason to believe.

Am I part of the problem?

Growing up we learn how to behave. Best ways to speak, how to control your body language, how to be non-threatening, how to distinguish yourself from the stereotypes. Over the last few years, I started talking to others.

I speak to my friends and hear all kinds of stories which are a little different depending on their backgrounds. When talking to some female friends I heard about struggles of learning how to dress to not be 'asking for it', how to reject to a man who is bothering them, how to speak to get what they want from men. From many men there started to be a fear of being labelled as the predator, the reason someone is uncomfortable, being falsely accused.

With these things in mind, I start to wonder how much my learned behaviour has fed into the problem. I know I am not the same person at work as I am at home. I am not ‘me’ when I am around most white people. I tried to be extra cautious when I am around any woman for the first time. So, my question started developing, ‘Am I part of the problem’ by reinforcing the expectations of others, or playing the role of being ‘one of the good ones’?

I spoke to a close female friend of mine about her experience related to ‘feminism’ and she told me that she often felt like a fraud, especially when around men discussing these issues. She would be that woman who agreed that feminism was going too far, affirming the men’s suspicions that ‘feminism was about female superiority’ – she played the role of the woman who could be accepted and fit in without making any drama.

Is she part of the problem?

When I try to be non-confrontational and placating when I feel wronged, am I becoming part of the problem? Is compromising our personalities and characters creating a world where people can go on disregarding you and your community?