A Letter from the broken-hearted widow

My love, you never said goodbye, because you know that goodbyes make me crumble to pieces. I never got any closure. The memories of your face, the memories of our love, the memories of all the happy days and sweet kisses and warm embraces. That is all I have now. You've been gone for about six years. Maybe you were gone before that, but I could not let go.

I held on with bleeding fingers. I held on with bloodshot crying eyes. I held on with agonizing screams. I held on with photographs and the songs we loved together. I couldn't let go. I'll never let go --- even though I know you're gone. Every face that has come with kindness or love, reminds me of you. I want to kiss them instantly as if you've returned to me. I don't mind if they think I'm crazy. They'd be lucky to know just one moment of the love we had.

You were mine. You were the great love of my life. I had been someone's love before I got to love you, and then I knew how much I had been loved. It was only you who could show me that. I simply did not know how to love --- really, really love ---- until I loved you.

I loved you differently than the way I loved being loved. I loved those who loved me because they provided, protected, and taught me. I reciprocated their love. With you, I didn't care if you had nothing to offer. I was the evergreen, the ever-spilling waterfall... You were my earth and sky and river. You were my everything. The reason for anything I thought was worthy of doing. Even on my hardest days, I could face another day knowing that you would be there to share that beautiful smile, to bring me another flower, and to show me the joy of being alive. I was so proud of us. We were in our own world. Nothing else mattered when we were together. Everything was exactly as it should be. You were happy and safe and loved, so I was happy and safe and loved.

I wanted US to last forever. I didn't see any tragedy coming. How could I have imagined anything but us together forever when I was that proud and that happy? Life with you, loving you, was Heaven on Earth, and it has been hell ever since I've been left alone without you.

I held on, my love. I tried. But every memory seemed to torture me. I cried and I cried, so many days and so many nights. I hoped and I prayed, but there was nothing I could do to go back to my happiness. The only place that our love exists now is in my mind. I go there sometimes, but I want to cry every time I visit, because I can't hold you, or kiss you, or give you anything but these words.

Trying to accept it the changes has been like a surreal rollercoaster. One day I love myself enough to simply enjoy life and the beauty of living. Another day I can't believe that I've been left all alone, abandoned, to survive another day in the insanity of "life after love" as if I could ever find a better meaning for existence. Loving myself is good and I try to enjoy the essence of life, but loving you was better. Loving you gave life a reason and a purpose.

I put my love on other things now. I water the plants the way I used to cook for you. I create some knick knack craft, the way I used to come up with ideas for us to have fun. I laugh at anything I can laugh at, for all the times I did not laugh when we were together. You always thought I was so unhappy. It is so ironic that you thought I was miserable when those were the happiest days of my life.

Since you've been gone, my only companions are Loneliness and Boredom. I've learned to love them. Loneliness and I write beautiful sad songs. Boredom and I dance and paint and make crafty items. They keep me busy.

I don't count the days, or weeks, or months, or years anymore. I couldn't remember after so long. They all started to blur into an eternity without you and my soul crying and crying for so long. My heart still aches. I had to lie to myself to console myself. I had to tell myself that it wasn't real. That there was no such thing as love. That I was just "crazy" and that the love was a lie that I believed. Sometimes I believe my lies, and it makes me feel alright, but most of the time I can't fool myself --- because my heart hurts too much to let me fool myself.

I've seen others love like us. They were married for a long time. They could not live without each other. As soon as one left, the other one followed shortly after. I've been here without you for so long. So long. So long.

People say the pain will subside. People say it's "normal" to go through a mourning period. They don't understand. The pain will never subside and my mourning will never end. It's not a "period" of my life. It was the biggest piece of my heart that left me - left me all alone, hollow and hurt.

I'm done getting angry about it. I'm done trying to stop myself from crying. If I hear a song or your name or someone minimalizes the love of my life and I cry, I'll not hide in shame or cower like it was a disease or weakness. No, my love. I'll cry outloud. I'll cry with pride. I'll cry and let every tear stain my cheeks from my face to my feet --- in glorious surrender of the knowing that our love was once in a lifetime.

I'm not ashamed that I survived you, but I know I'll never love like that again. And now I understand why I've been alone for so long, so long, so long. Who would want to love me knowing that they will never compare in my heart to you?