Welcome to my heartbreak

What other words can describe what I feel, what I felt when you told me it was over. My whole world collapsed with your words, your kisses, and your touch. I deeply felt that my world was ending because of you, Maria. I put everything in this; my future, my life, my heart.

I recognize the height of your pedestal that deeply fell into the ocean, the ocean of my dreams, waving memories into the surface to the sand. You first told me it was my fault, but then you told me you had met someone else, Antonio, your friend.

Apparently, you have found loving arms, kinder lips, and a chest to lean; words that I will never forget.

My fault?

My absence. My work. My fate.

Now I comprehend perplexed.

Three weeks and I am still distressed, every single song reminds me of you, any tv show, any cup of coffee, at work, at home, in the eyes of our dog, even at night, I still wake up trying to understand my mistakes, my burdens, my decisions, my words, and my actions.

Last night I went to the lake just to remember our first date and our walk in the Stone Arch Bridge, and it was painful, as I decided to be. How can you tell your heart that you are not going to see that person anymore? Is it unrequited? Is this part of life? How can I deal with this anxiety that grows in my chest, pounds in my heart, leaving me breathless? How can I tell my mind that you are never coming back? In what moment all the love you feel for someone started to hurt so badly like it is poison? Like it is corrosive? When?

How can I tell myself that I will never hold your hands again, those hands that were always together on a Saturday night? This love is taking away everything, giving me storms of thoughts of the things that I did not do, and the things that I did do, but wrong.

So I went to that coffee shop across the street from your unfavorite restaurant and ordered a latte.

It started to rain, but; what else can happen to someone that does not feel anything?

You left me emotionless, or even worse, full of them.

The rain became stronger and painful; run Pablo, and I did, but then I heard the aggravated sound of a car horn and noticed an ample white light; I fell and lost control. I was trying to cross the street on a green light; the driver just saved my life alerting me.

Focus Pablo!, Come back to earth, and I did. I got up from the street and pace myself on a solitary bench, then I put my legs together and hugged them with my trembling arms, just to feel myself, my heat, my presence.

After a while, I looked to my left. There was a little black book laying around giving me company; it reminded me again that you were always carrying a journal around organizing your time and... stop Pablo, stop! I turned to the other side, nothing, just clouds, and cars, and more cars, and the line of the coffee shop just waiting for the rain to be over, and then, there it was again, that little black book telling me something.

I fearfully opened it. First page, blank, second-page, blank, third page, words, letters going backward, right to left instead of going left to right.

I noticed a small envelope in the middle of the journal, but I did not open it. I felt something with those unusual words; for instance, those words comprehended me; my life was a mess, like those paragraphs, my thoughts were going in the wrong direction, like those letters, and my feelings were crossing each other like that journal into my life. After a couple of seconds, my pounding heart announced to me that it was time for me to go, so I took it home with me.

A mirror, I need a mirror, Camilo our dog was staring at me in the bathroom like I was crazy, and I was.

Third page.

I still remember when you yelled it to my face,

-I do not love you anymore. I love someone else.

Your pedestal crushed into my world immediately, without any warning.

And at this very moment, is where I ask myself when this all happened? All these years, all these rollercoasters, everything has vanished into emptiness.

I always had this crazy idea of getting in love, somehow we are all a lonely moon, and then after meeting the sunlight, you shine, you glow.

The sun slowly starts to live within you, having the most beautiful love affair. Moon and sun living together, sharing moments, caring and loving each other, until one day; it disappears, giving us no more light, no more hugs, no more kisses, no more affection. The breathless moon is now meaningless, empty; here, you discover the loneliness again, and it is then where you feel the worst, like how I feel right now.

My chest feels pain, anxiety, and the emptiness of your universe in me; your pedestal left wounds that transformed into questions that slowly started to grow up in my mind:

-Am I enough?

-Was not enough?

-Is my love not worthy?

-Is he with someone else right now, touching him, kissing him?

-Am I going to love again?

-What did I do wrong?

-Is he the only sun?

-When will I stop thinking of him?

-When will it stop hurting me so badly?

-He never loved me?

-Maybe it was my fault, should I text him? or call him?

After days in my bed, overthinking, coping, and grieving, I realized that time is your best friend. Time heals definitely, but first, I needed to allow time in my life to let you out of it, to let my moon stop wanting more of your sunlight.

I had to understand that I am part of the universe as well, and that time will bring moments, people, and places to start healing.

I was denying my present tense wanting you so badly, but at last, I acknowledge that the only thing that I know and -will know- in my life is me, myself, and I.

My story is what I am doing for myself right now, living the moment because it will never (seriously) come back.

I learned that I was wasting my time overthinking about things that I will never know.

-Are you with someone else?

I do not know, and it is OK not to know.

-Is that person better than me?

-What does that person has that I do not?

I do not know and will never know, and it is acceptable to do so. I will stop repressing my feelings and start validating them but will not sink with them.

At last, this realization came out of me:

-I am enough for myself,

-I am worthy of love and affection.

-I understand my wounds and will let them heal.

-Will I ever find someone else? Yes, eventually.

-Tomorrow? Maybe in ten days? Months?

Have no idea, but when that time happens; I will be brave enough to comprehend my feelings, my moon, and the new sun; and when the sunlight hits the absence, always remember another day will come.

PS: During my relationship with … him. We always made plans to travel or to buy a house, a niche for us. Something special you know,

Paris?

San Miguel de Allende?

Ireland?

We never saved money for it, he never talked about that, but I always bought lottery tickets in secret, every Sunday.

The thing is that I never checked them, I was always scared of the outcome (as a matter of fact, that is part of my healing process as well), so you, my only audience, the human being on the other side of my little black book, if you find my journal with an envelope you are safe and sound to go to your nearest gas station or whatever, and please feel free to check them, maybe, this can be a new beginning for you as well.

With all my gratitude,

I.

The tiny envelope dropped from the journal, discovering the lottery tickets. I stopped reading it; the first thing I saw was Camilo staring at me, perplexed. All those words resonated in my mind, I was the moon, she was the sun, but another day will come. The lack of her sunlight hurt me in many ways, but the only thing that I could do was live for myself and eventually, heal.

After the cold winter, the cold spring arrived in Minnesota, somehow my heart was warming up, days were days, and nights were nights, my chest was fine, and my thoughts were calm, I still think of her, but not as much, I believe in myself, and that is enough.

I went to the gas station, I had the little envelope with me, maybe it is time to finish this.

I checked the first one, nothing.

Second one, nothing.

Until the last one made the lottery machine sound and blink, announcing I have won 20,000 dollars.

My heart was pounding very fast, I then realized an old lady was clapping next to me with a small kid copying her.

To be honest, I felt guilty; in some way, it was not mine; it is someone else’s fate. I looked at the little black book again and checked for any clues, I needed to find I.

After searching over and over again, I looked at the back of the journal and saw something engraved:

MANDALA GALLERY

BY I. HERNANDEZ.

41 ST. N.

Minneapolis, MN. 54321

I drove all the way there; a lovely neighborhood started to show up outside my window, my GPS stopped me in front of a gallery. Mandala Gallery. I parked in front of the exquisite building; a stairway was waiting for me, along with a beautiful garden of chrysanthemums, peonies, and coneflowers. The gallery was closed, but I heard music and someone trying to sing LA NOCHE DE ANOCHE of Rosalia and Bad Bunny, she was singing bad, so bad. I laughed and knocked on the crystal door a couple of times until the music stopped.

-I will be there in a sec.

-It is fine I replied.

She opened the door, and I recognized her. It was the girl in Antonio's pictures; Maria was always showing me her art.. but I never thought.

-Ines?

-Ahhh, yes. Do I know you? She answered, confused.

-No, you do not, the thing is that my… well, my ex-girlfriend turns out to be friends of your, wait.. ex-boyfriend I think?; She always showed me your paintings and portraits.

I started to laugh so hard.

She was getting worried or angry.

-What is it so funny? Did I miss the joke?

I connected the dots.

-The thing is that well, where do I begin? My ex girlfriend broke up with me, because of.. well, she started a relationship with Antonio, which I assume was your…

-I am starting to feel a little bit scared of you, so I will ask you to leave.

It was then that I took off the little black book and showed it to her.

-No way! She said, smiling, connecting the dots as well.

-You got it!

-And guess what? You won 20,000 dollars! I answered immediately.

We both laughed hard, super hard.

After our long session of laughter, she invited me to a cup of coffee.

I could not deny it.

-Well, she said while pouring coffee in my cup, it is always time for new beginnings.

-Always, I replied.

That is when I realized how true it was, I saw her smiling, and suddenly the sun was back.

-10 and 10? she said.

-Deal, I replied… feeling something in my chest.

She smiled, Ines smiled.