Stop Judging Me for Being Creative

My entire life I have always known I was different from the rest of my family. I grew up in a household of 6 people: my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my younger cousin, and me. I can remember knowing I was different than the rest of the members of my household as early as 6 years old, which it became more and more apparent when I was in my pre-teen and young teen years. Especially when I started experimenting with makeup.

Artists have their pens, pencils, paints, and brushes. Singers have their vocal ability. Musicians have their instruments, they have their voices as well. Everyone has something that helps them escape their reality and get away from the stresses of life. Mine was using my own body as a canvas and experimenting with brightly colored eye shadows as well as dark colored eye shadows (gothic). I have always believed my body is a blank canvas that can be turned into a live, walking work of art. And that was for me, my way to escape reality, while at the same time become more skilled creatively.

I am currently 26 years old, I have 8 tattoos, which I started getting when I was 18, only for my family to judge me for them. Only to have them belittle me for putting permanent ink in my skin. Only because having tattoos is against my family's religious beliefs. Back when I started experimenting with makeup I didn't know what blending was, what colors went together, the different styles, nothing; so when I would try a different eye shadow color combo or anything of that nature I would get made fun of, and talked to in a tone that made me feel like a little kid being told that I was wrong for doing it. Which it honestly turned me off to wearing makeup for nearly 5 years.

I'm going to go back a little bit in time, since I hit puberty, around 11 years old, I started developing an admiration, appreciation, attraction for, and extremely high interest in the Goth aesthetic: because my favorite color is black. To which I realized that it was also the specific style that felt like "me" to myself. I began realizing I had an interest and admiration for dark makeup, for brightly colored makeup, for mixtures of the two, for different styles. I also began developing an interest in playing video games, reading books, the fantasy genre, fantasy worlds, but most of all, I developed an almost obsessive love for the 31st of October, otherwise known as Halloween. It was, in my eyes, the only day of the entire year that I felt like I could be myself, and not get funny looks or judgmental comments, because I could do crazy eye colors and dress however I wanted to, or I could paint my face however I wanted to and it was accepted because anybody that looked at me just thought I looked that way for Halloween.

Growing up I was always bullied very badly, everyday of my life in school. If it wasn't at school it was at home, by my aunts husband, and my cousin. Which, I didn't discover until I was 25 turning 26 the reason behind why they both acted like I was the black sheep, and made me feel so miserable in my own skin that I would never leave my bedroom, unless I absolutely had to. Because of that I have always had a lack of self-confidence, and a self-esteem so low that even rock bottom was higher than it was. All because of how I dressed, how I acted (which stems from having Asperger's Syndrome, a form of Autism that affects people on the Emotional Intelligence Quotient level, not the Intelligence Quotient), how I looked even in something that was forced on me by my clothing being picked out for me daily until I finally rebelled, but mostly; for how I chose to wear my makeup.

In 2019 I discovered a mobile app called "Tik Tok". At first I only watched videos made by other people; but over time it began to peak my interest and I eventually built up enough courage to create an account for myself and make videos of my own, for others to watch. There were never any hateful or shaming comments or reactions from anyone that interacted with those. I was greeted with acceptance, encouragement, comfort. It wasn't long after my first video I felt more confident with myself, the more confident I felt, the more creative I became with myself - sticking to my belief that my body could be used to be creative, artistic, and original walking works of art.

I created my own vampire fangs, because it also meant creating make-shift dentures because I lost most of my teeth, not due to drugs, but due to extremely aggressive treatments for brain cancer, slowly as the months went on after I finished my first round of the treatments my teeth started to break left and right, in my sleep because I grind my teeth, eating - sadly it could be by eating something as soft as a sandwich; I wanted a way to cover that up, or get them all pulled and just get dentures. With a little bit of intuitiveness, creativeness, acrylic nails, and thermal plastic I was able to conquer two demons at once, something to cover my missing smile and give me the illusion of having teeth, while also making fangs that were originally meant to be just for the app and my videos, but became a daily thing.

Once I created the fangs and my first profile picture while I was wearing them, and they were showing clear as day, my family was quick to begin assuming that I was doing drugs; because to them that was the only logical explanation as to why I not only made, but chose to wear my homemade dentures that had vampire fangs attached with them. They, sadly however, didn't realize being able to smile again and not have to hide behind my hand or make sure when I was talking my lip covered that so no one could see that I was missing them, that I was happier, and I was more confident in myself, whether they had fangs attached to them or not. All they did was judge and berate me instead of looking past what they made it a personal goal to judge me for and bully me about, that they actually led me to believe that the way they made me feel for it was invalid.

In 2020 I decided I wanted to give my hand a try with face paint, as I had noticed a lot of the people that I follow on Tik Tok do cosplay (costume play) a good portion of which involved very intricate face paints, and seeing the endless possibilities and how detailed some of them were, and it sparked my interest. The very first one I did, when seen by other members of my family, got asked, "What the hell is on your face? Why do you do shit like that?". Instantly I would feel lower than rock bottom again, discouraged from expressing myself, discouraged from being creative, in turn discouraging me from doing the one thing that truly helped me escape reality fully. They didn't see how proud I was of myself to be able to pull off the look I did, that I was able to show advanced skill in creating artwork freehand in a way, when in actual reality I can't really draw that well I just manage. All they could see was that I was fitting into the label of "Freak" that everyone they knew and were friends with said that I was - they didn't see it made me more confident in my own skin.

As I am writing this now, it is Halloween. I painted my face in hopes I could accomplish the look of more realistic detail, and because I can't afford costumes (yet). When seen by my family the only reaction, and only response I heard were three simple words. Three simple words that almost put me in tears - which would have ruined the 2.5 hours worth of work I did, was "Oh...My...God", and instantly belitting me.

But this time I said something back, I had had enough, I was tired of the judging, the bullying, always standing in my cousins shadow because they always acted like she could do no wrong and always supported her and I was just not good enough to even so much as be treated like a decent human being. I finally stood up for myself and said, "When I hear things like that being your automatic and very first response, it makes me feel discouraged to be creative. Just think; my hobbies could be a lot worse (I was blatantly hinting and implying that I could be back on heroin or crystal meth, but instead chose to just use my body as a reusable canvas to show off my artwork to the world) trust me, they could be a lot worse than this. Stop judging me for my hobbies, the things that help me with my depression, that make me happy. Stop belittling me for how I choose to temporarily escape."

After that, the response that followed my defense, was total silence, and clear disappointment in themselves. What followed that after five minutes of total silence was my uncle saying..."You're right. It does look cool. It's very detailed. You're more talented than we all thought."

With that. I end this with a message to others that do the same thing to people they claim they love and care about.

Stop Judging Others For How They Choose To Be Creative. Stop Making Them Feel Like Giving Up Their Biggest Escape and Possibly Their Only Source of Helping Themselves.

For those that have an account on Tik Tok and are interested in seeing my account you are more than welcome to visit my profile, my username is DarkVampira21