Very costume. So Dogecoin. Much Sheba. Such adorbs. Wow.

Yes, okay, it’s me, Aiko Kitsune, all dressed up as a Dogecoin token. And yes, it’s embarrassing. My humans are normally so nice, so chill – and then this. I blame it on Elon Musk. It was bad enough his tweeting about Dogecoin going to the moon, but then he shows up on Saturday Night Live last May talking about it. I watched that episode with my humans. I think that’s what got the wheels turning.

October comes around and one day as we’re doing our morning walk, this human passing by stops to admire me. I’m not vain, but let me just tell you, it happens all the time. Normally, humans say, “That’s a cute dog, it looks like a little fox.” But this one surprises me by saying, “Hey, that’s a Shiba Inu isn’t it? Reminds me I need to invest in some Dogecoin!” My human laughed but then she looked at me the same way that Husky Bruno across the street does. Planning something for me that I am probably not going to like. The next few days there was a lot of cutting and stitching going on and the whole house smelled like spray paint. And then last night, I’m trussed up in this get up. A living Dogecoin. So. Very. Embarrassing.

What’s more embarrassing though? The whole Doge meme thing. You know the one that shows a wily-looking Shibe surrounded by dumb phrases like “so scare” written in that lowbrow font Comic Sans? You’ve seen it surely; it’s been around for like 56 dog years. You have seen the original or one of the hundreds of copycats. (Copy “cats”, ha, isn’t that the truth. Cats have no originality!) Well, those Doge memes, they got us Shiba Inu all wrong.

I mean, it’s good to be appreciated for how cute and clever we are. The memes are accurate there. And yes, we will give you the old judgmental side-eye just like that Kabosu did in the original meme. Doubtless, we live up to that sassy look. We will shred every bit of paper in the house. We will try to chew the legs off all the chairs. I for one have been known to jump on the table to steal a slice of pepperoni directly from the pizza box. And the rumor that if we get off leash for even a second we will tear out and run a Shiba 500 all over the neighborhood? Truth.

But here’s the part that is all wrong. Apparently the humans who write these memes assume we are nincompoops that think in two-word phrases! Every Doge meme is covered with words that are supposed to represent our inner dialog. Most of them start with the same few words, “such” this and “very” that. Please! Did you know that professional linguists have studied the Doge “language”? They write academic papers on the subject and define the Doge corpus. Imagine writing your thesis on a language that some jokers on the Internet made up. Wow.

Humans may think it’s cute, but it makes us look simple-minded. And anybody who knows a Shiba Inu, knows we’re anything but that. We’re articulate. Some Shiba talk! It’s a kind of twist on a Shiba Scream so it sounds like a human word. You know, Waaaaaak, or Oooouuuut. I haven’t tried it myself. But our inner dialog, that’s complex. We’re always thinking, even when we’re just sitting there looking cute. And we can do higher math too. Personally, I can perform the complex calculation in my head to figure out exactly what angles and how much velocity is required to jump from the ottoman to the chair, to the table to the top of the cat’s tower so I can bump it with my paw and topple that Miss Kitty right off her throne. Ha!

Aside from our intellect, we are a noble breed. We’re known as a Japanese treasure! We’re hunters. I can sniff out a mole from two yards away. Did you know that back in Japan, we were used to hunt wild boar? Wild boar have razor-sharp tusks! I’d like to see a cat do anything even close to that.

No, we are not even close to simple-minded, but the meme propagates the myth that we are. Even Dogecoin – a serious cybercurrency – even Dogecoin perpetuates this myth. No “E Pluribus Unum”-type classy Latin for Dogecoin. Oh no. Instead, it says “much coin how money so crypto plz mine v rich very crypto wow.” And this is what my humans literally hang around my head. Sigh!

I know they didn’t mean to abase me with this costume. I know they love me. The named me “Aiko” after all. That’s Japanese for love child. The emperor of Japan called his only child “Aiko.” It’s a noble name. By contrast, they called the cat Miss Kitty. Can you get any more generic than that? I almost feel sorry for her. It’s not like they called me Miss Doggie. I know where I am in the pecking order around here, and it’s on top. I’m just saying I am a bit disappointed that Dogecoin is the costume they chose. Why not Princess Aiko? Has a nice ring to it. A crown, or at least a tiara. That would have been more appropriate.

Some of you are dubious. You wonder how a dog – a puppy if I’m being honest – can be so knowledgeable, so well-spoken. It’s less incredible than you might think. When it comes to knowing about my breed, maybe it’s what some humans call genetic memory. I simply know from whence I came. Otherwise, I keep my nose to the ground. My humans listen to podcasts, they watch how-to YouTube videos, they love their documentaries. I listen, I pick up a few nuggets here and there. I’m not going to try to explain blockchain technology to you, but I could. I could tell you everything you’d want to know about Dogecoin. Instead, I end up getting dressed up like one. “Such disappoint.” Ha!