The Flood

Waiting for the storm to pass, the water slowly slips through the cracks in the basement floor.

It was always my intention to fix them, but I never got around to it. I wonder how many other things I have left to "get around to" that are waiting for a flood like this one.

***

It feels as if I am full of cracks in the floor, broken down cars on cinderblocks, half-written scripts, sweaters without sleeves, and "tomorrows." Things that I'll complete...eventually.

Seemingly, unfinished work means failure. It has always felt as such. This half-truth has been engrained in me for as long as I can remember. Simply put, if you didn't finish an essay, you would get a big zero.

Frankly, this has primarily been beneficial. I have a strong sense of self-motivation and the drive to complete a task. Some may call this academic validation that has trickled down into my post-academia life.

But the thing is, I don't love change. The change that may come upon completion.

Notoriously, it is a struggle when something shifts. Sleep dwindles, anxiety increases, and my thoughts feel never-ending. Perhaps I'm dramatizing a bit, but the point stands. Change is consuming.

So much so that when I see the cracks in the floor or the car on cinderblocks, I am greeted by the same familiar thought: this is something I still need to complete, something I am still working towards, something that is consistent. It is almost a relief.

Because what happens when it's finished? What if everything changes? Or worse, what if nothing does? What if it's the same on the other side? What if the light at the end of the tunnel is the same light I'm seeing now?

Should I fear completion?

***

No...definitely not. I stand by the phrase, "If you never try, you'll never know," so why are my thoughts contradicting? And why is this simple concept so complicated? Well, because we are complicated. We are constantly contradicting ourselves because each day we are changing, growing.

It's about finding the balance.

Finding the self-motivation to work towards something without worrying about the often uncontrollable outcome.

It's enjoying the consistency of working towards something without letting the slow process feel like a failure.

It's understanding that not completing one thing doesn't mean not completing everything. Sometimes, understanding when to let go is the most noble decision of all.

***

Above all, it's accepting myself as my own work-in-progress. Because that's really what I'm projecting, aren't I? Finding the comfort in myself to be imperfect.

As is everything in life, it is easier said than done. It is easier to come up with analogies for my thoughts than to work through them specifically. Things would be very different in this world if you did what you said and said what you meant. But it's all a part of the journey of finding your full-truth.

And if I check back in a month and the sweater still doesn't have sleeves, it is what it is; because to dissolve the expectations is a step towards feeling more free. If it does have sleeves, also great. Either way, it's just a sweater.