The Girl With Small Expectations

"If I plan for the worst, I won't be surprised when it happens; or I will be happy if something the tiniest bit better happens."

A quote I lived by for almost 20 years. I swore to myself that I would never get my hopes up again, because the heartbreak it caused was gut-wrenching. I had been let down by my parents, my friends, teachers, coaches, etc. But most of all, I felt as if I was let down by God. I had grown up being told that He would always take care of me, and He wanted me to be happy. Although, one time after another, I was let down. From birthdays, to Christmas, simply to weekends off school, I felt as if I never had a good day.

It had gotten to the point that if I had a good start to my day, I would become overly anxious about the bad "thing" that was to come. Majority of the time, it did. Each time I would tell myself to expect the worst so I would not be shocked when it happened, but it still hurt just as bad. This was hard to deal with as a Christian. I was supposed to enjoy my life and trust God to handle all things. John 12:25 ESV - "Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." I didn't want to live this life out forever, but how was I supposed to love it?

I would pour my heart out to the people closest to me, but they couldn't tell me anything that helped. I would cry out to God to make me stronger, but I still fell back into the same slop. All I ever thought about was how bad every situation was, and I still find myself beginning that insanity. The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. And that is exactly what I was doing. I was constantly focusing on the bad parts of my life and hoping for something good to happen. Although I lied to myself and told myself that I did not expect anything. No matter what we say, we always dream up an expectation, especially women.

Once I came to accept this, I began searching for ways to make myself feel better when I get let down. I was raised in church, so when I heard this message it felt as if I had heard it a million times, but was just now listening to it.

Psalm 118:24 NIV - "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I must remind myself first thing each morning to rejoice in the fact that I have another day of life to spend with the people I care about the most. I've found that placing these verses in a direct line of sight had helped the most.

Nehemiah 8:10 NIV - "Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.'"

I have been immensely blessed to have food and drink of my choice each day, there are many without. The Lord has provided me strength through feeding me. When I do not receive the present I asked for, or if I upset someone I love--I'm still receiving a gift, and I still have someone to love. Not everyone has these luxuries.

Many times as people we take things for granted, especially the small things. Even when we have bad days, we have to find joy in the smallest things. Waking up is a gift, having food is a gift, having clothes is a gift, and the list goes on. In times like these, it is crucial that we find joy and thanks in the ability to have a job, put even the smallest amounts of gas in our vehicles, and have food.

While this is not an easy job to do every day, I look to God to help me search for the light in my life. And I pray you will as well.

John 1:5 NIV - "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

James 1:17 NIV - "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."