Why I like rejection

The fear of rejection is universal. And from an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense: millions of years ago the world was filled with risks and dangers, and being rejected by other people meant that you were probably going to die.

Humans had to rely on social groups and bonds for such a long time, that it makes sense that we spend a lot of time trying to prevent rejection and protect our status in social groups.

But, fortunately, rejection isn't a death sentence anymore. And it might be beneficial to challenge your fear of rejection.

My first romantic rejection

I had my first boyfriend when I was 8 years old. He had lovely freckles, he could run really fast, and he had not one, but two Tamagotchis. It had been love at first sight. We spent a few blissful weeks together until he broke up with me because he fell in love with someone else (a girl from our class who could ride a unicycle — the competition was unfair).

Even though I was only 8 years old, I still remember being upset about it. Not because I had grown so attached to him in those weeks, but mostly because my ego was a bit bruised. Because he chose someone else over me (although he had a good reason for it).

It would take over 15 years until I got (romantically) rejected again. I did have relationships, of course, but I was always the one ending it. And I took a vague sense of pride in this. My ego didn’t have to endure anything, I was someone who people simply wouldn’t reject. That’s how nice and kind and funny and attractive I was!

I had to comfort my friends with chocolate, karaoke, and encouraging words from time to time, but I never really experienced this type of heartbreak myself. And I was under the impression that this was a good thing.

It took me a long time to realize that the fact that I never got rejected wasn’t because I was such a great person. It was just that I never gave anyone the opportunity to reject me.

On some level, I’d been so scared of rejection that I avoided any situation that could potentially lead to rejection. As soon as I picked up on any signals that people might not be that into me, I left.

This is when I realized that the frequency of your rejections doesn’t correlate with your value as a person. Everyone gets rejected. Even Jennifer Aniston got rejected. And everyone gets to reject other people, even people who smell weird and are mean to animals. What it does depend on, is the risks you’re willing to take. How often you allow yourself to be vulnerable. How often you allow yourself to be in a situation where you’ll potentially be rejected.

The amount of rejections you endure has no correlation with your value as a person. It’s correlated to the amount of risks you’re willing to take.

Actively pursuing rejection

From the moment I realized this, I started seeing rejection from a whole new perspective. Being rejected wasn’t something to be ashamed of, it was something to be proud of. Something you can wear as a badge of honor: look, I was willing to take a risk. I was willing to be vulnerable.

I realized it was absurd I never got romantically rejected. As an experiment, I decided to actively look for romantic rejection (or, at least, take big risks).

So I asked someone on a date.

This was someone I’d been having a crush on for years — and I also expected the feelings weren’t mutual. However, to my surprise, he said yes. We went on a date the same week.

I was very nervous — I’d never asked anyone out before (and I realized dating is a lot scarier when you’re not sure where the other person stands). We went to a bar, had a drink, and we talked about politics, our family, our jobs, penguins, and all the other stuff you talk about on dates.

After that, I didn’t hear from him again.

Of course, I could take this as rejection but instead, I decided to be ruthless about it. I asked him out again. This time he replied: Hi, I had a lot of fun, but I don’t think this is going to work out.

And there it was. Rejection. It stung a bit, of course, but not as much as I’d thought it would. I wrote back a simple message (Ok, no worries. Thanks for a fun evening!) and went on with my life. After a week or so, I stopped thinking about it.

Three reasons to not be afraid of rejection

So what did I take away from this experiment in rejection?

1. It’s worth it to put yourself out there

Even though the person I had a crush on didn’t want to go out with me again, he did say ‘yes’ the first time. We did go on a date. So it’s good to take a chance from time to time, people might surprise you (and some people might even want to go out with you again).

Who knows what opportunities you might miss if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable? As H. Jackson Brown said:

‘Opportunity dances with those already on the dancefloor.’

2. What doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger

Even though the rejection stung a bit, and my ego was a bit bruised, I don’t think the rejection had any lasting negative impact on me. If anything, I realized that rejection isn’t really something to be scared of. And it doesn’t necessarily need to hold you back, it can even motivate you to try harder.

This doesn’t just apply to romantic rejection, of course, rejection affects us in all areas of our life. According to science, there is truth to the saying: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Scientists at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management established a (causal) relationship between failure and future success. Dashun Wang, associate professor of management and organizations at Kellogg, argues that failure is more important than we might realize:

“It turns out that, historically, while we have been relatively successful in pinpointing the benefits of success, we have failed to understand the impact of failure.”

3. It’s a sign that you tried

Putting yourself out there, in the world, means you’re going to have to face rejection at some point. But that’s a good thing.

As I said before, maybe it’s time to start wearing rejection as a badge of honor. It’s not embarrassing to be rejected. It’s embarrassing never to be rejected. Even if it doesn’t lead to anything else, even if the rejection doesn’t motivate you, doesn’t make you stronger, doesn’t teach you any lessons — it’s still a sign that you tried. And that in itself is incredibly valuable.

In the famous words of Sylvia Plath:

‘I love my rejection slips. They show me I try.’

How to combat the fear of rejection

Of course, being aware of why rejection can actually be beneficial for you, doesn't automatically make it easy to stop being afraid of it. Because rejection was once a death sentence, our fear of it is very deep-rooted.

You've probably heard about the study that showed that people are more scared of public speaking than death itself: potential embarrassment is scary.

But like any other fear, the fear of rejection can be combatted by simply looking it in the eyes. The more you experience it, the easier it gets. So next time you might get rejected, decide to take it as an opportunity to practice in rejection.

If the rejection makes you feel nervous or embarrassed, that's okay. Just be proud of yourself for trying. As film producer Kevin Feige said:

'Rejection is a common occurrence. Learning that early and often will help you build up the tolerance and resistance to keep going and keep trying.'