7 AM

Its not just the fact that I might lose you again

Its not just the fact that you will be miles away from me

Its having to wake up 7 AM everyday

Having to go downstairs

Sit in silence on that dark blue, old beaten couch

Its having to stare down at my hands

To hide the tears trickling down my cheeks

Chew on my nails to keep myself from thinking

Its having to hide the amount of love I have for you

Because for them, it was wrong to feel it

Its the fact that the couch beneath me

Could hold it better than I ever mustered to

Its the fact of how scary it was for me

To look at my reflection in the mirror

Its the fact that I didn’t take care of myself

every time I caught my fleeting reflection on a glassed door or in the mirror

I cried, and it hurt to see myself

Because every time I looked at myself I didn’t like how hurt the eyes staring back at me were

I couldn’t recognize myself and that scared me

Its the fact of how I refused to eat my favorite food

The fact that I couldn’t go out under the sunshine cuz I was declared too dangerous to be outside

Only able to look out the window on the singing birds, running happily kids, couples hand in hand…

I don’t want to live in that small dark jail cell like anymore

Its the fact of how my parents could only speak about how many times I disappointed them

Of feeling like I was no good for anyone, anything

Of trying to take my life with my own little hands

Getting too close to do it

Then the laugh of my lil brother erupts

And I am reminded again of why I shouldn’t

Talking to my parents about it

Being told I deserved to feel this way

For all the shame I had brought to this small house

Never knew what depression is 'til that time

Never understood why people simply couldn’t be able to find happiness, joy

'Til I was forced to experience it first hand

It's seeing people live, and wondering if I will ever get the chance to

Its seeing people love, and wondering if I will ever get to tell you how much I love you

-Numi