Trial and error....but like a CRAP ton of error.

This title basically explains my 36 years of life I've lived so far. Ever since I can remember...I'm talking grade school, my life has been in a constant state of change and transition. Yes, I know that basically what life is, change is constant. It's the one thing you can't escape. Nothing is permanent. Not even this life itself. My life is a bit more turbulent than most though. I have rebuilt my home and life over and over again it seems. I made so many mistakes, and I made them very young. I was in my first marriage by 18 years old and having my first child at 19. Since then I have been married a total of three times and also divorced a total of three times. PATTERNS. It's something I'm trying to change, and its the reason I'm writing this.

At 36 years old I feel like I have lived more than a few lifetimes. Changed jobs, changed homes, changed husbands, and I can't even count how many times in between it all I have changed my hair color! Where most people long and hope for some excitement in life or maybe a change in the mundane. I'm the opposite. I long for a long stint of time where I'm just completely content....I'd even take bored at this point. LOL. The number one thing I have always wanted in my life....well besides REAL love is peace. A sense of security. To not have to worry. To not have to feel like I have to carry it all. Even though sometimes this is something I fight. I'm overly independent. It's my early adulthood trauma that made me that way, so it isn't without good reason that I refuse to let people do a lot of things for me, that I am the WORST at asking for help, and that I refuse to share even a bank account with someone because I need the security of knowing anything I have worked for won't be taken from me again. These are all things I'm actively working on changing or at least compromising within myself. It's hard to let go of control when you've been screwed over more than once.

A few months ago after my latest divorce and moving into my newest place to start my life over once again things started to rattle me a little harder than they normally do. I started to study myself. All my bad habits and the things that I do to cope with things. One of those things that slowly got out of my control and snuck up on me was drinking. It had become more and more, little by little. I decided to let that crutch go. I knew it would be hard but I didn't know it would keep leading me down roads where I'm rearranging my whole life and future HOPEFULLY for the last time. REBUILD. Once again I am having to do just that. I am an expert at rebuilding though. Like I said I've had to do it many times. I've been in worse situations than I am now. Honestly, it's not even that bad compared to a few times in my past. I've had to sleep in my car, shitty hotels, hell.....I've had to vacate a premises once and had only 48 hours to find another home. for me and kids. Somehow, I'm sure by the grace of God I did it. I've been in situations in my past that I no longer even speak about. Things I choose to put out of my head. Lately that has been harder to do without my alcohol buffer. I'm 35 days sober today. A little over a month. I thought it'd be easier by now, but it's not. I'm having to face feelings I didn't have to before, memories, and heal my "inner child" but I'm having to do that raw. Without any kind of numbing substances, and I feel EVERYTHING. Something that is not comfortable for me. It's painful and it hurts to even think about some things when thoughts or memories pass through my so very alert, awake, and sober brain. I'm wide awake. No longer asleep. Some days to be honest....I really just wanna take a brain nap.

During my last split with my ex I was left in a real bind. He left me a year into our marriage, right before quarantine hit, and went straight to his new girlfriends home who he was seeing behind my back. She was a trainee at his job and 10 years younger than me. It's turned out to be the biggest blessing for me but at the time I was blinded by fear and just completely overwhelmed. He left me high and dry when he was paying half of all of the house hold bills. We were supposed to be a team. I had no idea how me and the kids were gonna survive. I suddenly....once again, had to take on the whole burden right when I thought I could relax and breathe. Silly me. My life. But this one swept the rug right from under me. I wasn't expecting it. I had gotten comfortable. I thought our vows meant something. So....I slowly gathered what I had left of my pride and clawed my way back up. Financially, I knew I needed more money. I had to act. I had to do it quick before I lost it all. That's when I started my OnlyFans. It seemed to be the trend and a lot of other girls I knew where doing it. I have always been big into social media and Facebook. It's always been my playground. I've gained a decent following over the years for my outrageous posts, memes, and of course my skating on the thin ice with Zuckerberg "community standards" selfies. I've been pretty shameless, sometimes ruthless, but always real on my socials. Whether I was a sinner or a saint that day I was always throwing it out there and they both were and are very real sides to me. So I said what the hell, why not? I've always been a risk taker and I love to try new things. Push myself and push the limits even if I end up falling on my face. I have many times. I'm sure I will again. So, I started my OnlyFans in December of 2020 and it took off like I never thought it would. I had more than doubled my income within a few weeks. It was smooth sailing from then on out. I was gravy. My bills were paid. I could do what I wanted and I was able to move into this apartment I'm typing this in now without an issue of the money not being there. Once I moved I slowly....with situations and circumstances still changing around me constantly started to take a deeper look within my soul. I started to "soul search" so to speak, and I still am. BUT.....I made an abrupt decision to stop drinking. Once I stopped drinking I realized it was almost impossible to want to throw out content like I was before on my OnlyFans. With the alcohol buffer I could get through it with no issue. Now I realized I didn't even want to do it anymore. It's not even something I'm sure I ever wanted to do. Do I regret it? HELL NO. It was something I needed at the time to help me financially and to boost my self esteem back up after I was disposed of....walked out on....and treated like garbage by someone I thought I was going to be with forever. Thank God for some unanswered prayers because him leaving was just the beginning of what I believe is actually supposed to be my life and for once I'm on the right path and in the right place at the right time. It's leading me to finding a peaceful life. One I can enjoy and do what I love. One where I'm taking steps to turn my hobbies into my career and be a Mom my kids can be proud of. So I decided I was going to quit OnlyFans as my second abrupt decision. Kinda a scary move when that's what brings in more than half of my current income. This is something that I KNOW is the right decision for me though. I thank God for that platform being there when I needed it but I have outgrown it and I can't put something out there that isn't authentic. My heart is not into it. It's hurting me more than helping me because it makes me want to drink. It's a trigger for me. So today when my lights shut off for late payment, I sat there in the dark for more than a few moments before calling them and working out payment. Instead of complete fear washing over me a wave of peace did instead. I know I am making the right decision. I feel it in my heart, soul, and gut. A voice inside of me has never spoke louder when it said "KEEP GOING." ...."This is progress."......."You are becoming the woman you've always wanted to be. You are becoming the woman of your dreams. Don't abandon her." Any other day I would have gone straight to the liquor store....into the Fireball freezer and bought two sleeves then start drinking until I couldn't feel anymore. Not this time.

I know the path I have decided to take, the decisions I'm making for myself right now are going to continue to affect me. It's not going to be easy. But nothing easy is worth having even though that sounds cheesy...I think it is very truthful. One of my passions has always been writing. When I still had the hope and dream of college right after I got out of high school, and shortly before having to drop out because I found out I was pregnant, my minor was Journalism. I love to read, write, and also podcasts are my newest "journalistic" addiction. I just love to hear peoples stories. The struggles they went through. The ones things that changed them and made them who they are. I'm all about motivating, encouraging,listening, and healing. I know my dream career and somewhere I would flourish would be in the industry of helping people. My mother is a nurse. I wish I could be one but I've always been squeamish and will pass out at the sight of blood or any situation too traumatic at that. I don't have the stomach for it. I think I would make a great therapist or counselor. People usually open up to me easily and sometimes without having to pry and barely knowing them. I've heard the words "I don't know why I just told you my life story because I barely know you. But you are really easy to talk to." more than a few times. I've heard it a lot. This is what makes me happy. I want to do something good for people. I want to help people. This is where I would thrive. I'm slowly figuring out how this is going to be incorporated into my current goals and be my end game. But first I have to figure myself out and help myself. I am of no help to anyone if I am still broken inside. I've already started the process and I'm getting stronger everyday. So while things are falling and going haywire around me I am just going to let it be. I won't let worry and uncertainty bring me back to something I don't want to do and cause me to drift further from my goals. For once even though things are still shaky, rocky, and turbulent at this time of transition, I feel like I am headed in the absolute right direction. I don't know what is waiting for me on the other side but I am going to fight to make it there. Telling my story along the way to finding myself and my peace is something I feel I have to incorporate in the journey. It's the "Shea" thing to do. That's why I decided to share it here. I hope by doing so I can help someone along their way, encourage those who have lost their way, or even just get some encouragement myself for the days ahead that I know are not going to be easy.......but completely WORTH IT.