Signs you may be a doormat

Now, not to be a 'Negative Nancy' or anything, but I am a doormat - well, I used to be! You may even be one too. Chances are you probably already know this, or feel that you are in some way but have come to this article for some confirmation. Realistically, if you clicked on this post, chances are you are attuned to your emotions and know that something is not right in the way that you are left feeling once having an interaction with another person.

Now I am no psychologist, but I do work in HR and from my experience - most who are doormats, are also people pleasers.

So how do you know if you are or are not a doormat to others? Here are some examples/advice from my experience as a seasoned doormat;

You wonder why everyone comes to you for help/favours - but they are not necessarily your friends:

Have you ever walked into a supermarket, or a shop thinking you only had to grab a couple of things - so you don't worry about a trolley or a basket -only to realise that you needed more things than you originally thought? Well, What do you do? Normally, you would find the closest flat surface, basket or trolley to let go of all of the annoying products in your arms. What a relief! your arms were beginning to get tired.

The people in your life that constantly come to you for everything, need to offload. Whether they genuinely need some guidance or advice, or they just see you as convenient - you are there to help and you make their life easier. But the difficult part is distinguishing who appreciates the help from the blood sucking leeches. From my experience as being a doormat, if you are left feeling irritated or uncomfortable after saying 'yes' to a request or a 'favour' - chances are the person is only using you because you are convenient at the time.

If a flat surface, basket or trolley is always right there, you would never need to carry anything or do any heavy lifting!

Saying 'no' makes you really anxious:

1) Now this one can be ambiguous because we all get a little anxious at times when asked different things. What sets you apart from the rest is your inability to compose yourself at the idea of saying 'no' to someone. Why? There may be many reasons but at least in my case, I was bullied relentlessly in school. (We are about to get a bit deep here) I was constantly worried about anyone having a conversation and giggling as I walked past - always thinking that everyone's hushed conversations were about me. I cared too much about what others thought of me - and so I did what I thought could help the situation; I said yes to favours and used all of my energy in making others feel better because then maybe, people might think I was a good person. The idea of saying no and having people talk about me more and more weighed so heavily on me that I just wanted to be be liked by everyone.

2) Another factor could be that your parents put too much pressure on you as a child to succeed in school and in your personal life. I felt this to a degree - my mother only wanted what was best for me - however, I felt like I was falling short almost any time I attempted anything, which fed into my need to be liked by everyone.

3) Maybe, you had a falling out with your friend or your trio turned into a duo - you know what I mean - you were the one left walking behind on the footpath only wide enough for two people. So what do you do? You overenthusiastically offer your services, kindness or listening ear anytime anyone of your friends has even the smallest of problems going on in their lives. "Oh, don't worry! I will drive you there", "If you need a place to crash, I am always here", "I don't think you did anything wrong, none of this was your fault" (Even though we both know it definitely was).

Or maybe, you are just an empath and feel too much for another person's circumstances (personal attack on me - ouch):

Being an empath is such a great thing and I would prefer to be one than not, however, being too empathetic will only hurt you in the long run. I always wanted to be the kindest person in the room and I still very much do - but I had to shift my mindset around what the 'kindest person' actually means. The kindest person is not just the person that lets you copy off their homework because you were too lazy to do it yourself, the kindest person is not just the person who offers to drive their friend without a drivers license anywhere they need to go and the kindest person is not just the person who will drop whatever they are doing, whenever they are doing it just to help other people (although extremely admirable). The kindest people, are those who can distinguish boundaries and say no when necessary. How does that work? Setting boundaries is fundamental in being kind to yourself and you cannot forget that you are also a person who needs a break from time to time. If you lend a helping hand to those in need but strongly say no when you are reaching your limit, or because the person asking the favour is disingenuous, you have done the kindest thing of all - and that is take into account your feelings and your limits.

Side note: If you are a woman and you feel as though it is your responsibility to be happy and accommodating all the time as to make sure everyone else is comfy - stop that right now! Be happy when you are happy, be grumpy when you have had enough, you are entitled to your own feelings and emotions - don't let others control how you feel!

So how can I stop being a doormat?

It is definitely not a quick fix by any means and as much as I have strong boundaries, I still struggle. My first piece of advice is to find the strong person in your life (not a bully), and ask them for advice. Hear their responses and the way they see the world. My mum has been through it all and when she feels that I am being too nice or too accommodating, she lets me know and now I think of her whenever I might be feeling as though I am being taken advantage of. Secondly, shift your mindset. Think, I mean really think about all the people you have helped and ask yourself how many of those people have helped you. Life is too short to be doing things for others that do not appreciate your time!