Without a Doubt

My love for animals began as a little girl. I grew up on 40 acres of fields and woods. I had a special place in the field I would escape to where there was wide trench in the field with a crab apple tree at it's edge. I would go there and sit in the crab apple tree and envision all the animals of the forest coming out and rejoicing with me and just enjoy the presence of each unique creature. It filled my heart with joy as well as theirs. I would beg my father for a horse, but he would sternly shoot that notion down telling me to get that idea out of my head. My father grew up on a farm and had to take care of the livestock, so as an adult, he wanted no part of it. He would only allow for domesticated animals. We had a dog, a couple cats, a few rabbits, and a couple of hamsters. I had a few dogs in my days and they all have a very special place in my heart. My volunteer efforts have always been with dog rescues and horses. Each dog was so special in their own unique way.

My parents divorced when I was young. I lived with my mother and we had a small house that she rented. Somehow, animals were just drawn to me. We managed to find a small "mutt" that was the funniest looking thing. She had a small sleek body, but very fluffy fur from the neck up so it's head looked like a pom-pom and the fur looked as if it was crimped on the head, as in the old "crimping" iron teenage girls used in their hair followed by extreme amounts of aqua net hair spray! She had auburn red colored fur, much like a Chow Chow. She was definitely part Chow Chow, only the snout was more slender and her tongue was spotted purple, which indicated the Chow-Chow mix. When I came home from school one afternoon I found that she was gone. My mother had given her away or taken it somewhere while I was in school because she knew I wouldn't have allowed for it.

When I was 12, living in the same home I was on the school bus one afternoon staring out the window soon approaching my stop when a few houses before mine, I saw the most beautiful, all black German Shepherd with a red bandana tied around his neck standing in a striking stance at the end of his driveway, as if on guard and awaiting something. I had no idea they even had a dog at all. I was mesmerized by physique and brilliance. I swear we locked eyes and my mouth gaped wide open and I instantly fell in love with this dog. My head cranked around until he vanished out of site just up over the hill. I couldn't take my eyes off him and I couldn't stop thinking about him. At that point in my life, he was the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes upon.

Miraculously, a few days later, I found him in my yard. I couldn't have been more happier!!! I played with him and gave him water and gave him all the love I had in my heart. Night came and I encouraged him to go home, and I had to eventually go inside to bed. He wasn't far from his home, maybe an eighth of a mile, probably even closer, figuring he would head back home once he realized I wasn't coming back out to play. The next morning when I woke. he was right there waiting for me sleeping on our front steps. I was ecstatic, but also concerned because he hadn't eaten. I didn't want to feed him because I didn't want him staying. I figured his owners really missed him and wanted him back. He looked so well cared for and loved. So I was a bit selfish and enjoyed more time with him. I had left for a while because I had something to do, and upon my return, I found he was still there waiting for me. We hung out until I had to go to bed once again. I hadn't fed him because I didn't want to "steal" him or think this was home. I knew he had a good home because his home was huge, new, and it had a long paved driveway off of a dirt road. It was one of the newest and possibly the nicest home on the entire road. I wanted so badly to bring him in with me, but again, I knew he had a home and I wanted him to go back to his beautiful home. Off to bed I went.

When I woke and went outside yet again the following morning, there he still was. I knew he wasn't going to leave on his own. The poor thing had not eaten in days, so I walked him home, informing the owners where he had been since Friday afternoon. It was now Sunday and I knew he needed to eat.

It wasn't long before he showed up again. I learned his name was Bear. He had a large outdoor kennel at his home that was at least 12 feet high, at least it seemed, but I honestly can't remember. I just know it was really high. He repeatedly would escape and find his way back to me. After this occurred multiple times, they just gave him to me. They said, "he OBVIOUSLY wants to be with you". I was delighted. I had a four wheeler and trails in my back yard that led to a river and we would go riding. He loved to run after me and we would sit by the river and enjoy life together. He was at least 100 pounds and nothing but spectacular love. He was happiest when he was by my side.

Of course there were times when I couldn't take him with me. When I couldn't take him with me, I learned real quick just how bad he wanted to be with me. He actually chewed and clawed through two hollow core doors to get at me when I was leaving. My mom was livid!!! We rented our home so she had to spend the money to replace the doors. One time I hopped on my four wheeler to go to my friend Janette's house who lived a mile and a half away, and I can't remember how he got out of the house, but he chased after me. He refused to be left behind. I got to my friend Janette's and all was fine, until Bear spotted her neighbors small dog on a leash and took off through the small patch of woods that was between her house and her neighbors. Bear ignored our calls as he kept running towards the other dog. Barking, crying, yelping ensued. We ran down and got Bear, but the damage had already been done. He attacked the dog. Her neighbor was so angry and took her dog to the vets. The vet bill was around $300.00 for stitches and the neighbor made my mother pay the vet fees. I understand because my dog wasn't on a leash and attacked her dog. However, my mother wasn't happy at all nor was she very understanding. My friend's neighbor was extremely angry and not pleasant to deal with even though we apologized over and over again and paid the vet Bill. I had never seen Bear interact with another dog before. I didn't know he had reactive behaviors towards other dogs.

A few weeks later, I came home from school and Bear was nowhere to be found. My mom had given him away to a stranger while I was in school and I never got to say good-bye. As I write, the tears slide down my cheeks. I loved that dog so much and he loved me. I just pray he was well loved and cared for. I wish I could have gone to visit him at least.

When I was 15, my mother's friend Keith came over with an 8 week old German Shepherd puppy just for me!!! He was the cutest darn thing!!! I made a bed on the floor to sleep with him because the bed was too high for him to climb in and out of and that is where we slept for weeks. My sister was a bit envious, and so she wanted to name him. She wanted to name him Ozzy, after Ozzy Osbourne. I wanted Leo, but being the kind hearted little sister, I honored her wish. At this time we had moved into a different home. We now lived on a cul-de-sac. Ozzy had the biggest ears and paws. He became best friends with another couple of dogs in the neighborhood and when he wasn't playing in our yard with his buddies, he would be in theirs. All I had to do was call him and he would come running with his other two buddies to check in. Our favorite sport was playing soccer together. While he enjoyed going for walks, it wasn't very enjoyable walking down the side of the road for me. Every time a car came by, he would literally dragging me by the leash into the woods and lay down and cower and hide until the car passed. Although this wasn't enjoyable for me, I kept walking him to help him overcome his fear of cars.

I had to take a little break before writing this next part as so many emotions came flooding back to me. While I can't remember the day or even the month really when I got Ozzy, I remember this day vividly. It was Memorial Day weekend, 1992. It was Monday and I went to visit my father and step mother for the holiday. When I returned home later that evening, around 7 pm, Ozzy was no where to be found. I called and called out for him, but he didn't come running. Throughout the night I kept going to the front and back doors to see if he was waiting to be let in. My mom worked nights and it wasn't until the next morning when I was getting ready for school that I asked my mom about Ozzy and I discovered what happened the day before while I was gone.

My mother told me when she was getting ready for work and she let Ozzy outside and all of a sudden he took off running after something through the woods. She was getting ready for work and when he didn't come back, she didn't have time to chase him or deal with it. She had to leave for work. The direction she pointed towards a highway, Route 125 which is heavily traveled at a speed of 55 MPH or more. If you took Beauty Hill Road off Route 125, we lived on Fogarty Road off of Beauty hill. However, the direction she pointed was directly towards a major traveled route on Memorial Day no less. There was a lot of woods out there and I was so worried. I went to school and prayed Ozzy would come home.

Approximately 10:30 am later that morning while at school, I went into the girls bathroom to smoke a cigarette. There were a few girls in there at the time. As I was telling one girl of how I was worried about my dog, another girl overhears and speaks out, "do you have a German Shepherd?". I replied, "yes, why!?" She goes on to explain while she was working at the local movie theater, a couple came in and asked to use the phone because they had just hit a German Shepherd out on Route 125. I immediately threw my cigarette in the toilet and grabbed my bag and walked out of school. I walked to the nearest payphone and called my boyfriend and told him to come get me, we needed to go look for Ozzy. I knew he was out there somewhere. What if he was hurt and scared from all the cars, hiding, frightened, seeking shelter, waiting for me to come get him? What if he just had a broken leg and couldn't walk and was so frightened waiting for me to save him? I was determined I was going to find him dead or alive. I was going to comb every inch of both sides of Route 125 until I found him.

We searched, scoured, walked, and called out his name the rest of the day walking up and down the side of the highway. My boyfriend Josh, his friend Ryan and I looked and looked until darkness fell. We were standing up on a hillside watching the cars go by and I remember hearing Ryan and Josh laughing and having a beer, and I got so angry at them for not being sad like me. I really wasn't mad at them though. I screamed at them for laughing and having a good time while my dog lay bleeding and hurt waiting for me to save him or that he may even dead and began sobbing. I had been through a lot in my young life, so crying in front of others was something I couldn't do. It wasn't easy for me, but this time it was. I just kept saying, "what if he has a broken leg and just can't make it home and is waiting for me to come get him?". I had hope and determination. I cannot write this without shedding tears now. I wasn't giving up on him. I was going to find him dead or alive. Period. However, there wasn't much we could do in the dark and we would just have to start again the next day.

Wednesday we looked some more. We stopped in at every business we could asking if they had seen him leaving a description and a phone number. Wednesday turned into Thursday. More of the same, going up and down both sides of the road asking anyone and everyone I saw if they had seen my dog. I wasn't giving up. I was going to look under every tree and bush to find him.

Friday arrived and still nothing, but I wasn't stopping. You can't change this stubborn girl's mind when her heart depended upon it. I already lost one German Shepherd that I never got to see again, one I loved so much and will remember the first time I ever saw him. I wasn't losing another and I wasn't giving up on Ozzy until I found him.

Instead of going to school that week, I was on a mission. A mission to find my best friend. I got up every morning like I was going to school, only instead of going to school I set out searching. It was late in the afternoon that Friday when we went out to a big sandpit with lots of huge heavy equipment. There were front end loaders and excavators. We saw someone running a machine and we approached him. We asked if he had seen a hurt German Shepherd or any of his other co-workers. He shut his machine down, hopped off and went into this tiny building which was the office. He came back out telling us that Whitmer's Candy Shoppe about a mile up the road, called them earlier today asking if any of them lost their dog as they found a hurt German Shepherd hiding, seeking shelter under their porch. We raced to the candy shope.

When we got to the candy shop 5 minutes later, we were told the dog catcher had already come to get him and they brought him to the next town over to a vet there medical care. By this time it was 4:30 pm and we prayed we could make it to the vet before they closed. When I arrived at the vet and saw Ozzy, I was overcome with absolute pure joy and relief. The joy that creates tears. Ozzy's face lit up when he saw mine. In that moment all his pain disappeared because I wouldn't know just how bad the extent of his injuries were. He limped and you knew his hind leg was broke. We spoke with the vet and they told us the extent of his injuries according to them. They said leg was broken and he would require surgery that would cost thousands of dollars. Ozzy wasn't even a year old, and coming from a broken family where my parents were divorced, we didn't have thousands of dollars. Since I didn't have any money I asked if I could nurse him back to health and they said I could. I was so young and naïve at 15. I should have known they were lying because all they cared about was their money. They knew I couldn't afford the operation so they let me take Ozzy home.

After I brought Ozzy home, I tried taking care of him. All he did was lay on a blanket on the living room floor. He wasn't eating, he was barely drinking and I was watching him die. I knew he didn't have much more left in him because it took me 5 days just to find him. By now it had been a full week after his accident. I was in school, in the bathroom once again when the hall monitor, Mrs. Avery was chatting with me and I was telling her about my dog. She referred me to her vet which was the next state over. She gave me his number and told me to give him a call. All I remember was his name was Christopher. When I got home from school I called him. He told me to bring in my dog and the x-rays from the previous vet the following day.

I picked up the x-rays, and then went to Maine to see Christopher for a second opinion. We lived in NH, but I was willing to do anything to save my dogs life, no matter the distance. When meeting with him, he told me my dog needed immediate medical care. He needed surgery or he was going to die. Those words hit me hard. After all I had gone through to save his life and to find him. He said the x-rays from the first vet were horrible and he did x-rays once more and confirmed that Ozzy's broken pelvis was pinching his intestine and he was unable to go to the bathroom. He went on to explain that bone fragments could pierce and cause damage to his internal organs. His pelvis completely broke all around the leg socket with the leg still in tact which was freely floating. He could not use his leg at all. I broke down crying. I told him I searched for him for 5 days, and for the next five days after finding him I was told I could nurse him back to health when I was just watching him die. He knew we traveled out of state to see him. He asked if money was an issue and I confirmed it was. I wasn't ready to put this young dog down. My story, my determination to find my dog touched his heart apparently because he said he knew someone, a veterinary surgeon that he would call. This surgeon was hours away, but he would see what he could do.

After making a call for me, he came back into the exam room and said the veterinary hospital agreed to do the life saving surgery for one thousand dollars, not thousands. I had to bring him first thing bright and early on Monday morning with the money up front. That was another 5 days away. Ozzy had to make it until then. The surgery would take place a whole two weeks after his accident. It was the only hope we had. I had 5 days to come up with $1000.00.

During this time, my family came together to pay for the surgery. My aunt and uncle, my father and step mother, and my boyfriend and I came up with the $1000.00 to pay for the surgery. Ozzy was in a great deal of pain, unable to eat and barely move, but he hung on! We made it to surgery day!! It was a three hour drive from where we lived, so we got up bright and early. As we were going over the Casco Bay Bridge, the sun was just rising and was lighting up the Earth. It brought me hope. How he made it without internal bleeding is beyond me. They surgery was a success. They removed all bone fragments, and gave him a metal bone plate with nine bone screws to put his pelvis back together again. The surgeon did phenomenal work to give my pup the best life he could have. There were no words to express my gratitude. It was an overwhelming feeling of joy and emotions.

Ozzy was my best friend and protector. He was never aggressive towards anyone, but I knew deep down if he ever had to be to protect me and keep me from harm, he would. We were inseparable. Every where I went, he was right there with me. God, how much I loved him then and still do. Yet, this wasn't his only medical scare. He loved to find the most foul smelling, decaying things in the forest and roll in it or eat it!! I don't know what he ate one time, but he got real sick. He had the worst diarrhea and vomiting episode which quickly turned frightening. He began to become unsteady on his feet, walking as if he was drunk and then had a seizure. It was so scary to watch that a neighbor had seen this seizure while we were outside as he released the toxins from his system and came over offering his assistance. I took him to the vet and they examined him and they said he ate something real bad, and this will pass. Ozzy ended up having flu like symptoms for a couple days and ended up being just fine.

Fast forward a few more years and he was diagnosed with heartworms. I was a single mother working full time and going to college and I completely forgot about his Heartguard. I had to have him treated for heartworms which back then, they used arsenic in a series of doses over a set amount of time, slowly killing the heartworms. Of course this was during the summer and I couldn't allow for him to get any exercise or get his heart rate up because that could prove to be lethal for him. I kept the blinds down in the living room so he couldn't see outside and purchased my first air conditioner just for him as the summer temperatures could get into the triple digits. I would do absolutely anything for him. The bond and loved we shared is unlike any I have ever had with a dog, except for Bear.

I now have another German Shepherd whose name is Nero who is all black, just like Bear was. I rescued him when he was three years old and currently he suffers from inoperable cancer. I am making him as comfortable as possible giving him all the love I can. Ozzy was mostly black with some brown. Ozzy had light brown eyebrows that just melted my soul. He had light brown markings on his chest right below the neck that looked like he was wearing a huge smile on his chest.

There's something so soulful about the German Shepherd breed. Every German Shepherd had chosen me. That's how I prefer it. I allow the animals to choose me and I have always had the best relationships with my fellow four-legged best friends. I can't wait for the day that we all can meet again as my heart longs to see them once again. I look back and always wonder, "Did I love him enough? Did he know just how much he meant to me?" because I would do it all over again. I ask this question because he was with me through the birth of my two son's and raising my boys and I feel like that took attention away from him. What I would give again to come home and have a warm spot on the couch where he pretended not to be sleeping before we came back home.

Dogs are a precious gift from God. They calm us when we are upset, they protect us when they sense harm, their loyalty is never ending and they truly are a man's bestfriend. They enhance our lives here on Earth bringing us peace and joy. Each one of pups had something truly special about them. They are there right when you wake up in the morning urging you out of your slumber and they are anxiously waiting at the door or intently watching through the window for your arrival at the end of the day. So eager to please and make you happy and love to share their most prized possessions with you. I always ask, "who rescued who" because I swear each one is heaven sent to rescue us. This is why I volunteered my time as a foster mom for Paws New England and have volunteered my time on Live and Let Live Farm, LLC. I cannot precisely express how much of a blessing they truly are because it is an experience that fills your soul. The bond between a dog and his master is magical and extraordinary. Until we meet again my friends for you are forever in my heart and bless my memories. I will see you one day on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge. I wish I could have spent my entire lifetime with all of them by my side.

As Nero is giving me the best of what time he has left and as I try to mentally prepare for the inevitable, it brings back huge waves of grief from the empty space the ones before him left, knowing there will be yet another one. I must not think of it as empty space though, I need to think of it from the perspective of how these special friends filled my heart and life with precious memories. Nero is special in so many ways. He doesn't like anyone near the water. He will grab a hold of you and pull and drag you away from the water. When my children were swimming in the lake he would bark and cry and swim out to the water and drag them back into shore. He is a shadow of protection and always right by your side. Oh, I must not forget the way he inches from the end of the bed very slowly until he rests his head on the pillow beside me. Or the way he lovingly joins me on the couch to cuddle giving me a hug with his right leg (but really it's because he wants a bite of my fruit). I will have some great memories to share of him also.

Thank you to all my furry friends. There have been so many that have made my life so full over my life time, and for that, I filled with love and gratitude.