3 a.m.

I was up until 3am last night.

I should have been sleeping.

I wish I was sleeping.

But my brain would not let me.

My brain did not want me to go to sleep.

Maybe it’s more accurate to say my PTSD did not want me to go to sleep.

For it thinks that when I sleep there is danger.

It thinks that when I sleep I will be hurt or abused or killed.

It tells me that to be safe I must be up all night to protect myself.

To keep an eye out for danger.

You see, I used to be abused at night.

And it wasn’t safe to sleep then.

There is nothing worse than being woken up in the middle of the night by your abuser.

There is nothing worse than being woken up to your body being abused.

That used to happen to me all the time.

When I was just a child.

It was many years ago.

But my brain and my PTSD think it could happen again at any moment.

Every night it thinks it’s going to happen again.

And it tortures me.

So last night I was up until 3am.

Reliving my past.

Feeling like I was back there.

I’m trying to teach my brain that it is safe.

Im trying to show it that I’m an adult now and that means the abuse is over.

I’m safe every night, my brain just doesn’t know it.

But I believe that one day it will.

And I’m looking forward to it. ❤️

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