The Gratitude of Knowing (and Loving) Myself

This past year has been a doozy but the dramatic changes and increased isolation gave me time and space to reflect on who I am and how I want to move forward.

Growing up, I kept to myself a lot, preferring to read over just about anything else. Because of this, I was often saddled with the description of being shy, and I dutifully carried that baggage for years.

As I got older, I heard introvert too, but was well aware that both descriptions implied something negative. A lack. Not outgoing enough. Not fun enough. Not enough, period.

I kept thinking if I tried really hard, I could turn myself into the person that all the noise around me said I was supposed to be. My inner voice knew better, but I didn't listen to her.

As a child, this meant feeling like a weirdo for not wanting to do things other kids seemed to enjoy. Why didn’t I want to go outside and play all day instead of stay inside and read? Why did big crowded places make me so uncomfortable?

My parents joke about taking me to the circus. Every kid loves the circus, right? Not me. The noise, the smells, and the commotion overwhelmed me and we left soon after we arrived.

To this day, I can’t shop at stores like Costco.

As a teen who had just moved to a new high school in a new state, I worked really hard to appear “normal” like the popular kids and often used self-deprecating humor to fit in. Luckily I didn’t veer into drugs and alcohol to be one of the cool kids, but I often felt like a phony.

I didn’t feel shy or like an outcast at a party, but I always felt different from most of the people around me and couldn’t put my finger on it other than that there was something wrong with me.

Reading The Introvert Advantage: How Quiet People Can Thrive in an Extrovert World, by Marti Olsen Laney, was a game changer.

It wasn't until reading Laney's book a few years ago that I fully understood the definitions of introvert and extrovert. You know those books where you feel like someone has been inside your head? This was one of those for me. Her words resonated deeply and provided me with enough lightbulb moments to decorate a Christmas tree.

My biggest Aha! moment: the introvert-extrovert scale is about what you need to restore your energy.

In a nutshell, to refill their tanks, introverts require quiet time away from people, and extroverts need the energy that people and activities provide. There are extremes on the scale and every combination in between but her words explained why I didn't feel shy but being an introvert was spot on.

Questions I've had all my life about "why am I this way?" were being answered in the best way.

I now viewed being an introvert as a strength and had the tools I needed to better navigate the world around me. Far from feeling like something was wrong with me, I finally felt understood and happy to be the way I am. Not the shy girl at the party but the one who chooses to sit back and observe. Not the woman scrambling up a rock-climbing wall to let off steam, but the one who is restored with a pot of Darjeeling, a good book, and a journal. Suddenly, so much about my life and relationships made sense and I decided to stop apologizing for being me.

The only person who gets to decide the best version of you, is you.

No matter where you fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum, the social distancing brought on by COVID-19 has shaken things up in ways we couldn't have anticipated. As we impatiently wait for things to return to some semblance of normal, we can also be grateful for the time of self-reflection the past year has imposed. As you think about your ambitions, passions, and strengths, tap into what energizes you and follow that path, for nothing is as restrictive as the limits we put on ourselves.

"To thine own self be true." ~ William Shakespeare

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