Surviving: 10 years - MWHD Reflections

Greetings, Seekers and Stars,

Finding myself drawn once more to this place as a result of unemployment on the horizon, I logged back in only to witness an incredible disappointment, it appears like all projects I start, this one was left with little to nothing begun, and I believe it may have had something to do with the timing: I started Vocal stories for TEC in February 2022 during my last battle with unemployment, was employed in March by the restaurant that now removed me off the schedule this week and with nothing to support myself and rent unpaid (my roommate is currently holding the more significant part of the bill and I'm paying back the difference as I can...in demonations of tens.

Suffice it to say that things are not going well. But only in a present sense. It was only a moment before I started writing this that I saw a unique graphic to celebrate World Mental Health Day, and I was reminded despite the ever-driving immense stress and reminder of my lack of finances at the moment, I have been through so much before. I've managed up to this point so this current trial shouldn't be something new, however, the stress is so compounding at this point its affecting my rate of performance.

I'm fluctuating attempting to remind myself of all the good I have and can do, and fighting this stalling effect that keeps reminding me it's not enough. I can't afford to live.

But dare I throw it all away now, after all that has happened, after all I have seen and have done?

More importantly, the fact that I survived once before an attempt should be impulse enough to fight against the dark thoughts and just move forward, right? It's all a mess in my head, so it's hard to determine whether I'm right. So, how about I share?

10 Years Ago...

World Mental Health Day is important because it reminds me how in 2014 I didn't listen to my mind for what I needed. And I almost died as a result. Events all compounded into convincing me that silence of the grave was a better result than where I was at the moment, and even though it was so long ago, I still remember echoes of that point where I somehow managed to be convinced that no one cared about me at all. It is easy to fall into such a state due to ongoing problems and realize there are no good sources of support during said conflicts. Many of us take for granted how easy it is to despair and how simple it is to shrug at things that don't affect you personally, so it shouldn't matter.

But the shift was gradual. I know it wasn't all at once, and I didn't tell anyone until I tried to attempt. People didn't realize till it was about to happen, and if I hadn't been found in the office room unconscious? These words probably wouldn't even have existed. But I am here, and these words are here, and all of everything I've made and continue to make as a freelance creator is imitable proof I can survive and should.

Since I started TEC, in any capacity, I've had to spend everything I've made immediately on myself to cover bills, debt, and food. So when I ask for support for my work, I struggle with feeling codependent on donations from others and that it's not seen as actual work. If only I could document and get paid for the hours that go into the planning and development before anything!

The same forces me to stop working on the very thing I need to make the money I'm asking for, and before I know it, here I am digging up accounts from 3 years ago, trying to see if it will help. If anything helps. The process was strangely cathartic because while I was doing all of this in a panic to generate revenue to survive, I am reminded I have been doing that. From the suicide attempt in 2014 to now, I have stood the test and weathered through whatever I was forced to deal with. My kindness and love for others are constantly used against me, and it hollows me out, leaving me in this state of torpor, insulted that I was only a tool from day one.

So here's signing off a short reinitialization with a milestone victory over the horrors of depression and suicide, ten years of saying no to the self that wants to throw it all away. I will keep saying no. But it's never been easy. So I ask you, reader, today or whenever you read this, will you message someone who you are thinking about? Immediately after you read this, will you go right now and tell that person you love them? Do you know how important that might be for the person closest to you?

Let's Celebrate World Mental Health this year with a reminder.

Future-forward

~ The Chrestomath