The Light in the Cracks

Excuse me for starting by using 'I' in my article. Even though I talk about myself, this is a journey of self-talking for everyone who reads it. It’s the curse that hit all—that’s why 'all' is 'one' here, and 'I' means 'we.’

And here is where it all begins—the journey of the perfectionism curse.

The Curse of Perfectionism—no wonder I call it that way, and here’s why: I see the shortcoming in everything, self-doubt always haunts me, and my endless quest for perfection drains me.

Every time someone tells me that everything is amazing, I can't shake the feeling that I am still not satisfied. I don’t know why, but I always feel like something is missing.

For example, I put in a lot of effort to do something great; everyone congratulated me, but I couldn’t stop obsessing over the tiny details where I felt I had let myself down.

I made a mistake and became like an ostrich, burying my head in the sand because of the overwhelming feeling of shame.

However, I won't tell you how many times I backed off from doing something because of my fear of failing and facing that shameful feeling again.

It's like I'm in the middle of the circle, with everyone staring and pointing at me.

I really don't know if these are attempts to satisfy myself or others! It's a question we have to pause on and think about, surely.

This question came from my realization that perfectionism may stem from childhood, from our strong desire to win our parents' approval and our fear of failure, which is strengthened by scolding or even the silent look of disappointment that says, 'You didn’t meet my expectations'.

Or perhaps the reason was behind the way we hosted strange guests and the advance warnings that everything had to be 'perfect'—the home, our appearances, and even our actions—a list of behaviors we must show, even if we weren't this way already. It's like wearing the cloak of perfection as if we hadn't been like that before.

Of course, I will not forget the society we live in now, and maybe social media is the biggest reason that shows us a world filled with fake perfection.

Just five minutes of scrolling, and you’ll come across tons of reels portraying a perfect image of an ideal life that you feel doesn’t belong to this picture. You'll see people who are better, prettier, and more successful than you, and maybe their lives seem better than yours.

That’s when you start feeling resentful of your own reality. Everyone tells you not to compare yourself to others, and I agree with them. But can you tell a drug addict to sit amid drugs without taking anything from them?

Even if, deep down, you know everything is fake, and even if the people on social media admit it, do you think your mind will trust what you know and lie about what it sees? It’s just foolish!

While the reasons behind these feelings might be different, it's clear that no one can deny that they are universal feelings, felt by everyone throughout history, though to different degrees.

And the question I have now: Is this a real enemy or a friend of growth? I don't know anymore.

Perfection vs. Shame

The term for these feelings exists, but few people talk about them. Maybe it’s because it’s shameful to talk about shame! We tend to focus on discussing positive feelings, but doesn’t talking about the opposite mean negating its existence?

Have you ever thought that perfection and shame are connected?

Keep in mind, that the more we strive for perfection, the more we face shame, fear of it, limited actions, and an increased risk of depression.

Despite all that, what if I told you that I'm truly grateful for the feelings of perfectionism and shame I once had? In a way, they were like a cure that turned into the spark that ignited my journey with just a simple line.

I know, maybe you'll say I'm crazy or talking nonsense, but he is my friend—the one I changed his name from perfection to 'strive for better'—the better of my current version, not my perfect version. The friend I turned into a reason to achieve more, not a killer of what I've already achieved.

The difference in state (from) this (to) that, came from understanding the simple line between perfection and the better I strive to achieve. I changed my self-talk (from) 'I’ve failed' (to) 'great attempts' – I did my best, and I’ll keep trying.

The simple line is what you’ve already told yourself; this line will move you from one state to another.

I found this line at the harshest, and perhaps the most fitting, moment of my life. Let me briefly explain what I mean.

At that time, I was a workaholic, constantly working on myself and striving to achieve more. I had big plans to fulfill many of my dreams, and I worked hard for them.

Unfortunately, everything collapsed miserably due to 'fateful reasons' beyond my control. I lost everything and became pitiful in the eyes of many.

I remember their words very well: 'We feel sorry for you,' and 'Look at what happened to her after everything she did.' I fell into depression and isolated myself in my room for over a year.

I convinced myself that I simply wanted to be alone and didn’t want to be around people. But eventually, I accepted that the real reason for my escape was the overwhelming shame I felt.

Let me tell you, confessing wasn't easy, and it took time. But believe me, once cruel acceptance happens—no matter how painful—it sparks everything that follows.

I brushed off the dust that had settled on my shoulders in my room and made my decision to change the course of my story. Indeed, my attempts began.

My first step was, surely, trying to accept my feelings, my fear, and all the situations I couldn’t embrace, and then trying to overcome them.

Without acceptance, all solutions are fake because they come from a distorted source within you.

It is always said, 'Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.' Maybe my reaction to past situations, which made me feel unworthy—or more accurately, ashamed—led to an emotional resistance known as perfectionism.

Now that I understand it, I no longer want to see myself as tied to absolute perfectionism. It’s enough for me to see myself as I truly deserve—as someone who is worthy and deserving.

To honestly wrap up what I began, I will never claim to be perfect with you, nor will I tell you that it's extremely easy. My journey in understanding these feelings, accepting, and transforming them wasn’t easy.

The transformation— 'from' this 'to' that—is a life-changing path that requires a lot of strength, and I’m still trying, even though the crux of the matter starts with trying and making the conscious decision of who you want to be.

This is exactly the turning point 'from' striving to be worthy 'to' realizing that I am already worthy.

I read a great book on this topic called 'The Gifts of Imperfection' by the brilliant writer Brené Brown. She discussed the concept of shame and perfectionism, which we often strive for.

It was an outstanding book, and what made it even better was that it spoke in a personal, realistic way—not with the idealistic tone like others. You might notice its influence in my words.

The author named the process of transformation "the revolution".

She said: “Revolution might sound a little dramatic, but in this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You’re going to confuse, piss off, and terrify lots of people—including yourself.

One minute you’ll pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute you’ll pray that it never ends. You’ll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least that’s how I feel most of the time … brave, afraid, and very, very alive“.

Here's how things have become now:

When I do something with all my heart, the ghost of perfectionism haunts me, and self-doubt creeps in. I look back to the starting line as proof of how many steps I’ve taken, and I congratulate myself, saying, 'You did all you could.'

'From' where you start 'to' where you reach is proof of what you’ve accomplished.

And when I fail, I tell myself, 'Great job, you did your best.' I take a deep breath and a short break. The next morning, I get up from my bed and start over, saying, 'The time has come to start again, my friend. So, what would you like to fix next time?'

'From' failure 'to' starting again is proof of your strength to correct your path.

’From’ the first word ‘to’ the last line in your current chapter, this is the whole story that has made you who you are now.

The last message :

Perfection is not a total enemy, but it becomes dangerous when it prevents us from moving forward or enjoying our lives. Perfection is not demanded, and no real human is free from shortcomings. Our flaws are part of our essence as human beings, and they will be a blessing when we learn how to embrace and deal with them.

“There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in“.