5:30

My breath is shallow and ragged and keeps catching in my throat

My heart is beating…..beating, beating so fucking fast

My eyes dart a glance at the clock but I know already...

5:30

It’s here - this moment of dread, of loss, of grief so big

Like a huge wave washing over a beach destroying everything in its path

My body tumbles and thrashes and prays just to wash up on the shore

broken

5:30

I try to breathe - deep into my belly, hands over my heart

Breathe in…..breathe out

Breathe in love…..breathe out this anxiety….this loneliness….this sorrow

This is too much….much too much for my lungs….I can’t expect them to keep me alive too.

This moment is taking forever to pass

Isn’t time supposed to fly?

It certainly did when we were in your truck...

Fuck

What is it about this moment that haunts me

still?

That rips my heart into pieces?

Provokes tears to rain down my face?

Clenches my hands into fists?

Urges my feet to run….run….run?

Can I outrun this anxiety?

This loneliness?

This sorrow?

Maybe this time I can sit with it….breathe through it…..welcome it….let go of it…..

Fuck that

Maybe if I run fast enough I’ll see him standing by the side of the road again

Maybe I’ll see his eyes…hear his voice….feel his love

Maybe I’ll feel safe….maybe I’ll be safe

Maybe if I run fast enough I won’t hear his breath rattling as he leaves me

Maybe his hand won’t let go of mine

Maybe they won’t cover his face with a blanket

Maybe they won’t put that stupid fucking rose on top of him

I hate red roses still

5:30

I can’t ignore it

I can’t breath through it

I can’t outrun it

But I can lace up my sneakers,

Pull up his playlist…..some Nina Simone….some Ray Charles….some Rolling Stones,

I can offer my face to the sky above me,

Give thanks to 5:the ground below me,

Welcome the wind that wraps around me,

I can remember and honor the moments of our life

I can be grateful that death isn’t the end...that he’s with me still

I can keep going…..keep going….keep going...

Fuck 5:30