Vulnerability

I’m writing this while in the bath, after a melt down cry. Which is something I never thought I would post to the internet. A photo of me, on the verge of tears. BUT, that’s vulnerability. And I know that a lot of people would never even consider showing that side of them to the world, but I look at it as my way to connect and open the door for conversations.

Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Although I was raised with a “suck it up and move on” mentality, I’ve always been very in tune with my emotions. But for so long I’ve just been so afraid to expose that part of me. I felt like my feelings were never made valid. Which lead me to being so closed off for many many years. But I’ve recently discovered the power of vulnerability.

One of my favorite authors Brené Brown, has a Ted Talk called “The Power of Vulnerability”. I highly recommend watching it. She talks about how vulnerability allows people to be seen and understood. A feeling that we all crave deep inside.

My first step towards getting vulnerable began with therapy. It was uncomfortable at first, telling a stranger my deepest secrets and failures. But through that uncomfortable feeling, I was able to find healthy ways of expression and was able to process my emotions more clearly. Then became the trauma healing and more inner work. Which as I’ve said before is not pretty. But once you make it to the other side of that scary process, it’s a world of difference.

I wasn’t broken anymore. Now, was everything fixed?

No. Life still happens. We still experience pain and hurt all throughout our lives even after we’ve healed ourselves from past traumas. And I’m in no way insinuating that I’ve completed my healing journey, I’m just at the point where I’m comfortable enough to speak about it. I’ve experienced some of the most uncomfortable seasons of my life this last year. In being so uncomfortable, I had no choice but to grow through it. As my best friend, and previously mentioned twin flame always tells me, You have to get uncomfortable to grow.

You have become comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable.

And in that process I found my voice. I found that in speaking my truth, which is an unpleasant feeling at times, allows me to be heard. And even when the person on the other end doesn’t completely understand my feelings, I’m being heard. And that’s enough for me. In most other cases though, I’ve felt more understood than ever before, and have actually fixed relationships with the people in my life and worked through situations just by being vulnerable.

Once I was able to get a grip on my own emotions, I’ve been able to stay calm in situations of terror and uncertainty, and share what I’ve learned with the people closest to me and help them heal parts of themselves and also work through the tragedies we’ve experienced together recently.

That would not have happened if I hadn’t become comfortable with the idea of becoming vulnerable. I embraced it, and it has strengthened my relationships. A lot of us resist this feeling, because we have been made to beleive that vulnerability is a weakness. But it’s the complete opposite of that, it allows us to expose a softer side of ourselves that is hidden by our defenses. Our reasons for avoiding this are deeply personal and specific to our own unique experiences which often tie back to very early stages of our lives. Which is why healing your inner child is such an important step to growth.

I grew up in a very rejecting and neglectful household. Now, I’m not saying my mother didn’t love me, she does very very much. But she also has her own traumas that have shaped the way she is, and her mother the same, and her mother the same. The difference with me, is that I’m breaking these generational curses so that I don’t project my insecurities onto the people around me. I’m inviting these feelings and emotions to be shown on my surface, call it wearing my heart on my sleeve if you wish.

And I know, this is absolutely terrifying to some of you. But there’s a positive in it. We resist vulnerability because we’re listening to a voice that’s telling us we shouldn’t be open, but that’s actually denying the people close to us by not allowing them to fully know us. It’s about being honest with how we feel, about our fears, about what we need. Vulnerability is like the glue that bonds intimate relationships.

Part of my reasoning behind starting this blog, is to become even more vulnerable. In doing this, I believe that it will reach the audience that needs it. It will resonate with someone, somewhere. I’m starting conversations, that are sometimes hard to have. And that gives me purpose.

Having the courage to talk, has made me feel physically and emotionally lighter.

I hope you can do the same for yourself.