Trauma Series - Shadow Work

Many times in our lives we find ourselves lost. We feel like we’ve lost a sense of self, our sense of purpose, and the spark and passion for life. You’re not alone. I just went through this myself and it was not the first time that I have experienced this. It most likely wont be the last, although I think I would like it to be!

Have you ever just woken up and you realize you’re just doing the same things over and over, day in and day out? You’re kind of bored, maybe you feel broken, or you’re just down and out tired of life! When will things change?! When will THIS thing end?! Why do I keep doing this stupid thing that I hate about myself but I can’t stop doing it?!

Oh yeah, I’ve been there. I feel you. So, we’ve established we feel reeaaaallly awful. Now what do we do about it?

First of all, stop being so hard on yourself. (This is much easier said than done…we will discuss more below.) Second of all, what is that thing you keep doing over and over that you actually hate about yourself but can’t stop doing? Write it down.

Now write down why it is that the thing you keep doing is important.

Example: My father ran a very successful company alongside my mother. My mother also kept our home spotless and it literally was so clean it looked like no one even lived there. I was being extremely hard on myself that I couldn’t keep up with everything! Working a full time job, trying to be successful at this part time self owned business I started, making enough time for my relationship, taking the dogs out, taking the trash out, the dishes, the laundry, finances, budgeting, did we get groceries? It’s a lot! I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself to be successful in my self owned business and trying to fill the shoes that my father left behind. I was also putting unnecessary pressure on myself to fill my mothers shoes in keeping a perfectly tidy house all while juggling full time work, my business, and trying to keep my sanity. Spoiler Alert! Those shoes aren’t mine and they were never going to fit. I have my own shoes to wear.

So, write that thing down that you keep doing that you hate about yourself. Are there always dirty dishes in the sink? Do the kids always get picked up from school late? What is it that you’re struggling to do and no matter how hard you try, you just cannot get it to work out. Write those things down, every single one of them.

Now write down why they’re important and where that idea came from. Why does it bother you when there is a dirty dish in the sink? Is it because your mother or father never had dirty dishes in the sink? What does it mean if you DO have a dirty dish in the sink? Do you feel like a failure? Why?

Now ask yourself if what you just wrote is realistic. Is it realistic to never have a dirty dish in the sink? Is it realistic that you’ll never be late picking up the kiddos? And is it realistic that you’re a complete FAILURE AT LIFE if these things happen?

Probably not. What does success mean to you? What does it look like in your home and in your career? What does it feel like in your relationships?

What does failure look like? What does failure feel like?

Where did these ideals come from? Are they realistic?

When you can begin to acknowledge your behaviors and patterns that drive you crazy, you can sit with them. Instead of hating on them, invite them to the damn dinner table and get to know them. Why do you hate them? Can you work with them? Or do they just really need to go all together because they were never even meant for you in the first place?

This my friends, is called Shadow Work - Going within and looking at the part about ourselves that we hate the most but that affect on a day to day basis to the point of driving us to what feels like insanity and finally lost hope. Inviting in that thing we hate about ourselves, sitting with it, getting to know it and then making friends with it because we finally understand where the hell it came from is an integral part of Shadow Work. From there, we can ask ourselves what it is we actually need. We can forgive ourselves and stop being so hard on us & start taking steps to do the things we actually WANT! This takes work, but baby steps lead to boss moves. Stop hating on yourself. Instead of getting down on yourself because, damnit you did it again, start making a list of when you’ve done that behavior or pattern.

Example: I forgave myself for pushing myself so hard to be something that was never for me. I was never going to be my parents, ever, no matter how hard I tried. I’m supposed to be myself! So what did I need, what did I want, and what would make me feel better? Organizing my space - so that certain things can be on the counter where I like to see them, but it’s still “put away” and organized. This created a peace of mind. Cleaning Regularly and Not Beating Myself Up for Not Cleaning - I decided on a cleaning schedule for the house. I’d make a list for my partner to do and I’d do the other things. If I was too tired to complete them that day, I didn’t stress about it. This was a realistic way to feel I have control over my household while allowing the flexibility my mind needs to not beat myself up! I noted when I did these things and others! - “I did the laundry today & I even went for a walk"!” I would tell my significant other at home. Instead of the continuous chatter of “Oh I didn’t do this, this needs to get done, I have to finish that”, it changes your mind chatter to something more positive, making you feel more fulfilled.

February has been the month of self love & self care.

Complete some:

Shadow Work

Create Positive Mind Chatter

Making a New Self Care Routine (This could be making coffee, taking 5 minutes to go outside, a skin care routine, writing, etc.)

Forgive Yourself

Figure Out Where YOUR Shoes Are

Maintaining a Soul Care Routine (This could be meditating, reiki, yoga, massage, energy healing, getting a reading, sitting with spirit, something for your SOUL)

Life is too short to let it pass you by, while doing the same thing over and over & hating yourself for it. Create a whole new life for yourself, it’s easier than you think!