Pity Party

Birthdays were the worst days. Says me at age 22. During my childhood it sucked even more. Due to my living situation I was forced to celebrate my birthday months after my “special day” because that stupid day was 10 days after Christmas. No one ever made me feel special so it’s a massive pity party every single time. Tell me now; why’d I always have to be forgotten? Why’d I never have friends to even invite to my lame parties? They were lame because they were shared parties with my two older siblings and as much as I love them both I’ve never felt as though things were meant for me or that I deserved to be celebrated. Especially because they had their friends there for them and I did not have friends at all at the time to even invite.

It’s a mess and a massive gloomy way of feeling. To this day I’m still upset over not having my special day being special to me. Yet it doesn’t matter anymore because I’m still that same little girl who felt hurt, lost and alone all at the same time due to nobody ever treating me like as though I matter to them. So for the longest time during my life I felt invisible, uncared for, misunderstood and as though my presence did not matter. Those things haunt me to this day. It’s not really anybody’s fault but in my mind I blame myself for the overall situation which does suck but I’m getting used to it. Or at least I’m trying to process the pain in ways where I can eventually forget about it all and become the woman my insides urge me to truly be.

My insides are a mess. Whether it be my heart that’s on the run or my mind shutting down from sadness I can’t believe that this is my reality. I’m not usually one to complain, like about anything even, yet since my life is in an error I truly want to be exampled for and be brought out of this invisible chains kind of feeling and that the sorrows of the world won’t affect me. That’s all my life seems to be hurting for. Well maybe not all. When I talk about all I would be referring to global issues, society troubles, and for the most of it the trauma our fellow people have been caught up in and have been forced to just sit in instead of fixing and mending these perplex living situations that should not be as daring of a scary happening as they have been coming across as.

It’s truly the most complicated situation I’m facing in my personal life. I’m so over being sad, lost, confused, hurt, angered to some point, upset, and distraught towards everything. I blame myself for this though. I mean yeah my personal world may be lonely but I need that company I’m still ever in fear of. I said I need company but am facing the truths of my life that I am truly terrified of social gatherings, one on one with a stranger, or holding small talks. The thing about me is that I can hold a conversation only as long as that conversation contains talks about important things like improving society for instance. Or discussing social issues. Or even trying to reason with my mental health. Any of that I can be sure to find it easier to speak up. I find it still difficult though. Because I’m more of a listener rather than being a talker. So it scares me every time when I talk due the the accountability of what I’m saying and the process of someone taking in everything I had said. I shouldn’t allow my fears like this to rule me in that area but it’s too late. I’m an adult with issues I should have mended as a child. If I had just been supported as a child then that way I wouldn’t be here facing the things I’m facing today. But there is no one to necessarily blame for my troubles although I keep fighting it on the daily. I guess that’s just something I need to figure out on my own.