12 years

When does it end?

Will I forever be in this uncontrollable nightmare?

To relive year after year

Feeling my heart drop, deep, into my back and down to my stomach

The pain manifest as a sharpness in not only my chest, but my lungs…much like a knot you would feel in any other random muscle.

My legs grows heavy.

My head feels like 100 pounds, I don’t want to look up. I can’t.

It’s so difficult to face anything.

Having to face any “are you okay” will surely send me into a spiral

I break down in private so I can feel and look a little less numb to everyone around me

Why is it that at any other time of year I can smile?

Why does it have to be now?

What are the odds that that day falls in between two of my children’s birthdays

As if to mock me knowing that she will never have another of her own.

I hate this.

Everyone grieves differently I know and I’m sure my way is normal but damn if I don’t hate it. I go through all the stages all over again.

Denial, anger, bargaining, sadness.

Anger and sadness are the ones to stick around the longest.

I can’t speak, I can’t even breathe without it hurting.

The lump in my throat grows more and more painful with each inhale

I know I’m not the only one so then why do I feel so alone?

Alone with THIS

12 years and I’m still not okay

Every year thinking the next one will be better, thinking the more time that passes the easier it gets.

Instead I’m matched with another waking headache caused by tears the night before

The only difference is that I know I’ll be better soon

“This too shall pass”

It always does. Some years just take longer than others.

I’ll crack a smile. Chuckle at a joke.

Feel my heart fill with love when I hold my children

And only for a brief second less have the pain creep in knowing she never got to do this too

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

And there’s literally nothing anyone could ever say or do. Nothing.

It’s not fair, it’s not right…it never is.

No one should have to learn that at such a tremendously young age.

I won’t let them learn it too.

And although it’s no one’s fault, you still look for someone to blame, someone to hate.

Eventually I guess that goes away too.

It’s just during that time, during that pain in which “time” will never truly heal…that sucks the most.

There’s always tomorrow.

I’ll feel better then.