Why Later?

Time goes by and all they heard were my silent cries. I lost my youth from dying inside. Let me tell you its not poetic or heroic. Its the raw truth of what i'm going through. To be a person... not just any person but a person who personally does not fit in well with others. A person scared of not being under the covers. A person who spent their life hiding. Hiding away so she may not face defeat all too soon. The point of it was to never but realistically speaking i still did and it was not a fun time. Nor ideal for me or anybody else to go and live through. The proper commotions file as a bunch located in one streak. Know what i mean? The issues concerning our hearts twist and pull at our peace making it hard to live at ease.

Saying that i need a fresh start might be very well a complete understatement. I don't just need a fresh start but I need to go back to day one with the knowledge i have at 22 years and escape the pressure, escape the fear, escape the confusion, escape the possibility of lost time, and escape the things that happened in my life that then returned self hate unto myself. Its all a reflection of why we stay or why we ever wish to leave earlier on. Its a true nuisance of a situation to be so caught up in your problems and your feelings that you almost collapse. Its scary. Scary to hold onto something that does not propose greatness into your life. When your problems and feelings overtake your life to the point where it creates a shadow so transparent to those around you. These people may notice but stay quiet which results in a 'being left lonely' type of result.

Being alone, being on your own and being lonely all fit into the category of things that need to be addressed to the major scale of those that feel that way let alone all and any of them. To be alone versus being on your own are quite similar but the difference is that everybody is on their own regardless of anything short coming or precious of being in a way. Meaning that no matter who you are, what you do, how great of a person you are or how not so great you are, you are always on your own due to the individuality of being a person. Bare with me here: when the phrase "its okay not to be okay" is said do they ever hear the part where "being not okay is an okay thing?" Because that is all i ever conclude from it. I mean when you're saying that to someone to counsel them or try to uplift them I can understand that in the smallest sense ever but speaking up from my life that, that phrase will always get an instant remark of disapproval from me.

Far and wide we all suffer to some extent or another and that is a gong show and a half because we do not need to suffer to enjoy life. Life on its own is the trip and we are the one's that do,we build, we invent, we make things happen, we destroy, and we either appreciate things or we handle life poorly in the means of hatefulness. Yes all of us; the people, we do that. We are the one's that interfere with or make good with, with what goes on during our time here on Earth. Its a magical place full of love, blessings, and non material wealth that should prove to the people of the world that love is all we need to survive. I'm not just talking sexually but emotionally and socially to the point where our people's don't feel alone anymore. To the extent where our voices are heard not just to the main one's in charge but to our fellow citizens, to our fellow friends across the sea, to our own self then on the rest of the human race. It must happen now! Not "soon" nor not "later"... NOW! Right now. Please.

I constantly ask "why later?" when right now is already happening and the confusion is starting to boil, the fear is being created, the pressure is on, time has been lost and can't be brought back, and the self hate is so high up on the list of reasons of why you wish to leave the world behind. Lets say you don't leave the world behind and live to be in your 80's. If you don't move forward and heal in your time being here nothing will get better and you will have reached a stage of disappointment and sadness at an old age. Does anyone actually feel those burdens their entire lives? Well, i'm here to tell all that it does not have to be that way. It never did either! In no way is suffering a "normal" or an "accepted" flaw in the industry of us. I call it the "industry of us" because we are an industry of beings who have high demands when it comes down to our needs and wants. With an even higher bargain at being a flaw because the flow of our respect gets diminished by others that plainly just do not care about the world or care about the issues outside of their inner lives.

Moving forward with my will to understand the depths of my past dispair i say maybe a fresh start is more than needed. Since its the beginning of feeling new more greater things. In ways a fresh start may be dangerous but I believe the matter of needing to start all over may hold danger even in that. Or maybe especially in that! A chance to undo my hurt and begin again. But this time with the knowledge of a woman who doesn't want to screw up this second round coming so she will not allow for her past mistakes to just be left as mistakes. Instead they were teaching lessons on how to understand getting better. A version of healing that many just do not ever get to reach because they believe its not possible to heal from their hurt side of life or they believe or feel insecure to the point where they feel they do not deserve to be someone that is "allowed" to cope healthily or to cope at all.

Personal Time: My birthday is soon after the new year, the fourth of January to be exact. So since three days prior to my birthday is when most people vow to change their life for the coming year or they vow to cut bad habits or begin new passions or whatever else they may please as they want to try something new to collect a more positive grasp on their life which i support 100% and will always do my deed to embrace and explore those things that most humans; myself included, need to be influenced to the grand extent where we see a change in our attitude, a change of behaviour, a change in the cycle of how we handle our lower days, and see the same change in our loved ones, forgive our enemies, and a quote by me:"Practise what you preach and preach what you practise." that way you're in a higher understanding of the state of your life. With less confusion, less fear, and less overwhelming feelings of hopelessness.

For me; i made a few new years resolutions that I intended to be a routine for me. I suck, I'm not used to stability. I'm not used to being 'forced' to participate in daily life. I'm a member of society but due to my self loathing plans I don't wish to be. That problem of mine right there is why i wish to go back to day one. To give warning to the old me that yeah things may be scary, things will be tough to face on our own, that hiding away won't make what we're hiding from go away, that nothing; no matter the situation, nothing in the world is powerful enough to allow us to or force us to react in any hateful, mean, rude or hurtful manors.

I wish to begin again. I vow to keep on being who I am. A young woman who receives strength throughout her attempts of letting the world know how great of a place we could exist in would be if only we allowed love to flourish its way through all lives and allow for the chances of healing to be brought into the light. There is no point in living in darkness. As we all know the moon shines in the dead of the night meaning even when there is darkness there is also light but also; even when there is light there is darkness but the darkness does not need to escalate its way to being the main idea of how powerful and dangerous the dark comes across as. Its not so scary... the dark I mean. What is scary would be the evil souls who use the night time into causing havoc and use the line of "well its late" when in a world i wish I'd exist in instead could have safety being prioritized and allow for people to roam the city especially by them self in the twilight hours. Since for me those times are my only chance to breathe and feel alive. To escape my sadness and appreciate life for what it is. That is something that I do not get enough of. I don't get enough of my way of feeling at ease because there are people out there during my peace time causing war. Causing fear to the people to the point its called the dead of the night because there is nothing nor enough people to make the city feel alive once again or at all. Which saddens me to great extents that are slightly unhealthy for my own mental health.

My goal is to forgive myself for not embracing these things sooner. For not addressing to the world our sufferings and to find ways to mend our pain. For me my will to influence people for a greater sake keeps me thriving and I will ensure that I make proper use of it all! That I bring out the best of myself and indeed do as i please and my pleasure is aimlessly brought out by doing good for the world. That I may be one to help not just with my own personal fresh start but for the fresh start many others are afraid to step into. I mean they must be afraid because what could be the reason of them continuously keeping someone away for striving for their own greatness?

Its a task and a half to set up a suitable lifestyle. To build it then to maintain it is tough but i believe it's subconsciously even worse to just allow life to go on when you yourself are not in a healthy living situation. No matter the limit of your problems high or low they still exist and affect you in ways many just seem to ignore, don't care about, or sit in the misery of it all and never try to step out of that uncomfortable zone and bask in the glory of living at ease. I want to live at ease but nothing in the current day society in which i reside in will allow me to comfortably make that move! Its quite unfortunate but I'm not going to waste away and take that shadow as an answer. I will keep on doing me because it has pushed me this far and I am close to being in a peaceful nature at all times. It is only the problems of the world that get to me but that is why I'm glad to be a creator on this site so that my ideas get shared and maybe do a little good for those lucky enough to find my stories.