Custard, Sausage and Mash

Monday 16th April

I was woken up by Custard sniffing around my front porch again this morning. Well I was already up, but it was early! And it’s lucky I was up because otherwise I wouldn’t have seen him relieving himself on Joshua my garden gnome. AGAIN!

No sooner did I shoo him away did Sandra come out with her pretend apologies. “I’m so sorry Bill.” If she was really sorry she’d not let the little yapping thing run riot on our street.

After the mornings’ debacle I finished my bacon sandwich and got dressed and ready for some treasure hunting on the beach. I was very excited after last weeks find - A 1975 Millman’s tobacco tin, which fetched me £11 down at the traders, so I felt like I was on a roll. Who knows this week maybe some gold or silver?

I was there an hour and a half quite happily on my own, then guess who shows up. That devious cow Sandra again! I shouldn’t have been so naïve to tell her about my metal detecting back when she moved here in January. I should have known she was going to swindle me out of all my findings.

She knows Monday mornings are when I like to go too. Lots of people come to the beach over the weekend you see so there’s more to find. And do you know how I know she knows that? Because I told her! Such an idiot! She was searching the beach near Peter’s Point. I hadn’t told her I’d already searched it. By the end of the day I’d found some coins, including a 1984 50p (but I don’t think that will get me much at the traders), a zippo lighter which I might get 3 or 4 quid for, and some keys.

Sandra comes over to have a look and shows me what she’s got. A mobile phone, a wallet with a 20 in it, and a 1971 JAKEMAN’S tobacco tin! As I write this in my little black diary I’m still absolutely livid! She’ll get at least £16 for that I reckon.

If I’m honest she’s not putting the hard work in that us real treasure hunters do. It’s cheating really. She’s there with her brand new detector, and then gets her dog to dig for her. Lazy. She said she’s going to hand the phone and wallet in but sell the tin and then said we could split it 50/50 if I wanted to, since I told her where to look.

Does she really think I’ll fall for that? Then when I make an amazing find she’ll want to split that? I don’t think so pal.

Tuesday 17th April

Custard was in my garden again this morning. I had a look on the Internet and apparently chilli powder and vinegar are great dog repellants. I picked some up from the shops right away. That little runt wont be sniffing around my ornaments any time soon.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are OAP’s only at the Bingo Plaza. Got there half an hour early like I always do so I could pick up a shandy, pack of crisps and get my usual table to myself. 5 minutes before the first game starts and Sandra strolls in! She looks around and sees muggins over here and just sits down on my table! She didn’t even ask?! If you want a good table you should show up early and get your own! Your inability to manage time isn’t my problem.

Of course I had to let her sit with me. She knew it too the crafty witch. If I told her to move the club members would think I’m horrible. I’ll tell her in future I like to play on my own. There was a big jackpot today so I didn’t want any distractions. But she just sat there chatting to me the whole way through! Talking about Custard and the beach and how she’s enjoying her new treasure-hunting hobby. I wish I could have just told her to be quiet, I could barely hear the numbers being called over her nonsense. Last game of the day and I hadn’t won anything yet. Not even a straight-line prize.

Sandra starts perking up, more and more of her numbers are coming in. Then of course, she gets the whole bloody jackpot! £100!

She was there screaming and jumping up and down. I wanted to kick the table over.

Afterwards everyone was congratulating her, even the Bingo club chairman. And if that wasn’t enough, to rub salt in the wound guess what she did? She bought me a shandy and gave it to me right in front of the Bingo board members. I see what she’s doing. She knows I want to be on the Bingo board and she wants to take my place! The games this woman plays are unbelievable.

Wednesday 18th April

Today was… eventful. This morning I was disturbed by the noisy bin men coming to collect the rubbish. I had a look out the window and saw Custard sniffing around near Joshua again and realized I’d forgotten to put the chilli powder out!

I wasn’t going to let him mark Joshua as his territory for the hundredth time so I quickly rushed to the cupboard, poured the powder out of the shaker into my hand and lobbed it out the window towards him. It flew over to him like a cloud and as soon as he smelled it he legged it!

But when he ran, he ran right into the path of the bin man pushing along a full and heavy bin. The bin man squashed him! Squashed him right under the bin. I can still hear his high-pitched squeak.

I quickly shut the window and kept looking out between the curtains, luckily no one saw me.

Sandra the drama queen runs out crying, it’s a whole big fuss. The bin men sort of standing around not knowing what to do.

Needless to say the rest of my day was bliss. Went for a search on the beach ALONE and found an old electric stopwatch. Probably not worth anything as it was in pretty bad shape but I’m taking it as a sign that things are looking up!

There was no yapping coming from next door all day and I was mostly left alone by Sandra, apart from a teary knock on the door when she got back from the vets. She tells me that both Custard’s back legs and pelvis are crushed and he’s going to need an operation or he’ll need to be put down. She said the operation costs £5,000, which she doesn’t have. I guess her bingo winnings won’t be able to cover that.

I must say I did feel a little guilty for a moment, but if she didn’t let Custard run wild and do whatever he wanted we wouldn’t be in this mess.

Thursday 19th April

Another fantastic day! There’s peace and quiet on our street now that that little beast is out of action. I even won a board game at the bingo! Cluedo I picked. I used to love that game as a kid.

I was in such a good mood I bought myself a second shandy and made small talk with some of the board members afterwards for a while.

When I got home I thought I’d have a little knock on Sandra’s door. I hadn’t seen her all day so assumed the news was bad. But you know what they say about assumptions, so I thought I should just double check to confirm before I got my hopes up. All is good though, she said she’s got no way of getting the 5 grand, and there’ll likely be a lot of aftercare which will cost up to another 5 so they’ll be putting the old boy down on Saturday. I gave her my condolences and started saying my goodbyes, but this spiteful hag, even in her moment of misery she still looks for ways to get one up on me. She gives me a Tupperware full of sausage and mash! Said that she made extra and that it’ll go off otherwise. I don’t know what kind of tactics of manipulation this is but it won’t work on me!

Friday 20th April

It’s fish and chips Friday today. I’d gone to the chippy this evening to collect my tea. On the way back I thought to myself, you know what this week's been such a lucky one for me, I’m going to celebrate with a full strength beer and a scratch card.

I picked them up from the off license on my way home. When I got home I sat down in front of the TV with my fish and chips. I scratched the squares off one by one. One gold bar… two gold bars. I scratched the last square… it was only another gold bar! I WON £20,000! I stood up so fast my fish and chips flew all over the lounge! But I didn’t care! There’s still chips everywhere now, I still can’t believe it! Someone’s looking out for me, there has to be. First Custard’s accident, then the stopwatch, winning Cluedo and now this. Unimaginable luck. So chuffed.

Saturday 21st April

I was thinking of all the ways to spend my money, a new metal detector, a nice holiday to Hastings, a gazebo for the garden, a whole family of gnomes, all of those things?

But in the back of my head I kept hearing this little voice, “What about Custard.”

Today was the big day, Sandra told me he’d be put down on Saturday if he couldn’t get his operation. But the more I thought about it the more I thought I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t take this opportunity to get the one up of all one ups over Sandra!

I needed to give Sandra the money she needed to get Custard the operation and after care! Think about how incensed she’d be, knowing that no matter what she did she’ll be indebted to me! All the sausage and mash or shandys wouldn’t mean a thing! I was beside myself on the way to tell her, I couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when she heard the news. When I got to the door she was already nearly in tears… but when I told her!

She took a second to register then jumped on me and gave me a big hug and started weeping all over me! She put in the performance of a life time I’ll tell you that. But deep down we both knew she was absolutely fuming about the whole thing.

The best thing was when I told her I was giving her 10 grand of my winnings; I said “You asked for 50/50 so here you go...” You needed sunglasses to be near me, the smugness was beaming out of me! She was absolutely speechless.

Sunday 22nd April

Custard had his operation yesterday and he’s still at the vets recovering so the road is still quiet. They’re giving him one of those doggy wheelchair things Sandra was telling me. I don’t think he’ll be going near Joshua or his new pals any time soon, but just incase I’ve bought an extra supply of extra hot chilli powder to scatter in my garden for when he’s home.