Reclaiming Your Power Through Compassion

Alain De Botton writes, "The explanation of the origins of nastiness changes how we assess our opponent. No longer are they necessarily strong or impervious. We have not been able to punish them, but the universe has in a sense, and the clearest evidence for the sentence lies in the unhappiness that is powering their attacks. They have not gotten away with injuring us; their punishment lies in the pain they must be enduring in order to have such an urgent need to lash out. We, who have no wish to hurt, are in fact the stronger party; we, who have no wish to diminish others, are truly powerful. We can move from helpless victims to imaginative witnesses of justice."

I was in the middle of reading this quote around election season when we weren’t sure what was going to happen to our futures. Were the unemployed going to continue to receive support? Am I going to be able to pay my bills? Are we going to be safe in this country? Will we human beings finally come together and make positive change? And the reality is that we live in a polarized society, a complex world with international relations that need mending, a mental health crisis across the board, and technology that is changing the way we live and connect. Not one person or administration is going to make everyone happy. One piece of legislation may be beneficial for one entity, but may be dire for the marginalized worker, family, community, and the natural world that is suffering from ill regulated industrial practices. It’s infuriating to witness how some people who hold power wield it carelessly and seem to lack the foresight to how their actions today will impact the next generation and the planet. I’m sure some people reading this may think that this is boring or that I am preaching to the choir, but what I believe is important to understand is that with all of the pressures, chaos, and confusion that exists in this world today, we have to remind ourselves that we do not know what is happening within another person’s internal world and what we have going on is not another person’s responsibility to fix or alleviate for us, and this is why I believe that cultivating compassion for ourselves and for others, even through the hardest days, can help us take our power back.

Everyday we wake up and we go about our routines as creatures of habit and maybe we realize that we are meant for more than what our parents and institutions have taught us to be. What does it feel like when you look in the mirror and see yourself where you are at with what you have? Forget the filter. What internal lens have you been working with and is it helpful? Are you happy with it? What needs changing? Have you tuned into your body? What is it telling you? These are just some personal inventory questions that can bring us a little closer to understanding where our heart and mind are at on that day. Because we are not static creatures we have to constantly check in with our minds, hearts, and bodies so that we don’t carry residual stress and baggage from whatever happened the day before. This is a habit that can be nurtured over time. Don’t worry about starting immediately and becoming an expert, that doesn’t happen. Everything that we see on the screen is just a representation of an idea or a concept that exists within our world, it is not an instruction manual on what or who we are supposed to be. How to be is not a polished version of what you see; this is a way of seeking external validation for whatever ails us inside. How to be relies on us going within our minds and getting to know the nasty parts, disarming our ego, and wholeheartedly acknowledging the choices we’ve made and where we are at individually. There is no need to shame ourselves or anyone else; everything that we see, hear and feel is just information, and what we do with that information can help us or hurt us.

According to Alain de Botton, there is an origin of nastiness that we must look into when we come face to face with some form of opposition and that it is not our duty to punish them for they are already being punished by themselves through their own unhappiness. That nastiness derives from the choice to be nasty, to respond with contempt, to look down on someone or harm them because they don’t believe that the other is deserving of compassion or care. How do you think that person feels about themselves if they think so little of others? Maybe they are miserable and want to drag us through the dirt so they don’t feel alone in their own contempt for themselves. Coldness, nastiness, and contempt does not breed discipline or positive results, it cultivates hostility and anger with whomever gives the power of their attention to it. A while back I was observing a discussion someone was having with a couple of friends and the person who started this conversation believed that some people were born good, but that others were just born BAD and there was no hope for them, they were just bad. I didn’t believe it for a second, but there was a truth coming to light about how this person felt about themselves and other people. Although it was very black and white, I could see that this person’s life experience showed them that they couldn’t trust many people and that inherent goodness did not exist unless the person was just good. They could not be swayed otherwise. Once again, I do not believe that this is true, but I can understand that when someone chooses to cause harm to others for their own self gain and interest, yes that person may as well just be bad because that is how they are choosing to show up in this world. But there is still a complex history that we may not understand about someone and why they make the choices that they do. It is best to not write things off as just good and evil or black and white for we live among a kaleidoscope of beings who have been impacted positively and negatively; those who have made the wrong choices, and have decided to do things differently or not do things differently all at different stages within our lives and theirs.

I think what can really get in the way of our happiness is not choosing to do what our heart yearns for, ignoring our bodies, and living in our heads just to get through the day. Day in and day out since we are children we have been schooled, programmed, taught to respond when called upon, trained to sit still, present, and excel. In other words spirit had been broken in to fit in. What happens now? What opportunities do we have? Are we in a position to follow our dreams or do we have to work a little harder to get there? I don’t know what kind of cards anyone has been dealt, but, all I know is that we were not born to live someone else’s dream or to do the same things for the rest of our lives. What we are told by this system is information that relies on our response, and we can choose that. We don’t have to relinquish our freedom to be a part of this beautiful world. Working within this system, playing their game and doing all of the “right” things will only get us as far as this year’s model of happiness that is trending. I say no to that because I was the girl in school who witnessed a lot of extremes growing up and realized that no one will end up happy and satisfied taking orders or being told how to live because the other person held the keys. That is a toxic power dynamic that our current system thrives upon, and we are no longer obligated to give our energy to that.

The next time you look in the mirror ground yourself in these truths before you engage with those around you and the rest of the world:

There is no quick fix to any of this and other people’s responses/reactions to you have more to do with how they feel about themselves and where they are at, don't take it personally.

We are all fighting some kind of battle some more covert than others; set time aside to feel what you are feeling, process it, and let go.

Social media is trying to sell you their content, they are not models for how you should live your life.

Emotional regulation is a practice that can lead to higher emotional intelligence and emotional maturity, if you are not there yet don’t fret, there are a lot of things that we are unlearning and are going to have to teach ourselves over and over again.

Don’t be afraid to fail, only you have the power to redeem yourself.

Listen to your truth, no one else can tell you what that is.

Don't take yourself so seriously ;)

With Love,

Jaz