The Cautionary "Don't"

Don’t do this and don’t do that.

We all grew up listening to our parents, teachers, siblings, friends, and even strangers telling us, “Don’t . . .”. Such a seemingly innocuous word with such a hefty amount of cautionary weight hanging from its ankles.

Being the youngest of six, I heard the cautionary don’t a lot. Don’t run out into the street. Don’t leave food on your plate. Don’t squirm in the pew at church. Don’t say something mean out loud. Don’t hit your sister. Don’t tell on your brother. Don’t lie, cheat, or steal. Don’t say anything mean or controversial (in other words: stifle yourself).

Add to this litany of don’ts a goodly dose of church lore (read: guilt), and I was utterly indoctrinated. I was a sucker for “The Cautionary Don’t.” When someone said it, I trusted and I believed. If someone said, “Don’t fill-in-the-blank or you’re going straight to the devil, I listened. With eyes wide open.

The Concept of Don’t stamped its mark on my brain and on my heart. It set me up for the relationships that would warp and twist my sense of self into that of being a Pleaser – even if doing so meant me sacrificing being true to myself. If I managed to please, I wouldn’t become a target for Don’t. I could waft through life as a vapor and remain invisible to the repercussions of cutting across the grain.

All of this Don’t Culture was just killing me. I found myself consistently getting involved in gaslighting relationships. I accepted the daily outcome of having my feelings, thoughts, and opinions reflected back to me in ways that always had me doubting and berating myself.

Don’t be so jealous. Don’t be so insecure. Don’t be so stifling. Don’t hold me back. Don’t be so responsible all of the time. Don’t be so uptight. Don’t be you.

Sometimes the Universe hands you the Gift of One Day. There was this One Day when I realized that I could actually recognize and acknowledge that I had had Enough of all the don'ts. It was like the angels around me started singing a new tune: “You’ve had Enough. You're okay. Go forward in peace and grow.”

It turns out that there is a quantifiable and measurable aspect of being on the receiving end of so much criticism and gaslighting and abuse. Who knew?

It was as if the proverbial light bulb blinked on with a fizz and a sputter. I think that this must be the definition of a divine epiphany. I realized that I didn’t have to put up with any of it any longer. I could get out. I could. I had options.

I started to plan. I made long lists in a spiralbound notebook of all that I anticipated would need to happen for me to make my exit. My escape. In the ways of prayer, positive intending, planning, and an act of God, Kismet stepped in and offered me an opportunity from two complete strangers to house sit in an idyllic setting for the winter. I didn’t even know these people, but they had heard that I was a reliable, responsible person who might need a winter respite.

After I moved into my housesitting situation, life events started to snap in place like LEGO with such synchronicity that I knew I was on the right path. I established myself in a supportive community. I made new friends. I found meaningful work. I bought an old beater truck (that ran!) for $200. And I walked away from it all: the relationship; the house and car that were paid for in full; all of my clothes, books, writing, journals, photo albums, and assorted other belongings . . . all that made up my life that was "then."

The life that I had been building – and that was crushing me – was gone. Behind me. Through the course of that winter of healing, I removed the rearview mirror on my life and only looked ahead. I was done. I felt positively liberated.

If you are feeling that you are in a similar situation, know that there is a positive flip side to the Culture of Don’t:

• Don’t stop believing.
• Don’t stop dreaming.
• Don’t stop making lists.
• Don’t stop putting good energy out there.
• Don’t stop making friends.
• Don’t stop laughing.
• Don’t take yourself too seriously.
• Don’t allow anyone to ever gaslight you again.
• Don’t put up with $h!t.
• Don’t look back.
• Don't lose yourself.

Don’t give up. Never. Just don’t.