2026 bang!

For chrissakes don’t panic

Certainly don’t let anyone see

Quietly thank god you live alone

*

And when you do panic

Late at night

After the 6th glass of wine

And you’ve got whatever poor schmuck

Who finally picked up the phone on the line

Worried like mad about you

Make sure you follow it with a bright laugh

Be flippant

Use your charm

*

During the day

When you’re afraid to leave your house

To get groceries

Play too many rounds of League of Legends

Tell yourself and others you were too busy working

Eat 1-2 packets of instant ramen

But no more than 2

*

Then study Korean

Because you have to keep your brain sharp

And you also have to prepare yourself

For the possibility that you may have to

Leave for a foreign country at any time

*

It might as well be Korea

Since you’re consuming massive amounts of

Korean media right now

KPOP is crack

*

Open the bottle of wine between 6-8pm

Remember to fill your water bottle up

And put it next to your bed

Before you open the bottle of wine

Remember to forgive yourself

If you forget this step

*

Later, while you lie in bed

Trying to sleep

You will perform the latest bedtime ritual

Of cycling through every door in your house

Wondering if they’re locked

Thinking none of them are

Wondering which one they will bust through first

And which one you could realistically escape through

The fastest and has the highest chance of assured escape

*

All this time, you will feel like your hands are inordinately large

Like 5, 10, 20 times too large

You will look at them wondering if they are swelling

(They are not)

You will clench and unclench your hands until they hurt

*

You will look at your 40 lb dog and wonder if she will follow you into the dark

While you are running away from ice in the woods

Or, if you had to carry her, how far you could do that

*

You wonder how far you can carry this