The Cat

The therapist told me I should organize my thoughts, write them and reassemble them, he gave me this little black notebook to do that so here I am again smoking -again- leaning against this planter full of dead rotting flowers that no one tends to, in this crappy apartment complex outside my crappy apartment in this crappy episode of my lonely life.

Ok I guess maybe that's a gloomy way to introduce myself but trust me if you knew everything I have been through you would agree with the crappy part. Let’s see, where do I begin? 6 months ago I was a suburban housewife in Ohio, married to a handsome man who had a lot of money and kept me ‘taken care of’ today I live in a 400 sq ft studio apartment in Olympia downtown area, I am completely alone, my parents won’t talk to me and for some reason I though moving across the country was a great idea. It was not.

I feel stupid, I spent the last 8 years of my life tending to a relationship with someone that I was never in love with, he just seemed like the right fit, the one my parents liked, the good ‘loving’ husband, my last big shot at love straight out of ‘Big Sur’ but even Kerouac knew last big shot’s are never meant to work out. And here I am unemployed, broke and broken in more ways that I can even begin to understand.

The firefighter that lives across from me is coming home from shift and I can feel his eyes on me. He is cute but he never talks to me and at this age in this point of my life I don’t have time for guys without the guts to talk to me even if they’re very cute. He smiles, I nod and then he pretends to do something outside to look at me a little longer, only today he doesn’t have to pretend, there is someone else outside with us and he notices him first.

On the other side of the parking lot there is a small orange cat, although at this point I think calling him a cat is a generous term; he is skin and bones, his fur is disheveled, one of his pointy ears is not actually pointy because it's missing the tip and he is missing his right eye.

The firefighter kneels and tries to call the poor bastard but the cat decides to walk towards me, I stand up and toss my cigarette butt on the ground, the cat rubs against my legs. I smile, while this clean, tidy, handsome firefighter is trying to get the feline’s attention this little bugger has chosen me and I think maybe it is because we are both strayed kindred souls.

I pet the cats back and the firefighter walks to us.

-It seems like he likes you- he says and I notice how deep and nice his voice is.

-It seems so….- I reply sitting on the floor to continue petting the cat.

Suddenly as frugally as he came the cat decides it’s time to leave and runs away. The firefighter looks at me and offers me his hand to help me get up and I don’t know why I feel embarrassed, I thank him brushing off my pants and quietly go back into my apartment.

The next day both the firefighter and the cat are back and we repeat the ritual, he calls the cat. I ignore him, the cat comes to me and we talk this time a little more.

-Hi! How are you? I think our friend here was waiting for you- he says, smiling.

-Meh I’m ok…- I state dully

-Oh! What's wrong? Do you need something?- He asks

-Twenty thousand dollars and a new pack of cigarettes- We both laugh at my reply.

Suddenly without realizing it this is also part of my routine. I come out, the cat waits for me, I talk to Spencer, the firefighter, a little more every day, our conversations always end with that snarky ‘Twenty thousand dollars and a new pack of cigarettes’.

The days when the firefighter is on shift and does not come home the cat does not come and visit me either, I suspect it is because Spencer feeds him and I don’t. I find these days the most difficult to tolerate myself. I can’t write those days.

I like this new routine I have built for myself. I miss my one-eyed cat friend, he purrs and always tries to get on my lap, he rubs his face on mine and if I don’t give him enough attention pets himself with my hand.

I miss the firefighter and his attempts to make me feel better and his constant bickering about ‘smoking is bad for you’ like he has the world figured out and I suspect that if the guy could get me to stop smoking he would fulfill his prince charming savior complex but that only makes me want to smoke more.

But as good things often do one Friday my newly found solace comes to an end when Spencer asks me out and I don’t know how to tell him that I can’t because parts inside of me are still broken so I say ‘no, thanks’ and go back inside and then that’s it the firefighter does not come out anymore.

Weeks pass and at least the cat still visits because Spencer leaves out food for him, he and I become closer friends because you can’t own a cat you just share what they want to give you.

I pet my furry friend’s head

-See you tomorrow, I do need a new pack of cigarettes and maybe the twenty thousand dollars too- The cat understands and walks away.

At the gas station store around the corner I decide to buy a scratch lottery ticket. When I scratch the numbers I can’t believe it, I’ll be darned here are my 20,000 shiny dollars. I take the lottery ticket home hoping the cat will still be there so I can tell him.

He is there laying by my planter but something seems to be wrong. I kneel down to pet him and there is no response, I pick him up and run to Spencer’s door, upon seeing me he knows something is wrong. I hug the cat and he drives us up the street to the emergency vet but my cat is already gone by the time we reach the door. I think to myself I would have spent every last of those damned twenty thousand dollars trying to save my one-eyed orange cat friend.

We leave the cat to be cremated and Spencer being him tries to comfort me even with his broken ego that I stepped on before and know I can’t even remember why I said no to that date in the first place.

We cashed the 20,000 the day we picked up the cat’s ashes from the vet and I never smoked again.

I had that cat just enough time to fall in love with him and just enough to feel my heart break again when I lost him, we used the 20,000 to help other cats like him. Thanks to him I have actually found someone who I am in love with even with his prince charming-ness and who loves me back in despite of how snarky I can be. We own two cats and I keep my friends ashes in the planter that we got flowers from and care for.