2009

I still have the hand written letters you wrote for a year while you wore that ankle bracelet.

I still have the notes we passed to each other in classes.

How funny is it- I only have one single photo.

You're smiling at me, were sitting in a gazebo.

It wasn't our thing to take photos together,

he hated his smile, and I hated mine-

oh how it felt to get a smile when he refused it all the time.

I remember his childhood home

when we got older, he talked about painting it white.

I remember spending all our summers outside

listening to him play his guitar-

truly the biggest romantic with an icy cold heart...

it's why I fell so hard.

Under the assumption, that side was special, just for my eyes.

We talked about our future plans, I suppose it never occurred to us-

people grow apart.

On year 5, he got "loyalty" tatted on his arm

This isn't a young love fairytale, in fact that notion, is very very far

I saw the dark side of the moon, in the person who hung the sun.

After a while, with anyone, you lose the fun.

The last few months of our relationship, I had lost touch of him and I

separately, and as an entity-

what can you do for someone, when they cant do much for themselves?

I still didn't leave his side

unrecognizable, vacancy signs over those eyes.

I flushed the pills, emptied the jack down the sink

What the fuck did i get myself into? Latching myself onto...

do I ever THINK?!

After that, nothing will erase that week

Things adolescents don't have to go through,

Things adolescents don't need to think through,

Things adolescents don't have to live through

that's all we had in common anyways.

I came toe to toe and face to face.

We enabled each other, and this was the end game.

Now, reflecting on all the years and the time spent.

reflecting on every tear shed-

I don't have a single regret.

He messaged me the other day. Apologized for how poorly he treated me,

says he hopes life is "treating me well."

I cant decide if the apology held any weight-

I honestly couldn't tell.

Since then, there are new things to combat.

So out of touch with my self and my emotions, I can't even begin to process something like that.

A thought crossed my mind, why do I put myself in these positions?

Positions that deserve apologies?

These kinds of things, you can not take back.

-g.m.t.