The Girl's A Tryer

When I was four years old, a man asked me a question and watched me struggle to find the answer. I went from page to page and thought to thought, humming and hawing, before, finally, I gave him the best answer that I could come up with.

He looked to my mother, smiled, and said something that I have never forgotten. He said of me:

"Yep. That girl's a tryer.”

For years after that, whenever he would see me try to find an answer or do something difficult, he would say of me, "she's a tryer."

This man became so much more to me than my Bible teacher and elder. He became more to me than my own father or grandfather. He was my friend, my teacher, and the first positive male influence in my life. I love him for everything he was for me, but the thing that brings tears to my eyes when I think of him is the confidence that he showed in me.

I love this man for seeing something in me that was better than any physical feature or success. This man saw my spirit. He saw my strengths and my weaknesses, and he saw that I was not going to just give up. I have spent my life exhausted. I have woken up every day and wanted to let the light extinguish, but something inside just refused to lie back down and roll over, and he knew what it was all those years ago. I love that man for not only giving me the words to describe the best thing about myself, but, especially, for seeing that beautiful strength within me, and I have spent the last thirty years trying to live up to that observation he made so long ago.

I've always been a massive Star Wars fan, and any others like me out there will also have heard the famous saying by Yoda:

"Do or do not. There is no try."

Well, no offense to Yoda, but I have always hated this saying. I hate how many people quote it back to me, and I hate the implication that if we really try, we will be successful.

That's not life, and if it has been your experience, then please, share some of that good (entitlement) fortune that life has blessed you with! If you are in the group who agree with Yoda on this point...

Let me tell you something:

Sometimes, all we can do is Try.

Sometimes, Trying takes everything we have.

Sometimes, we should see through the failures and the mistakes and see what a person's spirit is.

Sometimes, we should praise and rejoice when all a person can do is Try.

There were so many things that I've tried to do over the years. I was successful in some areas and failed miserably in others. Still, throughout my lifetime of failures and disappointments, I can honestly say that I have never stopped trying.

For many, this would not be enough. For myself, many times, this was not enough. Yet, I have always remembered that dear man's words. I have always remembered that he saw something inside of me that it took me almost three decades to understand about myself. He saw a fighter!

Throughout my life, I have tried to do many things:

• I tried as a child to endure my father’s abuse without becoming filled with bitter hate and resentment. I tried...

• Later in life, I tried to find forgiveness in my heart for the man who had failed to live up to the name, "dad." I'm still trying...

• I tried to hold on to my innocence and joy as I helped my mother pay the bills before I was in my teens. I tried...

• I tried to live up to her strength and wisdom that she imparted unto us every day. I tried to be kind and grateful as my mother moved us around the country, keeping us safe from our father. I'm still trying...

• I tried to still have fun in high school while working four jobs and volunteering in teaching others about the Bible without compromising my G.P.A. I tried, and I did!

• I tried to keep going in college and not disappoint those who expected more of their Valedictorian. Twenty years later, I'm still trying...

• I tried to be present and helpful when my mother fought her cancer and spent a year in and out of hospitals. I tried to help my sister take care of her, while still holding on to my own sanity and continue in my studies. I tried...

• I tried to get back to school and work and life like normal after my mother beat her cancer. Tried to be grateful that life went on. But what is normal, anyway. Fifteen years later, I'm still trying...

• We got back to our jobs - each of us contributing and trying. I worked my way up at PetSmart and tried to let my love of the animals outweigh my hatred of the politics that were involved behind the scenes. I tried to become the best Starbucks’ barista I could be. I tried to be a Coffee Master. I tried to be a Shift Supervisor. I tried to be a role model and leader. I tried to move up. I tried to fight the unfairness and inequity of a workplace that was suffocating me and my fellow baristas. I tried to be the light. I was their “mama Lena,” their guide and their leader. But I couldn’t defeat the inequities any longer. I tried, but I went to work every day with a fake smile on my face, and bitterness in my heart. I tried to gather up my courage and strength so that I could finally quit the job I had grown to hate. I tried. Then, the Pandemic hit. I tried to convince myself that I could work and keep my family safe, but, finally, after over a decade of trying to keep my soul while in service to the green apron, I stopped trying, and I quit!

• During the Pandemic that placed masks over the face of the world, I tried to keep my spirits up while locked inside of the house. I tried to feed my family nourishment, both spiritual and physical. I tried to hold on to my humanity while surrounded with people who felt their own freedom outweighed the safety of their neighbors, family and friends. I tried to not let bitterness and resentment grow inside my heart again as I observed so many dying while so many more screamed to the rooftops that their freedom was more important than those lives lost. I tried not to become a hermit, a shut in. I tried to not let my lifelong fight against social phobia and depression win while stuck within these four walls of the house that I hate and that grows steadily messier. I tried to want to be a part of the world again once vaccinated. I'm still trying...

• I tried to lose weight and be healthy. I tried to like what I see in the mirror. I tried to keep life orderly, beautiful, and simple. I tried to be the best I could every second of the day. I tried...

• I tried to go back to school. I tried to pick up the pen again like I had decades before. I tried to write. I tried to share my heart and soul with those who care to know just a little more about myself and the words of wisdom I might have to impart. I tried to share love and joy. I'm still trying...

• I tried to be a good friend, sister, daughter, wife, writer, pet parent, student, worker, employee, boss, leader, role model, and human. I tried, and I will always keep trying...

*** Throughout my life, I have had various successes at the things I have tried to do, but one thing has always remained constant:

I have never stopped trying.

For most of my life, I failed to see the fighter's spirit inside of myself that he saw all those years ago, and even now, I doubt my strength most of the time.

Still, because of the faith that he showed in me all those years ago, I have had the strength to keep trying.

So, for my fellow Star Wars fans out there, I say this:

Yoda may have been the Jedi Master, but my Bible teacher was far wiser. Instead of "do or do not. There is no try," Yoda should have said:

"Do or do not. Just keep trying!"

I know not in what other ways I will or will not be successful in this life, but I do know this:

My friend, my teacher, my brother, my grandfather -- he called me “a tryer,” and I will keep trying my whole life to honor his words.

I will try.

***

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