The Art of Releasing Expectation

How many times have we gone into a situation with an expectation, only to discover how very wrong we were? Walking into a job that you expect to be straight forward, and discovering it is very convoluted. Walking into a date with the expectation that it will go well, only to have it tank horribly. Expecting your sports team to win, your tax return to be high, and life in general to be something comprehensible. We have all heard the pessimist's argument, "I expect the worst, so when it doesn't happen I am pleasantly surprised. I don't think this is the right approach either. I want to explore what I mean when I say "expect nothing" and how this approach has helped me in my personal, and professional life.

The Pessimist Takes It Too Far

While I do chuckle every time some one says, "hope for the best and expect the worst." I don't actually think that it is particularly good advice. Now I know there is a lot of woo-filled-mumbo-jumbo about the power of intention and how "putting it out into the universe" can help you achieve something, and while I don't subscribe to that particular brand of thinking, there is some scientific evidence to back that what you expect to happen can shape how things do happen. If you expect to fail, you will on a subconscious level self-sabotage until you do. The same could be said for success. But there are somethings that on either side of the coin are out of our control.

For example, if I flip a coin I can want it to be tails, expect it to be tails, but the laws of gravity, physics, and probability don't give a damn about my expectation and are outside variables beyond the scope of my expectation. So holding the expectation in one direction or the other does nothing to influence the outcome. However if I remove the expectation and know that it will go one way or the other, and am prepared to deal with either outcome, I will likely be alright either way the coin falls.

When Dealing with Relationships, You Hurt Yourself, and Them

If you enter into a relationship with another person expecting that they will be everything you have ever wanted, you will quickly discover all their short comings and find yourself reacting in a way that is perhaps out of proportion. For example, if I expect that my girlfriend will take me on a date that is amazing for me, and then she takes me to do something I have no interest in, I am missing the point. I will spend the entire night sulky about how the night didn't live up to my expectation, and maybe miss that she was trying to share something she is passionate about with me. If remove the lens of expectation, and take the evening at face value, as an opportunity to learn something about her, then I will gain far more.

This can also be applied to sexual partners. If you go over to someone you are interested in's house and expect the evening will culminate in your coupling, and then it turns out they really did just want to watch Netflix, and hang out with you, you are putting yourself and them at a disadvantage. Since when is friendship so devalued that the minute we find sexual chemistry with someone we remove all ability to accept friendship? In removing the expectation we leave ourselves much more open to alternative and often enriching experiences.

Expectation Limits Discovery

No matter what you're doing, you should go into it with an open mind, and open heart, and zero expectations. Until expectations are formally introduced and understood, doing so based on assumption seems limiting. If you can just accept that what happens, is going to happen, you will find that your ability to roll with the punches has diversified in ways that makes you much more adaptable.

So don't go the way of the pessimist and expect failure, that's too far. Similarly don't go the way of the optimist, and expect success, that is too far in the other direction. Go the route of the realist. Accept that everything in the universe is random and amazing, and take the things as the appear. Deal with them as they happen, and you will find your path through life much less hindered by the way you thought things should be and much more open to the possibility that you are limiting your own discovery of new things.