A Bad Day On The Creek

Life hit rock bottom, everything sucked

Lost my job, my existence was fucked

My woman left for greener pastures

Left my bleedin’ heart rife with fractures

So I took me a trip out to Shit Creek

A less shitty situation there to seek

Pulled my shiny new canoe from top of the car

It landed on a sharp rock stuck in the tar

Jammed me a rag in the new hole

Threw her in the brackish stream

And grabbed me a pole

Tripped on a root and snapped my oar

Please dear Lord, can’t take much more

In my leaky canoe I had just bought

Realized quite soon I had plumb forgot

To drain my trouser snake at the local trough

Had me a leg drizzle when I let out a cough

My pants prawn screaming to be drained out

My trousers to my ankles I slid with a shout

Struggled up to my poor aching knees

Held Willy out to hang in the breeze

There he hung o’er side of canoe

Pissin’away urine and my life too

Just as I got some real relief

A pesky fly caused a huge sneeze

My yellow river reversed its course

Right as I was a pissin’ like a horse

Soaked my old tee

With the fount of me wee

Then I Fell 0n my arse

Could it be more of a farce?

Caught me a splinter

Right in the cheeks

And part of my sphincter

Last of my piss ran down my leg

Thank God it was the one that’s a peg

Need me a beer

Time to get soused

Floating down Shit Creek

Not even deloused

My only paddle a calcified turd

Had to wrestle it away

From a vulture sized bird

He bit my nose right in the bridge

His breath smelled like rank carrion

He’d dug up on the ridge

There I was - Watery eyes, bleeding nose

Floatin a creek that don’t smell like a rose

Up ahead a sandbar rancid with shit

Blocking the passage

Just a wee little bit

Stuck out my foot

Well soaked from the leakage

Shoved with all my force at the seepage

My poor foot sank into a stinking brown morass

Of what comes out of my sore bleeding ass

Rinsed my old shoe in the brackish bottom

Toes clenched up like frozen end of autumn

In my lovely new canoe now dyed yellowish brown

I set my sights on a brand new town

Finally reached stream just a tad bit clear

Just as the rising rank water set me to fear

Dropped my paddlin turd, grabbed my bait bucket

Gotta bail this shit, or just say Fuck it

‘Bout that time come a huge jostle from below

My sinking canoe began to slow

Stuck it was on a huge gator turd

This, my friend, had become quite absurd

Leaned over side to try and pry loose

Watched from shore by a curious moose

Leaned too far, fell in the creek

Came up spluttering and feeling quite weak

Gut was a roilin, taste buds screaming

Floundering in wet shit

I prayed I was dreaming

Grabbed me a handy floater wending on by

Kicked my way to shore, let out a huge sigh

When I struggled back to land a bit upriver

Looked at the sign there and felt my knees shiver

WELCOME TO THE TOWN OF

YELLOW-HEAD WATER

FROM 2ND HEAD OF SONS

AINT GOT BUT ONE DAUGHTER

The moose ambled over and lifted his leg

Added to the piss coating my leg

At least it was warm, though quite fragrant

Moose laughed, his merriment quite flagrant

So if you ever set out to explore Shit Creek

Be careful my friend, know what you seek

Bring a good paddle and a non-holed boat

For in that sewage you don’t wanna float

And sure as hell you don’t wanna swim

Never go up Shit Creek on a mere whim

For floating Shit Creek without a paddle

Is akin to riding a tornado… Naked, side saddle

By the way - the town of Yellow-Head Water

Is a truly pissy place…

With but one female, the mayor’s daughter

She’s uglier than a baboon’s ass…

But boy I caught her

Still … they got the best urinal cakes

Proven every summer at the local bake