Setting Emotional Boundaries: Stop Taking on Other People’s Feelings

The longer I sat on the phone, the more I got. My mother was on the other side, as usual, throwing her feelings at me. I had moved to Los Angeles to graduate from school to escape all of this - my mother's unhappiness, my sense of responsibility, the pressure to be perfect.

When I hung up the phone, I felt very angry. At the time, I could not (correct: I would not) admit to being angry with my mother. I could not reconcile myself with such negative feelings and love my mother at the same time.

After all, had he not sacrificed so much for me? Was it not because I always viewed him as the closest person to me? Did I not proudly proclaim that I was my best friend when I was younger?

Even the finest memories of my mom and me have been erased by the shadow of her depression.

As a child, I could not understand why my mother was always so sad. I loved the rare and carefree days and held these moments close to my heart. When he came in, he lay down in his dark room for days, and I wanted him out.

In the beginning, I learned to control my temper and my emotions so that I would not comfort her or give her time to grieve. In my young mind, I made myself responsible for him and I could not separate his feelings from mine.

I wanted her to be happy and to think that if I just kept 'looking good,' she would be so. When he was not happy, I blamed myself.

Unbeknownst to me, my mother had nurtured this belief by boasting that I was a “perfect daughter.” The pressure to conform to my mother's expectations overwhelmed me. I have suppressed a lot of negative emotions and experiences agreeing with the adherence to the good we have done with myself.

That day, I turned this anger over to a safe target, my coworker. That day at work, I exploded. I don’t remember what I said, but I clearly remember the confused look on his face. My frustration at my inability to express my feelings made me even angrier. I excused myself, ran to the bathroom, locked myself in the last stop, and rolled my eyes.

Shortly afterwards, I used the free counseling services on campus. Over the next few weeks, my counselor helped me to see that it was all right to feel the way I did. This was a good idea for me, and I struggled with it at first.

Because I had suppressed my feelings for so long, when I finally let them express themselves, they exploded.

Anger, rage, and disgust were alive and well in my body whenever I spoke to my mother at this time. While he seemed receptive to the truth and honesty of others, I wandered around on some topics for fear of offending him.

I never felt like I could share the difficulties and challenges I faced in my life because this contradicts who I am to Him. I felt I had no right to be unhappy. When I tried to talk about these things, she often interrupted me with her story, causing me to lose my temper.

He seemed committed to being the last victim and I hated him for what I saw as a weakness.

I realized that in order to succeed in my graduation program, I needed to reduce the amount of time and energy I was giving her. Instead, I found ways to protect and regain my strength. Writing became a cure for me. I found that I could say things in writing I couldn’t talk about my mother.

This will not be an easy book to read and I apologize if it hurts, but I feel like our relationship is falling apart, and one of the reasons is that I have kept so much of this in the bottle for so long. I never thought you could handle the honesty from me, so I lied and pretended everything was fine because I was always afraid that I would “put you aside” or that you would be in a state of depression.

Unknowingly you put so much pressure on other people (especially me) to fill your emptiness, but that’s a dangerous and irrational expectation and people can’t and won’t live with it. And they started to resent you for it. I want you to be happy, but I am beginning to see that I am not responsible for your happiness and healing; only you can.

Seeing my truth on paper was the last resort for me. I no longer needed to be “perfect.” I have given myself permission to be honest and respect every emotion that arises.

When I was ready, I prepared to set boundaries with my mom. I let her know that I loved her and supported her, but she was deeply moved when she used our conversations as part of her treatment. I let go of the need to try to “fix” things for him.

I was caring.

Having trouble setting healthy emotional boundaries?

Take a moment to answer the following questions from Charles Whitfield's Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self.

Answer “never,” “rarely,” “occasionally,” “often,” or “often.”

I feel like my happiness depends on other people.

I prefer to care for others rather than for myself.

I use my time and energy to help others so that I do not have to worry about my own needs and wants.

I tend to take in the feelings of people close to me.

I am extremely sensitive to criticism.

I tend to be “caught up” in other people’s problems.

I feel responsible for the feelings of other people.

If you answered “too often” or “normally” in the above statements, this could be a sign that you are having trouble setting healthy emotional boundaries.

Like me, you are probably deeply affected by the feelings and strengths of the people and the spaces around you. Sometimes, it can be incredibly difficult to distinguish between your “things” and “other people’s” things.