Today I Won't Chase

Have you ever experienced something so powerful that fighting against its compelling attraction just isn't on the menu much less on the plate? That's how my demon has controlled me but by gosh this will be the year that I regain the reign over my own palace of self! The chase doesn't just haunt my waking hours it's penetrated my subconscious like a Japanese Katana vertically parsing a bamboo shoot. This affected my sleep and frankly pilfered its regenerative abilities. I always playback a dream that reoccurs the way an 80s rom-com on HBO does, it begins with me running through the forest naked, inches shy of the ground, four puffy paws to the floor. I'm so close to the prairie dog that's breaking our path that I can hear its heartbeat thumping like a bass drum, leading our dance through the foliage. A flash appears deep starboard, pushing the limits of my periphery, I can make out an awe striking bright ruby beam of light. The prairie dog breaks right but I maneuver quickly to the port side following the crimson beast as if I'm its next cart on a train. I can't win the fight, it even forces me to defy my own instinct.

A defining factor behind choosing the present to instill change, is the recognition of the collateral damage that my behavior has manifest. When the red beast effortlessly glides up the couch my paws automatically activate their switchblade extensions. Both to capture and to climb relentlessly ripping through one of the beds my feeder has given me (he calls it their couch). Sometimes I think I notice a correlation between my feeder's hand movements and the jumping of the laser. In the pit of my stomach I get the feeling something isn't quite above board about how the ray traverses the identical area that I get told to descend from! Alas, no other is forcing me to chase. I'm who chooses whether or not to bare my fangs, and the first part of changing is taking responsibility.

They say that expecting a different result from the same action is the definition of insanity - does that make me insane? Every time I "get" the bright dot it jumps on top of my paw with a weightless footprint. Am I "getting" it at all? Maybe that's the wrong question. Maybe the proper question is: What is it about the chase that's worth risking everything for? This is a battle of the mind and the rules are simple. Every time I think about the red laser I remember that it's actually an illusion. I recall the reality that although it's been touched a thousand times it's never been felt. When I wake up from a nap and want to play I replace the hypnotizing bead with a catnip infused mouse, tied to a rubber-band, tied to a string thing that I'm reuniting with. When the Siren of light dances in my face taunting me, I choose other activities. I focus on self care and lick the rough off my tongue primping myself up. Maybe I'll grab a healthy snack, nothing similar to the pig-out sessions the big-boned neighbor cat must be indulging in though.

I guess like they say, life can only be lived 'one day at a time,' unless 'they' are quantum physicists. So I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'll be able to parry temptations' advances and never chase another dashing beam of light. What I will tell you though is this: I haven't been led astray so far, and that this day I chose not to chase. Today I'm taking control of my body, my mind and my soul. Next thing you know it will be another year.