UNLEASHED

This is dedicated to Matthew. This is his story.

Life can be Unpredictable times. We all know this. Sometimes you can feel like the world is crashing down on you and all you need is a friend. A shoulder to cry on. Sometimes all you need is he willing ear and an unjudgmental heart. For me, when I was growing up, I didn’t feel that I had a positive outlet to let my heart and frustration out. I was led to believe that the only way to show people how I feel was to get angry. Most of the time, I was just sad. I grew up with my mom and pops (my father’s parents). I never realized how much they really loved and cared for me when I was younger. Thankfully I got close to them before they passed away.

I got a puppy named Max and had him for a short time. I was so happy with him. For the first time ever, I felt my burdens slipped away. I finally had someone I could turn to. After having him for just a few weeks Max passed away due to a bite from a black widow spider. I was devastated. My life was turned upside down. Being young as I was, I never expected to know death. A new unhappiness but losing Max showed me real depression.

As the years went by, I stayed alone without another animal. The heartache from losing Max has stayed with me all my life. Max gave me something that I will never forget. He gave me a sense of worth. He depended on me and loved me. I took my experience and time with him as a lesson. I began to see the world in a different way. Somehow though my world was black and white his love turned it to color.

After losing Max, I learn how to let others in. I began getting closer to my parents. My pops taught me things a father does, like playing ball in the yard. My mom and pops always took me and my little sister on nightly walks around the block where we met our neighbors. On the weekends we would go to the park. During the evenings we had dinner at the dining room table. There were no cell phones back then. For fun my sister and I sat outside and made fun of the passersby. At night we would watch television in the living room together. We were always together. Around 10 PM every weeknight my pops will wake us up to watch a sitcom that was 30 minutes long. It was something we did to bond more. He bonded with my sister over singing. God, did she love to sing.

When I was older, I moved in with my older sister and her kids. The kids were my life and still are to this day. Not too long after moving in with her my pops began to get sick. Thankfully I was living downstairs from him in a retirement complex so I could easily and frequently walk upstairs to see him. I did as much as I could. I started opening up to him. I knew that I needed to tell him how I feel and let him know I loved him very much. The day we lost him was the hardest day of my life. At this point I had lost love ones before but it’s always harder losing a parent.

I felt my world crashing in again and couldn’t turn to my mom. I didn’t want to burden her with my heartbreak. She was battling her own. Though I tried not to show it I lost my mind. I was caught in a vicious cycle of anger and depression. Soon after losing him, we moved to a house. I was still with my older sister. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. My nephew and nieces took away the pain day after day until I was able to function and my sister was a shoulder I could cry on. My baby sister was dealing with her own issues and we weren’t close to each other. I also didn’t see much of my youngest sister.

My little sister came to stay the night with us and the first time she did my older sister, and the kids came into the room with a beautiful little puppy. They handed her to me and told me she was mine. They told me to name her so of course I named her Maxine. Maxine gave me a new life. She was so cute and so chubby. I sheltered Maxine. I couldn’t believe she was mine. I have been an introvert most of my life. Having Maxine, I didn’t mind. I had my best friend. I didn’t need to go anywhere. She was my happiness.

Maxine was my baby. She wasn’t just a dog. When she was small, I worried for her safety, so we didn’t go many places. I was protective of her. As she grew, I’ll let go of the reins a bit and we were able to begin our adventures . We would go on long walks and go to the park to play. As the years flew by, she was always by my side. Since the day I got her, she slept in the bed with me. Maxine never let me down.

Some years later we moved again. Still with my sister. I was given another puppy. I still had Maxine and she was still very happy and healthy, so I was happy to take on the extra responsibility of having her. Her name is Samantha. I have a worry that the dogs would not get along. To my surprise they took to each other right away. I now had these two beautiful dogs in my life. I took them everywhere with me. I even took them to the corner store. We played all day in my sister‘s backyard. At night time, just as before with Maxine, my babies were in the bed with me.

We all snuggled, and I read them stories. I put them to bed like they were my children. As the years went on my older sister had more children. So did my younger sisters. While raising my dogs I helped raise my sisters’ children. I was the great uncle Matthew and great daddy to my pups. A couple of years ago I was given another pup. Her name is Alice. She is very hyper. She’s the most adventurous of all of us.

Last March my mom passed away and I didn’t take it well. I became very depressed and angry and everything. I knew something had to change. I couldn’t let my dogs see me this way. I decided to take them on real adventures, past the corner store. I wanted to see the world and I wanted to take them along for the ride. My dream was to travel so we did. I knew I needed to see the world before I die. We started on our way. Just me and my girls. We stayed with a family member when we went to Texas. On the way, we got to see all the sites.

Soon after, my little sister and her husband came to pick us up to take us back to California. I decided to take my dogs camping and my sister‘s small town. At the time, I started to get close to my nephew and I took him on my adventures. We had a month-long of adventures going from one campground to another. We met great people along the way. Thanks to cell phones and my nephew being a teenager addicted to social media, he was able to record funny videos of our times at the camp with the dogs.

When we were at the second campground my dogs had more freedom to walk around. They took every advantage they could and got into trouble. One night after putting them to bed we fell asleep. When we woke up the dogs were gone. We frantically search for them. I had a bad feeling that I would never see them again or that they were injured. Thankfully we found them quick. It had been around an hour to an hour and a half or so. It’s a feeling I won’t soon forget.

After leaving the two camps, we went to stay a few days with a cousin in the area. My dogs were on 5 acres of open land. My nephew and I were cautious with the dogs since we were warned that there were wild animals out there. It was open land, so we needed to watch the dogs carefully and not let them veer too far away from us. One day we heard a loud scream. We ran quickly to see a wild coyote attacking Samantha.

Though Samantha is very little, her survival instincts kicked into high gear. My nephew and I chased the coyote away from the property. I was scared and enraged. I feared that Samantha would die from the attack. She didn’t. Within an hour she was her happy little self again and was running around like nothing happened. At that point we decided to pack up and go back to my older sisters house. We had enough “real” adventures. Since the attack I have become more protective of them.

This past Christmas was the roughest. It was my first Christmas without mom. When my pops passed away it was five days before Christmas. On 23 December this past year (last month) my Maxine passed away. I got to hold her as a baby and 16 years later I held her as she fell asleep and crossed the rainbow bridge. I think of Maxine every minute of every day. Though I am hurting, I am grateful to have had her in my life for so many wonderful years.

I’m happy that my family is closer than ever before. All my siblings are a part of my life and they have been very supportive since losing Maxine. My other dogs miss her as much as I do. I know that I must stay strong for them. My babies still need me. I am thankful for my little sister telling my story. She cries for Maxine still. She made a memorial plaque for me. I keep it with me. I know that time will heal this pain and leave me with the beautiful memories I shared with Maxine. Because of #HaloCollar I am ready to let my dogs live unleashed again. It’s time for a new adventure.

———Matthew Luke Pascale———