Redefining Success

Redefining success and happiness is one of the many results of the revolutions during the 1960's. This was a time in which social norms were challenged and many destroyed. To this day, more and more people are realizing success and happiness as the sum of our internal well-being. Whether our goal is abundant wealth, a bright career, or a healthy family, we have entered an era in which being somewhat selfish is actually necessary.

You’ve probably heard this advice given to single moms in dirty sweats, with one kid at each hip, sixth cup of coffee in one hand, and a third kid in the other:

“You have to take care of yourself FIRST, before you can take care of your kids.”

This advice should really be followed by every single one of us.

Too many of us have fallen into a pattern of giving our energy away, without making sure we have enough to give. We do this with good intentions, in attempts to help our loved ones, yet are unaware of the damage this does to our own soul. After giving away our precious energy, we often fail to replenish what little we had, and subconsciously, begin to hunt for more; this state of survival renders us oblivious to any conflict or drama we may cause. Our souls are literal energy machines that require a sufficient supply to function properly. When we cannot maintain enough energy, we may develop mental illnesses, most commonly depression and anxiety.

Unfortunately, some of us fall into this vicious pattern too soon or intensely during our childhoods. The less energy we are able to maintain, chances will dramatically increase in developing severe mental illnesses, in which our soul is in a constant state of extreme deficiency.

There is a novel, The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, in which human psychology is explained in a way that relates to the scientific nature of human energy. The same information is given in parenting classes and anger management: every human has an innate urge to take the energy of others by means of survival. Of course, this is subconscious, and although we mean well, this fight for energy is the underlying cause of all human conflict. How do we do this? Four basic methods are used (called "control dramas" in the novel) and every individual has a main default method, one they learned to use during childhood.

#1) Poor Me: this method gains energy by making others feel bad for us and instills feelings of intense guilt. This develops from intimidation during our childhood, in which we make the bully develop empathy for us, in order to avoid further abuse. If “poor me” is developed, we tend to face struggles with our head down, playing the victim card, and calling to others for help. We make our problems theirs and expect them to help us fix everything. Whoever falls into the trap begins to feel responsible for our issues and believes that we need them. Yet, once we receive any help, because we have not learned another method, we continue to manipulate others into guilt.

#2) Intimidation: this method gains energy by force, instilling fear in others. This is the typical bully who scares all of his classmates, but no one sees his mean, grumpy dad at home. If intimidation fail to create “poor me”, they make another bully. During childhood we use "poor me" until we are old enough to fight back, and we then graduate to intimidation. Once this happens, it tends to unleash a lot of angst, like bulls out of a cage. This becomes our new method of control and we go into the adult world with anger and frustration. When we begin to feel drained, our default behavior is aggressive and sometimes hostile. Always ready to fight for what we want, we don’t see that there is another way.

#3) Interrogation: this method gains energy from others by asking intrusive questions or crossing boundaries within conversation to gain leverage. Often busy or uninvolved, our parents are aloof: cold, distant, and uninterested in us children. Our only way of gaining attention is to somehow start a debate. If we just say hi, the conversation ends there. No, the only way to keep the attention and energy flowing is to get under their skin and inside their heads. We pick at our parents’ insecurities, involve ourselves in their personal problems, and monitor their behaviors. Eventually we grow up, becoming overbearing to our friends, spouses, and coworkers, subconsciously afraid that if we stop asking questions, they will forget about us like our parent's did. We ask personal questions, pick peoples brains, involve ourselves in others’ problems, and unknowingly we cause people to feel insecure and invaded.

#4) Aloof: this method gains energy from others by being distant and cold. We develop this during our childhood when faced with overbearing, controlling parents (interrogators). The only way to protect our energy is to withdraw completely and shut down. It is sort of like when a possum is being chased by a predator and plays dead until the predator leaves. Any action will be criticized in some way, so our only option is inaction. In other cases, parents with "poor me" create the same aloofness within us. Their problems overpower ours and as they lean on us for support, we learn to ignore our own emotions and shut down. As we grow up, we expect others to volunteer to fix our problems, in the same way we felt inclined with our parents. Yet, this habit of ignoring our own emotions causes us to unintentionally run, and we shut down at any attempts by others to connect with us. We have become alien to our own emotions because we are so used to fixing others. In adulthood, we will build a wall and our presence alone evokes mystery and curiosity. In either fear or anticipation, we wait for someone to chase us down.

The only way to resolve our urge to take energy from others, is to connect to an infinite source. Some people find this in what they call God or the Universe. Raw creativity of any sort also allows us to tap into this infinite source of energy, like a plug into a socket. Some people have felt this energy under the influence of hallucinogens or marijuana. Despite various terms, we all speak of the same infinite energy and we all struggle to stay connected to it. This challenge of maintaining adequate energy has left us in a state of survival, battling with our families, friends, and coworkers.

It is up to us to realize a new way of living.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

How does this help us on our journey to happiness and success? Before the 60's, self-sacrifice and martyrdom were revered. To this day, those things are still practiced and respected. Yet, this feeling of duty towards others to the point of internal stress, is diminishing more and more each decade. Slowly but surely, we are realizing that, while we cannot save others, we can at least inspire them to follow our lead and save themselves.

Is love the answer?

The energy of love is pure and true. The very act of love creates the miracle of life. Every religion speaks of it, how God loves his children and followers. Everyone seeks it in their families and partners. We feel good when others love us, and when we give love to others. Yet, over half of the population struggles to love themselves. When we struggle to love ourselves, we detach from the truest and purest energy that is within every one of us. Is this our “inner God/Goddess”? Is this God himself? This is debatable, but the facts remain true about its essence. A raw, creative potential that is not mystical, or supernatural at all, but a part of our everyday reality. Rather than take energy from others, we can take it from within ourselves, through the brilliant power of self-love.

Meditation is a very effective and empowering tool in developing self-love and connecting to the infinite source of energy. Many of the world’s most successful millionaires and billionaires practice meditation and constantly recommend it as a tool for success. A fascinating series of scientific studies done by Andrew Newberg, a nueroscientist, show that prayer and meditation have intense, physical effects on the brain and prove effective in developing a sense of oneness with God or the Universe.

We must remain mindful on our journey to success and protect our own well-being before it is too late. Once our energy has been depleted, replenishing it proves long and tedious. Depression and anxiety may arise from energetic deficiencies, making it much more difficult to reestablish connection to our inner source of infinite energy. Accounts from victims of these mental illnesses attest to the challenge of loving oneself at rock bottom. We must take care to give only what we can. Meditation is a practice that connects us to the infinite source of energy within and therefore, raises the physical vibrations of our energy. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to maintain this higher vibration around others who are functioning at a slightly lower vibration and battling others for energy. We tend to fall back very quickly in the beginning and must have patience for our growth. With time, it is possible for us to stay connected to what some call God and others call, the Universe; this infinite source of self-love and energy within; and to redefine what success and happiness looks like: it starts within you.