The Goddess In Me

Dearest self,

I know that you don’t feel strong right now. I know you feel broken beyond repair. Like bits and pieces of you have wound up in corners of the house covered in cobwebs and you can’t possibly put them back together. But they are not. You are whole and mighty and strong just as you have always been. You are a fierce warrior woman, and I love you. I love you, and I am so sorry for the things you have been through. I am sorry but also, I am proud. I write this letter, so you realize just how strong you are because I know you don’t always see it. I hope when you feel lost, you can re-read and re-read this until your eyes are too tired to move them across the page so that you can remember just how far you have come.

I remember when you were molested. You were so young. You had the smallest toes and the biggest brown eyes. You were so innocent and fragile and perfect, and I am so sorry for what happened to you. I wish I could swallow it up whole and make the trauma fade into the background like a bad memory. But I can’t, and somehow you still have never let this moment define you. You rose like a phoenix and cultivated in you an unextinguishable flame. You should not have gone through that, but you did, and your bravery in it leaves me in awe

Then there was your Dad. His abusive was incomprehensible. He raped your mother. He hurt her and he was the man God made to protect you. He exposed himself to you, he betrayed you. You wanted to run, you wanted to hide, but did you cower? No, you protected yourself and your mother like it was your birthright. You held your little body up to him like a human shield. You are a warrior, a goddess. You are full of divine energy and love.

Then there were the children in school that bullied you. There really was no safe place for you was there? Whenever you went, you were on a battlefield. The other children used words like they were weapons. They mocked you. They tried to make you so small they didn’t have to see you anymore. They told you you didn’t belong. But you did not cower. You did not hide who you were or waiver in the divine child that you were made to be. You continued to be you, and that was just about the bravest and most beautiful thing you could have done.

Then there was your mental health. The depression was like a wave of black tar crashing over you. You wanted to die. Everything in your body told you there was a better place than this. You heard whispers and coo’s that told you there was a place with no suffering. They told you that there was a place filled with cherry trees and everything smelled of begonias. And as the ropes, the knives, and the pills called you and lured you in; you made it through to the other side. You kept living, and I’m so proud of you for that.

Just when you thought you were turning a curve, you found out you were really sick. You found out you had been really sick for a long time, ten years to be exact. It had felt like something was eating you from the inside out. You didn’t feel like you lived in your own body anymore, and you hated it, but you fought to love yourself. You fought to heal yourself. You went through four surgeries and came out stronger and healthier. God Heather, do you realize you did that?

And then you lost your Dad. This was truly a moment where divinity passed through you and come out through your heart and your tears. You showed up and lamented for a man that for 29 years had tortured your soul. You went and saw the room he died in, crawling with maggots, despair, and missed opportunity. You walked through your darkest memories and fears and were alright when you reached the other side.

I know right now your depression is back. I know all of the tears and thoughts of suicide make you feel like you are weak. But they are proof that you are strong. Stronger than you may ever know. I am so sorry for all of the things that have avalanched over you in this life. Somehow you have kept dancing, just keep dancing. I know you hurt, I can’t take that away, but I can tell you that you will get through this, just like you always have. You will get through and rise above because you are a woman, you are a warrior goddess, you are Heather Lillian.

Sincerely you