Shadow Work

How simple it must be to be a bird. To take off in whichever direction life takes you, soaring through the skyline. Free. It seems I have yearned for that same freedom my whole life. Constantly looking for a source of flight to lift me up and take me away. Take me where exactly? I’m not sure. Just anywhere. I envy their lightness, how they seem to carry no weight. I wished that same lightness for myself for the longest time. I have been sore from the heaviness for as long as I can remember, living life with a concrete tether attached to me. For a great while I could not reduce its weight, I could not relieve the aches. I searched and searched for a resolution to my pain. Digging through all corners of the earth to rectify my feelings, to soothe my soul but all I was met with was continued torment. The same cycles and karmic lessons learned over and over again until one day, I asked myself “Why?” and that turned out to be the most important question I have ever asked in this life. Why did I feel this way, why did I choose to bear this weight, why did I do this or that, why, why, why? It forces one to look within, to dissect the inner workings of the soul. It shines a mirror unto one and illuminates the parts of the self that need attention, nurturing and work – the question of “why” brings forth one’s shadow-self, the parts of ourselves we keep hidden, under wraps, manipulated from others. It sets one on a journey to find themselves and once that journey is started, it is often very difficult to continue on, many people don’t.

On my quest to fully understand myself, how I worked and what my triggers were, I underwent an intense rollercoaster of lessons and hard truths that forced my awakening at such a rapid speed, it’s surprising I made it through with most of my sanity. I think we all approach an awakening within our lifetime, albeit at different levels and speeds, often matching the levels and speeds of our commitment and receptiveness to such change. I have come to understand that most people, including myself, fight an inner war within themselves every day and the casualties of that war shape the warrior fighting them. Some warriors can rise time after time and defeat their demons, accelerating onto the next level of awareness. Other warriors only scratch the surface, engaging with their demons in a cold war. Too afraid to face them, afraid to admit truth and vulnerability, such warriors often die long before their life ends.

I pitied myself for a great while, dragged on within a victim mindset and always thought the world was out to get me – when the one doing the most harm to me, was in fact, myself. It was a hard truth to accept, a most precious type of truth to grasp onto. Understanding that I was my own worst enemy, that I could control this looming weight over me, liberated my soul in ways I never thought possible. It took the destruction of my entire being to bring this realization to fruition. It was like walking through a dark tunnel, not knowing where the walls stood, how far I had until I saw light again or if I would ever see light again. I was forced to turn to myself for guidance, to learn the workings of my body, mind and spirit so that I may align them into harmony. I slowly realized that these three entities would be the very weapons that would eventually relinquish my demons – so I learned to yield them well over time.

Along the path to finding myself, I met an array of curious characters doing just the same as I was. Each person inflicting deeper meaning on my personal journey, sent to me for reasons that I am still figuring out. From relationships, to friendships, workspaces, and so on – I have cultivated my own unique perspective of life’s meaning, or at the very least, a method towards figuring out life’s meaning.