The Paradigm Of Negativity

I am sure that we have all heard the phrase, “you’re too negative”, or “you’re such a negative Nancy” … and questions like “is the glass half full or half empty?” as a means to identify negativity within an individual.

Not uncommon, been around for ages.

However, recently I saw something that changed the way I see these phrases and how we interact with them.

My niece and her stepfather have always locked horns.

While they were cleaning in the yard over the course of about an hour, he would not stop picking at her and bothering her about her attitude. Over time, a positive family activity quickly deteriorated… but what some might say seemed like “character building” pestering from the stepfather, didn’t look like any kind of positive growth for the child.

*It was rather frustrating as a bi-stander...

With "character building experiences", I understand that struggle and hard work tend to be a milestone for self-improvement. This idea of learning through adversity isn’t unheard of.

The issue is that the method of ‘character building’ put in place here, just seemed to exclude a parent's ownership of their own negative behaviors and encourage MORE problematic behaviors within the child...

This becomes a situation where a child cannot say, "can you lay off already? or get off my back!" without serious risk of further backlash. The child usually has to just take it, or shove it down emotionally and try to move on. If they cry, dad will tease them even more for being 'a cry-baby'!

Often this nurtures the cycle of rebellion and dislikeable behaviors, passive aggressive or full on aggression.

You just can’t fight fire with fire. It doesn’t work!

This was difficult to watch because it was all so painfully obvious...

But stepdad doesn’t see his contributions.His negative attitude made her's!

He wasn't interested in hearing any of that.

***side note: This can always become an opportunity for learning! Smart kids don't get to practice these skills, because they aren't given enough credit, or given enough room to try and fail.

Parents dismiss it before they've attempted to move into self discovery.

How can she have the opportunity to learn if everyone acts like, "she is the problem", or she isn't smart enough to complete the task... and as far as she has seen, the only people who get what they want in life act out, boss everyone around like a bully, and throw a fit until they get the thing they demanded.

OF COURSE that’s how she is going to behave! She doesn't know any different because you haven't given her the chance to see anything like diplomacy, negotiations or compromise, let alone an actually healthy double sided discussion! If you get mad when she is quiet and tight lipped and get mad when she says too much, there is no safe space for her to work through it! So, you as a parent need to find a new way to create one.

Kid's will always mirror the behaviors of people THEY view as successful.

The formula for them is simple:

behavior or action= get what I want.

They aren't paying attention to if something is positive or negative if the person is their hero. They just have a goal in mind!

But you as 'the adult' teach them how to build these conclusions for success.

*This is also why parents who project their failed dreams onto their child, hurt them so much more in the long run, and 'feel heartbroken' when the child chooses their own path!

I couldn't seem to stop reflecting on the subject...

Sadly this whole thing was easy to apply to a grander cultural scale…

Our world is changing so break-neck fast, that we can barely keep our heads on straight. Especially with regards to behavior and how to interact with our ever changing world. Social media on top, makes it even more confusing. Progressive Ideologies are spreading quickly, but parents haven’t yet been equipped with the tools to help their kids work through them appropriately. *(Old school parents and new school kids, are a conflict as old as time itself.)

In addition, our current adults were raised on the razor’s edge of two very different ways of thinking! Either, toughen the kid up with a sturdy upbringing, so that they won’t be soft… or be so gentle with them that they never get hurt, feel pain, or really have any experiences that haven't been wrapped in a bow or spoon-fed to them.

Each extreme, whether the method is positive or negative, always seems to nurture rebellion of some kind. It doesn't seem to matter how you are raised, everyone still needs to go through the journey of self discovery.

It is just a part of growing up.

***(Rebellion is not the problem … the journey to self-discovery requires exploration. That also means they need to be unafraid; willing to fail and get up and try again.

But for parents, where is the line?

Will you encourage that exploration in a safe space you created, or do you want your kids to follow you blindly without question, no matter what, because you 'said so'?

I would like to think that for a growing child this is more about an exercise in intelligence and not a battle of wills.)

Back to this negativity problem!

As the generations have moved forward, the development of the anti-negativity campaign has cultivated another kind of extreme culture: the refusal of negativity’s existence, or avoiding participating with negative things or emotions at all.

Younger adults seem to have been so over exposed to the “quit being so negative” idea, that it has just become another way to alienate an individual… despite Western Culture’s efforts to embrace more progressive ways of thinking.

This includes, meme’s and inspirational quotes like, “get your negative S*** away from me”, and “positive vibes only”. They have built up this perspective that all things that are negative have no place at all, and we will not interact with them.

The idea that people ARE definitively bad because you observed an uncomfortable part of the human experience through them, seems to be arbitrary and unfair.

Sadly, It takes about two seconds to google and find a list of what is deemed negative or find “Negative people” definitions …

"They are worriers, they are private and secretive, they have “thin skin”, they don’t try new things, they are under achievers? "

This was only a small example from the very first google search… but it is just another identifier… another label. Another pronoun created based on features of someone’s mental state as a means to Categorize an individual as good or bad. An attempt at social organization that usually results in alienation…

Too often it generalizes aspects of mental health issues, cleverly disguised as character traits.... which makes this system way too vague to be objective or accurate.

*** It's morphed into discrimination about someone’s mental state. Which is silly because we are moving in and out of moods so frequently.

(We know that someone who is sad all the time can be exhausting, but if you live in this way of thinking, optimism is not an appropriate means of entitlement)… maybe the sad person is working through tough stuff, or a problem in their life persists daily with few solutions, and they just need a hug!...

The difficult thing is that the intolerance of ‘negativity’ doesn’t give people moving through negative things, room to grow and move past it. It dismisses them before they have finished the process.

(That's like throwing a tree away, because it grew sideways instead of up, rather than providing support for it to grow upright... they still have room to grow, even if their growth was not what you'd call normal. )

There is a huge amount of healing that needs to be done, and it shouldn’t be done alone.

***I need to clarify, this doesn't excuse your responsibility to your actions. Don't misread me. Actions have consequences. This does not exempt people who hurt others, nor mean they shouldn't be held accountable. This just means everyone needs to own their S*** and stop blaming others for their bad behavior.

I’m not sure why… but we can’t seem to separate the person from the idea that 'the bad emotion makes them bad'.

Emotions, Actions, and Reactions are all different, but people don't know how to separate them from an individual... which quickly moves into a dangerous place of “They are this, because...” and opinions become the creation of facts... (this isn't how facts work)…

“negative attitudes of chronically unhappy people”

“how to deal with negative people”

“remove negative people from your life”

"Is your loved one toxic?"

It is no wonder we misunderstand it so frequently! The source material just needs to be more about exploration and less definitive.

Here is the thing...

Our natural state is not defined as positive or negative, but this intolerance to negative things has created the misunderstanding...

You are in the middle of experiencing positive and negative all the time. The bi-products of emotions should not "make you" Optimistic or Pessimistic. Our experience of emotion is more like, an element or tool giving us a chance to become Constructive, or Destructive.

*(This means you are still responsible for your actions, but it is now less about Blame or labeling and more about your choices and Actions)

Understanding this relationship between cause and effect, is important because you know you affect others. They affect you. You choose to self destruct, or to self improve.

(no one is perfect, life isn’t simple. The reflection of our character has many parts that change and move over time, but that time is not static or complete.)

For most people, in order to work through these negative emotional experiences you have to interact with it.

You have to be willing to try.

Back to this stepfather and stepdaughter relationship…

I would like to pose a question:

Is my niece a negative person?

OR is she simply a person, in the process of moving through an experience?

Should we be so bold as to assume someone is the sum of their experiences, if in fact their life is not yet complete?

Life doesn’t work that way, so why would we ever think that a person is so definitive?

People are constantly moving through all kinds of experiences, no matter their age. A child is just merely at the beginning of their experiences and still have tons to learn.

Those experiences are what encourage the constructive self-improvement, or the need to self-destruct.

You are not positive. You are not negative. You are just you.

You are not defined by your mother, or your father, or siblings, or spouse/partner, or your children, or your boss, or friends.

They may affect you, but they do not DEFINE YOU!

***I know this perspective is subjective… but your perspective will always affect how you respond to the people in your life, and how they deal with you.

Whether it be in a positive way, or a negative one… you are the common variable, as a part of your social ecosystem, your existence affects it.

If people are willing to communicate their feelings, and learn to be willing to listen to what the other person has to say openly without judgement, this is where we will begin to see progress. It is difficult, but we have to be able to put ourselves aside in order to attempt objective thinking...It's about taking a step back...

Often times, we have decided how we are going to respond before we even get there. Ie: a person can often be decidedly in a place of anger, before you brought them to the outburst, because that anger was waiting for an opening.

So that extra time that we can try to take is important. Your willingness to slow down to observe the whole scene is important.

Let’s go back to situation with the niece…

If stepdad, was willing to go to places that he doesn’t necessarily like on a personal level, or just slow down and ask:

“What’s going on with you, kiddo? Can you talk to me about what you are feeling right now?

or...

How do you think we can work on this together?

What's the solution to this particular problem? Can we brainstorm?”

Rather than dismissing her behavior as her, “being negative” and ending the conversation…It moves the effort into a place for her to explore her feelings in a positive way.

*Her attitude has nothing to do with anyone's ego and she doesn't have to feel shame or blame, because she no longer feels like she is the problematic THING.

She then has the opportunity to take responsibility and ownership of her constructive growth personally (she didn't need you permission, but your confidence in her is important for her to believe in herself and her abilities to reach the goal!)...

If she can express herself openly, without being afraid of him judging her feelings, or risking backlash for being honest. Then she has the ability to become more confident to express herself in more appropriate ways everywhere in life. Not just for her parents. Her motivations will become about self-interest and not about self-preservation!

Her parents might even see her experience some positive changes while she is working through some of those negative emotions, despite the discomfort.

At the same time, they might also nurture her ability to handle future problems with a lot more skill, and she will then be able to pass on that trait to her own children someday.

She won’t run the risk of learning how to treat others poorly simply because they are what she was told is 'negative', nor will she treat others better only because they are 'positive'… It becomes less about social currency and transactions, and sets aside the idea of positive reinforcement...

She will learn to treat everyone with respect because she understands constructive behavior, and that it is not a means of entitlement.

Furthering her understanding that she is no better or worse than anyone else!

Personal Conclusion

I know that this can be a lot to unpack…I tried to make sense of this rant as best as I could. This was largely based on personal experiences. I greatly empathize with my niece and her situation, because of my own childhood... It took a long time for me to conquer understanding this way of thinking.

Thankfully, It was just another avenue on the road to self discovery!

Maybe I will learn new things, or discover something that I agree with that contradicts what I am learning now. This is about learning freely.

Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is perfect all at once. Everything takes time and patience. It is about the little baby steps and trying to move in a positive direction within a constructive means of action.

The goal is about continuing to move forward.

Reference: Google search- examples of negative people

https://www.google.com/search?q=examples+of+negative+people&rlz=1C1CHZL_enCA742CA742&oq=examples+of+negative+people&aqs=chrome..69i57.10840j1j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8