Abused

Fear is laying in a twin bed, listening

For the sound of a diesel engines rumble

Coming up the road to home

Staring at the ceiling, I can hear it

Even from miles away, I can hear it

I am paralyzed by its sound, all I can do is

Listen to its approach, a monster coming home

I go back through my day, looking for what I've done

Praying I haven't forgotten anything

Praying I will only sleep tonight

Terror is the moment

The lights of his two-tone GMC slide across my room

Light house lamps warning of troubled waters ahead

A door opens, a door closes

Panic crawls over my body and covers me

The sound of his western boots

on plywood floors

Echo against the pounding of my heart

I think of all the other nights, I have been woken

Of the bruise still healing on my arm

Of the time I ran away at school

Of being caught when I was, almost gone

Of the teacher, of the principle

Of why they didn't ask, why I wanted to run

Of the day he married my mom

Of how after that day

My brother and me, became a problem

I think of the nights they kept us outside

Of being hungry while they ate dinner inside

I listen to every movement he makes

Calculating how close each one is

I don't hate him; I fear everything about him

He's in his favorite recliner now

Eating his sacred Hershey Kisses, the ones

He made my brother eat, until he puked

Then made him lick it up

For eating one without asking

We don't eat without permission, no matter how hungry we are

There are rules in this house, there are consequences

Sometimes you don't have to break the rules, sometimes

Just when you think he's being nice, it happens

It's worse when it doesn't happen to you

It's worse when you have to listen

Tomorrow, when he is at work

We will run away again

Running away is a game

If we’re brave, if we stay away, we win

If we’re scared, if we come back to this place, we lose

The last time we packed cans of food and flashlights

We left early in the morning to go live in the mountains

We came home because we knew what he would do

We always know what he would do

He would kill us,

The TV is still on, his recliner is still creaking

He makes it harder to breathe the longer he takes

He makes it unbearable

Not knowing if I am safe or if he will come at the last moment

I pray for the sound of the TV being switched off

For the sound of his door closing,

For peace from his threat

I tell myself, alone in the dark

That one day I will be old enough

That one day I will be strong enough

That one day he won't be able

To make me stay here, anymore

I tell myself, that day will be tomorrow

When I run away again with my brother

In the fields

Behind this trailer

Authors note

This poem was written from memories of my childhood. My stepdad is the one flipping off the camera and my brother and me are the kids in the photos