The One Thing That’s Both Infuriating and Inspiring

Have you ever had someone cancel on you at the last minute?

You’re eager, swelling anticipation of their arrival suddenly gets burst by their piercing change of plans.

It’s enraging!

Completely uncalled for. Disrespectful. Dismissive. Rude. And not to mention pathetic!

Well, maybe I’m being a bit exaggerative, but these were all the thoughts that went through my head when a friend recently sent the ‘ol, “I’m so sorry but…” message minutes after confirming she was going to be on her way soon.

I mean, I had just finished preparing the darn charcuterie board! The epitome of well-prepared, presentable hospitality.

Prior to that, I obsessively cleaned the apartment, squeezed a supermarket run into my jam-packed schedule, re-arranged a pre-existing meeting, and made sure to purchase foods and drinks aligned to my friend’s preferred tastes.

Upon receiving the upsetting text, I immediately began pacing my kitchen, ranting about her unacceptable behavior to my boyfriend and going on about how lame her excuse was.

She said she was tired and needed time to pack for her big trip the next morning.

I needed time to cool off.

After an outdoor walk, impromptu date night, and new plans to share all the food with nearby friends the next day,

I began to surrender to the simple fact that life went on and presented other possibilities for peaceful joy in an ever-unfolding present.

My friend reached out again and emphasized how terrible she felt about her lack of follow-through. She referenced her recent illness and mentioned that her husband unexpectedly got sick as well.

I thought about her guilt-ridden apology in reference to larger life reflections I’ve been having and realized the whole scenario was an illustration of restrictive conditioning I’m trying to change.

I got wrapped up in my go-to identity as a people-pleaser, which society has defined as ‘good girl’ behavior.

Sure, there are various factors at play – and it’s likely fine and purely human – to get excited then disappointed when plans fall through with a friend. But I think it’s worth further unpacking the emotions involved because little experiences like this can carry over to bigger beliefs we have about our obligations and identities in life.

My efforts to go above and beyond to be the perfect host weren’t just spur of the moment actions, they were learned pursuits stringing my self-worth to a gendered history of serving others.

Through preparing delicious food and an aesthetic place to dine in, I was upholding the role of the nurturing housewife – a charade I was taught by my mother and grandmother and countless media depictions over time.

This lovely host act may be fine to keep, but what’s not fine is the all too often sacrificial way in which it’s done – going to an extreme extent to alter or dismiss pre-existing routines, obligations and self-care in order to create the ideal circumstance for someone else. As much as I’d like to say my radical adjustments to attend to my friend’s visit was a rare occasion, I have to admit I do this for other people far too much!

So this brings me back to my friend’s part in all of this. Yes, it would have been better if she told me earlier on she wasn’t going to come.

Yet her reluctance to say no to my invitation upfront also exemplifies women’s ingrained concern about letting others down!

I witnessed this again the other day when a few female friends uneasily deferred to some reasons they may not be able to join a dinner outing we were inviting them to. Their shaky replies were immediately met with earnest solution-oriented responses, which further flustered them. I quietly reassured them it was ok if they didn’t want to take part, but a voice inside me wanted to yell out, “Just say no thank you and stand firmly behind your choice!”

As much as I may be peeved by a refusal, I’m also impressed!

I want friendships – and relationships in general – to be safe spaces where we all feel comfortable to communicate our needs unapologetically.

I want women – myself included – to feel confident tapping into what’s best for us and to courageously claim our stance, even if that means disgruntling others at times.

Let’s let go of the guilt, the assumed responsibility, and the commitments costing us our peace.

It’s exhausting and constantly straining our integrity.

I know it’s difficult to speak up and turn down tempting offers. But it’s a necessary practice to live in more alignment.

So let’s try – again and again – until our trembling considerations transform into calm, unwavering decisions, free from the fears of others fates.