Back When We Lived In My Top Dresser Drawer—

I woke up today from a dream of the past

And my room was still

And my room was frozen, as a northern pond in winter

The sunlight crepr through the window but it did not give me

… warmth

It only gave longing for the way things were back before the light went scarce

I curl under my blankets and

I remember and

I shiver to think of it:

The dream and my childhood

Back when we lived in my top dresser drawer

It smelled like cedar

We were cozy

We were warm

And we were happy

*

We moved in to move out

The drawer was our escape

From that rotten trailer, with the squishy floor boards and the mildew

And from our own crumbling— from our family falling into ruin

We moved into that dresser

Because mom did not want to live in a trailer

And dad did not want to live in a house

So we compromised

To stay together

We all moved

Into the furniture

As one does…

And so we got out of the wind

Out of the howling, freezing, soul-snatching wind

Of grownups hating eachother

Out of the storm

Of grownups fighting

My dresser drawer was a compromise,

The only fix that I could provide

Everyone was happy again

And I was so relieved to have saved us

What a weight off my shoulders

***

I remember it clear as crystal, when we all squeezed in there

I remember pulling the drawer shut once we were all safely inside

To keep the world outside and to close us in

I remember laughing to be so together

And smiling

To see how my parents loved each other again

But I also remember

Clearer and realer:

Waking up just like today

To the cold and quiet of a broken home

Waking up just like today and wondering how a dream could feel so real

And how a dream could feel so right

But be so absurd

But be so impossible

But be nothing

But a dream

And I remember looking at that top dresser drawer and feeling such longing

And such nostalgia for a memory that never was

And could never be

And I remember emptying out all the crayons and the papers and pine cones and feathers

And I remember leaving that drawer empty, so there’d be space

For us to move in one day

Just in case we ever got around

To figuring out

A way to shrink down

So we could get the family back together again

So things could go go back the way they were

And to the way they were supposed to be

***

And today, a lifetime later, that dresser drawer is full

Of my own kids memories

And it’s full,

Of their own broken pencils and tangled plastic slinkies

And it’s full

Of their own cool pebbles and shiny rocks

And it’s full

Of the little joys they have found and picked up and held in their pockets and placed in the sacred space

That after all these years still smells of cedar

***

When I remember living there and how happy we were

And I wonder if perhaps, their mother and I

Might have made things work

— the way my own parents did—

All we needed was a little magic

Just enough to shrink down and live in that top dresser drawer

As clear and as real as figurines

And dust

***

But I have to get up now

The sun is not giving me any warmth

I throw back the blankets and I stand and shiver

I look at the old dresser drawer,

The polyurethane is chipping away

I note how the whole thing wobbles

I know I can’t fix it

Soon this dresser will need to be replaced

But that one drawer, maybe I’ll keep it

And hide it somewhere dark and secret and forever

Because though I know it was nothing but a silly dream

I remember being happy there

I cannot let my childhood home

And the palace of my imagined joys

Go to real rot

***

***

***

Authors note:

Free verse poetry about a picture that probably seems like nothing to you but which carries an oddly captivating sense of nostalgia for me.

Living in the top dresser drawer was a recurring dream for me back when I was 5 or 6.

Now I’m in my thirties, I still remember the feeling of comfort and security.

How real it felt!

I can’t shake the memory.

If you were to ask me where was the happiest place I’ve lived…

I don’t know what I would say.

But I know I’d think of the dream where my mom and dad and brother and I stayed together. And I’d remember how happy we were in that bizarre and wistful childhood fantasy.

Ultimately I fully believe their split was for the best, my bro and I would have been worse off if they stayed together.

And I believe my split from my ex was for the best too— my kids seem to be thriving now with me, whereas they were clearly burdened and stressed and damaged when she and I were “trying to make it work.”

But having come from a single parent household, I know there’s always a sense of what if.

There’s always some hurt.

Decades later and the thought still plagues me.

And it sucks to imagine my kids wondering the same thing in their thirties.

Hopefully my poem conveys some of these sentiments— in any case poetry isn’t my strong suit so I am wide open to feedback :)

I’m even more interested in feedback about the photograph. I don’t have much experience with photography but I wanted the image to convey a sense of childhood and memory.

I kinda hope the cold lighting works, and hope the image and poem kinda lean on eachother to create the feeling I was going for. But I really don’t know anything about photography and would appreciate any and all criticism!!