For the Human Who Needs Rest

Welcome, shoe-walkers. This guide is for my housekeeper; however the fur on the streets is that you could all use a little lesson in the fine art of napping. So, please allow me to be your guide. Here are nine rules from the feline community that may aide you in your pursuit of a better nighttime rest.

One: “Bellies up are a must. Bellies down deserve a frown.”

Ever wondered why cats sleep with their bellies toward the sky? It’s because we know how to honor our meal. Don’t stuff all that glorious food down your gullet and then sleep on top of it! The meal knows when you are disrespecting it. Place your back flat on the bed and turn your belly upwards. Let the moon appreciate the two of you. And never, never, hold in your gut. Relax the muscles and appreciate the pounds that your exquisite life has afforded you.

Two: “Find the music. Be the music.”

Life is full of loud and obnoxious sounds. Take a motorcycle, for instant. Or the whistling of a teapot. Or the next-door neighbor playing their music all the way up. You may not consciously register the sounds, but your body does, and it needs a change of pace. When you lay down at night, play a soothing sound. Something soft and light, like the sound of the ocean or the music of a flute. Meditations and white noise work as well. You can listen to that while your cat sleeps on your chest. You are our music box and our la-z-boy all in one. Accept it. Embrace it. Find the music. Be the music.

Three: “Routine is the poutine of life.”

Think about this for a moment. Every day, after work, you sit down to eat a piping hot basket of fries. You open up a can of tuna and slide it over to your favorite four-legged friend. The two of you eat your meals together. Ah! So yummy! So satisfying! The problem comes one day when work runs overtime and you’re late to dinner. You’ve just lost your routine and the food’s gone cold. The same concept applies to a bedtime routine. Stick it to schedule or it won’t be near as fulfilling. (Also, the vet made me promise to tell you this: only feed the cat tuna once or twice a week. Our stomach’s crave schedules, too.)

Four: “Fish is the dish best served for sleep.”

While we are on the topic of tuna, let’s talk about vitamins and minerals. Fish is rich in magnesium and Omega-3 Fatty Acids which aid in the production of chemicals that induce sleep. In other words, add fish or supplements to your diet so you can get a better snooze. Your eyes and our sniffers will thank you for it.

Five: “Sleep like you mean it.”

In the cat world, sleep is a serious business. We sleep at least twelve hours of the day, oftentimes even more. You, however, can get less. Keep it between seven to ten hours long. And listen to your body. Some nights require more sleep than others, so check in with yourself and plan to give your body the sleep that it needs. There is no shame to a good night’s sleep.

Six: “Catnaps are encouraged.”

Cats value sleep more than most. It’s why we gave humans the term for a catnap. Again, listen to your body and take one when you need one. Some people will try to tell you exactly how long you should nap but every person and every body is different, so make sure to do what is right for you. In other words, don’t give in to peer pressure. I would, however, recommend taking your nap with your cat if you can arrange it. It will produce stress-reducing hormones in the both of you.

Seven: “Water fountains are not just for the bougie.”

Did you know that cats and humans alike don’t get near enough the amount of water that they need? Installing a water fountain could encourage you both to drink more, but water from any clean source is acceptable. Drinking the right amount of water keeps your body from dehydrating while it’s asleep, assists in maintaining a comfortable core body temperature, and allows the body to metabolize and rejuvenate itself. I prefer ice cold water, but I’ve heard some like it warmed up. Either way, water is water. Drink it down, baby!

Eight: “If it shows, anything goes.”

This rule is specifically for those of you with little nippers at home. There is nothing more tantalizing than the foot you have positioned just slightly out from underneath the covers. Or the fingers you have curled around your blanket edge. Is it true that these very appendages have been directly in reach all day long? Yes, but because it is sheltered, it is even more prized. Keep your toes and your fingers tucked under the covers if wish them not to be disturbed. If you choose otherwise, it’s your downfall. Anything shows, goes.

Nine: “After nine lives, you’re out of luck.”

This is the saying that we tell all the little kittens when they are out partying late at night, eating mice and chasing tails. It’s a reminder that even the best of us are not immortal. We must live safely and honor our bodies. You, human, must do the same. Valuing your sleep is one way to assure yourself a healthier and happier life. So, why wouldn’t you make it a priority?

That’s nine, human! Nine tips from the feline who knows sleep better than any other. Yes, I keep you from repositioning yourself at night when you want to switch sides. Yes, I wake you up sometimes for cuddles. But hopefully now you can see that it has all been in your best interest. And you now know the rules of sleep better than any other. A great sleep in 2022 awaits! Use the rules wisely, human. (But please don’t share number eight too widely. The kittens deserve the frivolities of youth.)