Putting in the effort

This is how I started putting in the effort, to do something with my life.

I have always been pretty lazy, never really interested in much, would rather stay home, sit at my desk and watch random stuff on the internet. It didn't make me happy, in fact, I never really was that happy. I was depressed for years and spoke to hardly anyone. I spoke to family, but that wasn't the attention I needed, I needed to meet new people.

As the years went by I got worse and I started to really not look after myself, I made a few friends along the way, but they left. I never understood why, until today. I got to a point where I was really ready to give up, to end this existence and I nearly did, but I found something, something I to this very day am still so in love with, Hardstyle.

Now Hardstyle is a genre of music, Electronic dance, a mix of Techno and Hardcore. Now I have always loved music, but this genre spoke to me on a new level, maybe it's the fast bpm or the heavily distorted kicks. or maybe it's the energy within the music. Whatever it is it saved me and started pushing me forward, at least for a while.

I started making excuses for myself as to why I couldn't things. And this is something that has happened up until recently. I kept getting lost in my own excuses and I hated myself for it, I still do a little. But I'm trying to overcome that.

Now let's fast forward a few years. It's 2020, the world and my life are about to change forever. I'm still the lazy thing I was before, but I'm producing music now, I'm not a professional but I'm trying. It's February the 6th and I meet someone, the most beautiful most woman I will ever meet, I fell for her the moment I saw her. Now for privacy reasons we will call her evergreen, its cute if you knew why, but thats a different story.

We fell in love with each other and spent over a year together, I love her more than anything and always will. I love her more than Hardstyle, which is a lot. I got worse again though and it fair on her though, she kept giving me chances and as much as I wanted to get better, I kept making excuses. I got to a point where walking was hard and it really took it out of me, but I never realized how much it hurt her. I had one final chance to try to do something and I did start, but not enough. We broke up, the worst day of my life.

I lost her, maybe not forever, but she left and I don't blame her, I truly thought that my back pain was the end of me and what was the point of carrying on. But in this last week I have shown how much I can do, now she says, "Why couldn't you have done this before?" and to that my answer is I don't know, I gave up and I'm sorry, I never should have, I pushed her away. I never would let that happen again.

Losing the love of your life really gets you pushing the boundaries of your life, pushing every wall around you to try and break through. I'm not saying to do that to start getting moving, this was the worst option I could have chosen. I have walked so much this past week, done more exercise than I ever have. Have changed my diet completely, I'm eating salad and I like it? I drink oat milk now. only because people who have their lives together go to that aisle in the supermarket so thought I would try.. I love it.

I'm not gonna ever stop pushing myself, get myself to a point I am happy with, and make her proud. And hopefully, one day get another chance. For now, though, I don't know where my life is heading, all I know is I'm not gonna stop till I reach the top, and when I do.. I'm gonna learn to fly.

I don't super know as to why I wrote this, I guess it just felt right. I hope to any of you that are thinking of getting your life together, stop looking online at what the best plan is and stop looking at your phone, just get up and do it and don't stop, don't ever stop. Trust me it's worth it.