Worth It

Our relationship with ourselves is the key to forming healthy external relationships. The way we view ourselves is critical. It shapes how we view everything around us. If we see ourselves as an unworthy person, we will tolerate things that we shouldn't. We'll say yes to things that disobey our true selves. Although forming a loving and healthy relationship with ourselves, isn't a walk in the park. It is learning a whole different language.

I've struggled with loving myself for as long as I can remember. I've had moments where I do feel comfortable in my skin although not as much as I want too. I've been living my life on autopilot through the lenses of my past experiences. I know not everybody is out to harm me. Each person that has decided to walk with me, I'd eventually question it. At the time I didn't grasp the concept that I was loveable and why they've decided to walk with me. I've always been afraid to experience real pleasures. Not the type of pleasures that I sought through others or by filling my lungs with clouds. I wasn't living at all, I was trying to escape. I couldn't endure the thought of sitting with my thoughts without a distraction. I've made this blueprint of my self-beliefs as a child that I wasn't enough nor did deserve to be happy. I went and stuck that blueprint somewhere in my mind and went into hiding.

I've always felt like something was missing although I did not have the love within me to locate it. So then I seek it through from external entities. Growing up, I have always thought intimacy was just physical touching of skin to skin. I've never understood it. I've had experiences where someone could be touching every inch of my body but it wouldn't feel intimate. It felt like watching a distance aeroplane flying past. You can hear the noise but you don't know how it feels like being in that plane. So you just watch it till it disappears. Wild how that I can let a stranger stare at my naked body but I can't let anyone see the inside of me. I'm scared that if I open up they'll use it against me. That is something I've already done to myself and I can't bear hearing it from someone else. I always told myself; I wasn't enough nor beautiful. Why would anyone want me, when I didn't even want myself. I plastered a whole different version of me on the billboard. I was so fearful of being rejected by others. I rejected and shamed my true self into hiding.

After some reflecting and honesty, I found this desire and spark to live a life that I enjoy waking up to every single morning. I didn't want to escape anymore. I want to experience and explore every single inch of myself. I want to know my needs, wants and desires in-depth. My feet it itching for an adventure and learn the meaning of life. Because I am no longer comfortable living in my 'comfort zone'. I need and want to breath different scent of smells/air. Step on and feel another set of ground and grass. I want to finally live. This sudden spark found wasn't like enjoying a velvet cupcake. More like a long car ride, they will be times where it is fun and you're singing along to your favourite songs. Then there also times where your legs will cramp up and you will feel exhausted from driving. Which is normal, so you pull over and step outside and stretch. You'll look around and see where you are and admire the different environment you are in, realise how far you've come. This bubbling warmth of accomplishment starts fizzling within you. You tell yourself that this trip is going to be worth it.