Henry Rollins and the Blueberry Puffs

She ran the tips of her fingers over my nose. They applied gentle pressure from there, to the top of my head, then back and down between my shoulders. Her hands were so large, about the size of my entire body, but she was so delicate when she pet me.

“I have to go to work, buddy,” she said, “I’ll see you later, okay? I love you, Henry.”

Her voice was so calm and reassuring. I was already so tired that I hardly noticed the door closing behind her when she left. Sleep came too easily. One moment, I was thinking about how good her fingers felt on my fur, and wishing she would come back to scratch my cheek. In the next moment, I was dreaming about eating snacks with my brothers. Blueberry puffs were our favorite.

I woke once and was briefly aware that the room was quiet, and dark. She hadn’t returned yet. I could feel the blanket I was laying in. It felt good to be warm. I sniffed the air and could make out the familiar traces of the blueberry puffs sitting in their container across the room. Safe, I thought. I am so tired, but I am safe, and she will be back soon.

I fell into a deeper sleep. This time, I didn’t dream.

I woke up again but, this time, with a start. It felt much like nighttime when she would enter the room and turn on the light, changing everything from a deep darkness to sudden brightness. But by the sunlight pushing past the closed blinds in the window, I could see that it was still day time.

I wasn’t tired anymore. Actually, I felt really good! What’s more, I was on the floor, with my new cage still up on her bed. I must have fallen. No wonder I woke up so suddenly. Lucky me, though, because now that I’m not in the cage, I can get some of those puffs. If I hurry, I might be able to get the container open before she comes back!

I shook myself and my body felt light, like I was young again. Feeling that no damage had been done in the fall, I ran alongside bed. I turned the corner and looked up at my old cage. It was bigger than my new cage, much bigger, and Danzig was still inside.

To be honest, I didn’t miss him much. Once I started getting sick, he got kind of mean. He would push me away from the food and pin me down whenever he felt like it. He even started stealing my snacks from me! I was too tired to bother defending myself. I guess that’s why she separated us, so that I could get some rest away from him. At least he couldn’t take my snacks anymore.

I crossed the big, empty floor and approached the cage. The blueberry puffs, and our boring old food, was on top. If I could jump up high enough, I could grab the lowest bars of the door and climb all the way up. I used to try that all the time when I was let out to explore, but she only ever let us out while she was home. She would see me trying to make my way to the puffs and she’d just pick me up, and place me on the floor again. But this time she wasn’t home and I had all the energy in the world.

As I got closer to the cage, Danzig’s scent became pungent. He smelled like stress and anger. He had smelled that way ever since she took away his brother, Graves, and he never came back. Graves had been really sick. Danzig and I had been taking turns sleeping with him. I missed him, but Danzig missed him more.

Both of them were my family, but I wasn’t their real brother. I was already with her when they came to share my cage with me. I didn’t want to share her attention, or my snacks, at first. I think that’s why Danzig didn’t like me anymore. I guess I was a little mean to him when he first came home, so I can’t blame him for being so aggressive now that his real brother was gone.

When she had returned to our room that day, she was so sad. She smelled like medicine and death. I had been to the place that smelled like that, before. I didn’t like it very much but I always came back with her. But, somehow, Danzig and I knew what it meant that Graves didn’t come back. You just know things like that.

Anyway, with Danzig smelling dangerous and all, I was worried that he might bite my toes as I was climbing. Once I was right under the cage, I waited and listened. I could hear him breathing rhythmically – he was sleeping. It was safe!

I took a step back and looked up. My eyes locked on the bars that I wanted to grab. I pumped my back legs, wiggling my butt, to prepare for launch. I took a deep breath and jumped as hard as I could. I reached out with my front paws and latched onto some of the bars at the lower part of the cage door. My back feet kicked wildly as I struggled to find leverage for them. I pulled my upper body upwards and my toes found a bar to hold on to. Then, I started to climb.

I was about halfway up when movement inside the cage caught me off guard. Danzig was stepping outside of one of the sleeping houses. I froze and watched him. He reached his arms out and stretched, opening his mouth wide while he yawned. He settled again and licked his lips, then he turned, and came toward me.

I was ready to either drop, or climb as fast as possible, once he was in biting distance. But I stayed as still as possible in the hopes that he wouldn’t notice me. Right then, freezing felt like the appropriate response to this possible danger.

Danzig came right up to the cage door and descended the ladder that was there to connect the upper shelf to the main floor of the cage. He passed right by me and didn’t even stop to look at me. He went right down to the water bottle and licked at the spout to get a drink.

It was weird. But, then again, we were both old, and he has just woken up. Since he was busy getting some water, it was my chance to keep climbing before he realized what was happening. So, I began again, as quickly and quietly as I could.

It wasn’t too long before I reached the top. Danzig, busy grooming himself below, remained clueless. I wondered if it would make him less sour towards me if I shared some puffs with him.

Puffs! There I was, so close to the Holy Grail of snacks. The blueberry scent was extra sweet and tantalizing, being so close to them. I crawled across the bars of the top of the cage to get to the bin that held the treat container. I reached up to the ledge of the bin and hoisted myself up, then dropped down inside. The container was right there in front of me! All I had to do was get the lid open and I could have all the puffs I wanted!

The sound of a door opening gave me pause. My front paws where braced on the lid of the treat container. I froze again, waiting for the inevitable. Sure enough, it was her, returning to our room. She smelled like salt, and grease, and stress. She always smelled like that after going to “work”, whatever that was.

I turned and leaned on the edge of the bin, waiting for her to notice me. Now that she was home, she would take me down and give me the puffs herself. She always did. I think she never wanted my efforts to go to waste. She was good like that. Puffs aside, now that she was home, she would give me pets and talk to me. She always did when she came back.

But she wasn’t looking in my direction. She was looking at the smaller cage on the bed. She gasped and began to cry, like she did when Graves went away. “Oh, no, Henry,” she sobbed.

I climbed out of the bin and started making my way down the cage. She must have thought I was lost. When I was younger, I’d find really good hiding places in our room. Cozy spots that I could sleep in. When it was time to go back in the cage, she would look for me everywhere. She would finally find me and her heart would be racing. She didn’t like it when she couldn’t find me and I didn't like knowing she was feeling stress.

When I was far enough down the cage door, I let myself drop to the floor. It didn’t hurt or anything. By then, she had sat down on the bed. I thought it was weird that she wasn’t looking for me. I ran across the floor and leapt onto the side of the bed. I dug my nails into the blankets there and climbed up as fast as I could.

When I got up there, she was holding something to her chest. I came bounding up to her legs and reared up, trying to get her attention. But she wouldn’t look at me. She was cradling and petting the thing in her arms.

It was then that I knew. I guess you just know things like that.

No wonder I had felt so good. I wasn’t tired or sick anymore. Climbing the big cage had been so easy. The room had been so bright and clear, again. One moment I was just so tired, sick and resting in a small cage, and the next, I was free. I couldn’t even remember the last time I was this lucid. I did suddenly remember the taste of medicine, though. And the trips to the place that smelled like medicine and death. How she put the small cage on her bed so that she could keep an eye on me. She had tried to make me feel better, but, eventually, it is your time to go away.

I tried to tell her this, but she couldn’t see me and she couldn’t speak rat. But I climbed up on her legs and huddled against her belly, anyway. She was rocking slightly back and forth, and I tried to press myself against her. I could hear the sadness in her breath and her heartbeat.

I wish I could have told her that all I wanted was blueberry puffs, and maybe some more pets, before I went away. That I hadn’t wanted for anything else. That I had felt warm, and safe, and knew she would come back for me. I wish she could have seen that I was still there with her and the body she was holding wasn’t me, anymore.

“I’m so sorry, buddy,” she was saying through her tears.

And even though she couldn’t hear me, I said, “It’s okay, Mama. I know you did your best. I’ll stay here with you until you don’t need me anymore. And one day, when it’s your time to go away, I’ll be waiting for you. I just hope they have blueberry puffs there.”