We are so Busy Thinking about ourselves, we Forget who we are

My dear friend, a multiple Ph.D., has been such an inspiration. He has changed the way I think. He has shown me how to allow myself to be who I truly am. It has not been an easy journey, and as this journey continues, it will not be any less complicated. I am, however, profoundly appreciative, and grateful to know him.

We are so busy thinking about ourselves that we forget who we are. What I mean by this is that we are continually thinking about how to avoid the things we are fearful of; communication, honest dialogue, that we become someone who we are not. Think of the child who speaks their mind. It is honest and from the heart. There is no fear until it is taught to us by society and parents.

When we avoid what we call confrontation or altercation, not to be confused with physical altercation or arguing, we are, in essence, allowing the problem of others' faulty thinking to perpetuate. In others, we are contributors to the very problem that we are trying to avoid.

As an example of this, I had sent an email requesting a faculty member to be on my dissertation committee. Several weeks went by without a reply. I was conflicted and felt terrible that I received no answer at all. The lack of response caused me great stress as I was stuck and unable to move forward in my dissertation process. Yet, instead of sending an email or calling and explaining that this person's inappropriate behavior, lack of response, had caused me great sadness and turmoil, I sent an email practically apologizing for having burdened this person by asking them to be on my committee. I was letting them off the hook for their inappropriate behavior.

Previously, I had received no reply for weeks regarding my important request for assistance, but suddenly I received a very speedy response that acknowledged this person was extremely busy and had no time for dissertations. But that they support my work.

At first, I was relieved. I thought this is great as now I could move on. Yet, after a conversation with my dear friend, I was enlightened that there was no acknowledgment of lack of response, no apology for making me wait and putting me in a stressful situation. Their job as faculty is, at a minimum is that of being promptly responsive.

Their reply, however, was not my only enlightenment. I realized that I allowed, I perpetuated this lazy response. I never told them that I was in turmoil due to their nonreply. I never said, hey, you have not replied, and I expected more from you. I essentially took the responsibility off them and carried it myself. My complacency allowed the power difference, and I chose to be powerless, and this person may not even be aware of what they have done. I failed! I created this situation by avoiding the confrontation. I did a disservice to myself and other students who may have the same issue in the future because I did not make this faculty aware of the effects of their behavior.

My actions, or lack of, were out of fear. But fear of what? The worst-case scenario would be that this person became angered at me. Has society programed me in such a way that we feel the need to lie to make someone feel good? Are we to burden other's faults so we avoid making what some would consider a scene? In doing so, I was not true to myself. And I did a disservice to this person as well.

Those in the bottom end of the power position tend to bow to those in power. We are fearful of rejection, of being wrong, of feeling stupid. Nothing in the power struggle will kill us, so why do we fear? Those without power must stand up to those in power to shift the power to a balance because we are the ones that allow this power difference to exist.

It is important there is understanding that I am not referring to fighting, yelling, or arguing. I am referring to dialogue and conversation. This is not about anger; it is about letting others understand how their behavior has affected you when their actions have caused an injustice.

I write this so that others may learn from my mistakes in life. My passive nature has allowed the perpetuation of the very behavior I detest. My own behavior has put me on the weaker side of the power difference. This is my doing. I cannot blame anyone else. I chose my position and I complain about it. Is this not what some would call insane?

This journey is one that will last a lifetime, and my hopes are that someone, even just one person can understand my stance and learn that they can choose to be as they are, or they can choose to regain their power and become their true self. Do not think so much that you forget who you are. A friend once told me, by restrictions, a Master proclaims himself. Remove society's restrictions and think differently.

I will not live as long as others. If I do, my health will be very poor as well as my mind. LIVE LIFE NOW!!